‘Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.’ Gloria Steinem
Content Warning: Fertility, Baby loss, Trying Conceive
This quote above feels like an appropriate one for me, when I look at my life right now, it feels like I daydreamed most of what I have into a reality. When I reached the turning point of wanting Mr. F in bigger ways than just as someone to flirt with to pass the time at work, his stance on what he wanted out of life didn’t match mine. He wasn’t looking for a girlfriend or to settle down, whereas I absolutely felt like I was ready to find someone who wanted to explore a more domestic kind of life with me.
I wasn’t disheartened though, instead I figured I’d just start with the fucking and see what happened. Even with that though, it was good timing and strategy on my part that got the ball rolling. Prior to that though I dreamed long and hard about being with him, about feeling his hands on my body and his lips on mine. I imagined what it would be like to fuck him over and over again, many, many times before we actually did it.
I have admitted all this to Mr F, I’ve also told him that on more than one occasion I knew what I wanted in my mind and just patiently waited for him to catch up and declare he too wanted the same thing. I know folks will say, ‘well why didn’t you speak up’, the reason was that on each occasion I knew I had reached a point before him. I never saw any need to push a conversation I knew he wasn’t ready for. As it turns out this has worked out pretty well for us and as you will know from previous posts we are doing fabulously.
I am extremely lucky that I have spent 2020 alongside the person that is included in my dreams for the future. While the havoc that 2020 has wreaked has prevented us from doing some things, overall it has given us an opportunity to spend more time together and further our plans for the future.
One of the future plans we discussed the day we made our relationship official was babies. I wrote in The Light of Love about how I had to do a lot of soul searching and feel a lot of sadness before I came to the realisation that I had the courage to try and have another baby. Simply deciding that you’re ready to try for a baby doesn’t necessarily mean you will have success though. I have written before about my previous fertility struggles and I was so scared that this particular dream wouldn’t come true for us.
I still had hope though and lots of it. I truly believe a positive mental attitude can work wonders, although my anxiety tells me this isn’t always as easy to achieve as it sounds. I worked hard at it though and I visualised positive pregnancy tests, Mr F holding our baby and a whole host of other moments that come from having a child together. I also did practical things like taking supplements and severely reducing my caffeine intake.
I have pondered long and hard whether to share with the blog how our journey is going, but have decided for a few reasons that I will. When I lost my second pregnancy I joined a support forum for women in the same position. While it was beneficial in many ways another side effect was that I learnt even more about what can go wrong in pregnancy. So for me getting pregnant is only a fraction of the battle, I know I will never relax until I have a baby in my arms crying to let me know they’re alive and well.
The truth is for many people pregnancy, birth and child rearing are things they dream of for the longest of time with many nightmares along the way. Many more people are blissfully unaware it can be so hard and as a result it’s not something we talk about in polite conversation. No one wants to hear about miscarriages, lost pregnancies, fertility struggles or anything that isn’t positive, easy, good news tales of bringing children into this world.
I personally don’t believe it should be that way. I think we should be talking about these things more because they affect more people than I imagine most people realise and it can be a very lonely journey even if you have a supportive partner. I am sure all this sounds like a prelude to bad news, it isn’t, it’s actually my very cautious way of sharing good news.
After three cycles of trying I got a positive pregnancy test. Which means I am now around 10 weeks pregnant. That’s right folks, all being well there will be another baby Floss in the world. We had an early scan last week which told us that the baby was as expected for the timeline of my pregnancy and we saw the strong and healthy heartbeat. This is all amazing news, as I have outlined though it is just one of many hurdles to cross though.
I am however feeling positive. I have also been feeling sick, tired, constipated, emotional and a whole host of other things that pregnancy can bring your way. Even now though I am imagining this baby growing well, bringing them home,introducing them to folks. I refuse to dwell on the negative possibilities even though my brain does remind me of them. Which is 100% natural I think, for anyone expecting, but perhaps more so when you’ve had a bad experience in the past.
As hippy-dippy as it sounds a lot of my positivity is based on the reality matching my daydreams, a sense that everything feels meant to be and has slotted together in just the right way and that gives me a big burst of ‘this will be okay’. There are all sorts of perfectly timed moments or happy coincidences that are giving my positive vibes and maybe that’s nonsense but the way I see it if daydreams and nonsense get us through tricky times then they’ve got some kind of positive influence that is worth embracing.