[Sex] Judgements, Shame & Being Respectable (All Suck)


#QuoteQuest, Sex / Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

‘A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes. She’s a tramp.’ – Joan Rivers

I both agree with and take issue with the above quote. The moment I read it when I checked in on this week’s Quote Quest prompt I felt my blood boil and I absolutely knew I had to share my thoughts on it. 

I don’t know how relevant it is, but I’m going to share a little bit about my sexual history and my ‘magic number’, despite what I know many people who have met me think, my number of sexual partners is pretty low. This surprises people given my interest in all things delicious and deviant. Interestingly Mr F has never asked for the number and I’ve never asked for his. I’m willing to bet though if we guessed, he would guess a lot higher for me than is true. I think it says a lot about him that he’s never asked though, never even hinted at wanting to know. 

He has never judged me on my kinks, sexuality or previous experiences, at least he’s never judged me negatively. That’s not to say he hasn’t made some incorrect assumptions before, he has, but even then he wasn’t damning me for what he thought had happened just merely stating he thought it had, or at least might have done. 

I am lucky to have a partner that doesn’t judge my sexual past, not everyone is quite so lucky. I have a friend who when newly single enjoyed sex with many people and honestly, I can’t blame her, at the time I wasn’t having the sex I wanted and I was honestly a little jealous of all the action she was getting. Not least of all because she fucked some damn fine looking people. Eventually, she started fcking the same guy regularly and eventually ‘caught feelings’ his response …? He wouldn’t date her because he knew what she was like. So she was good enough to fuck, but for a girlfriend, he wanted someone a bit more respectable. 

Honestly, the minute he voiced his thoughts on that matter I wish she’d told him where to go. He wasn’t exactly a blemish free guy from all accounts either, but he was, as many men are in this society held to different standards as women. 

Another example of this I encountered that truly made me rage was a younger colleague of mine who really did ‘get around’ as it was often put. In truth, her behaviour terrified me. Not the amount or type of sex she was having but the fact she genuinely seemed to be on self destruct. I didn’t know her well enough to offer her advice, but if I could have done, I would have tried to get her to consider her personal safety a little more. Her behaviour, especially with drinking, worried me far more than her sexual choices did, but it was her sexual conduct that got her talked about. 

Every time she fucked another guy, or gave another blowjob, we all heard about it. There was one encounter that repeatedly got discussed, where she was Queen Slag for not only doing what she did but doing it with someone who was in a relationship. On more than one occasion I questioned why no one ever mentioned who exactly she did said deed with. The identity of the man was well protected for a long time. A married man, at least 10 years older than her, who likely embraced the fact she was drunk and reckless was repeatedly protected and not judged for his actions. While she was vilified and laughed about constantly. 

The sad truth is that even in 2020 women are expected to have ‘some self-respect’, which apparently we can only have by limited our amount of sexual partners and not engaging in casual sex. Men, however, well, every holes a goal and all that. In a world where misogyny prevails all too often men are congratulated on their conquests, encouraged to sow their wild oats and often too insecure to be with a woman who’s ‘magic number’ his higher than his own. 

I know this is ‘not all men’, but it is still too many men and even worse too many women support this ideology. I didn’t particularly like the young lady I mentioned about, she had many alarming personality traits that I would deem to be red flags, but and it’s a massive but I despised the way people spoke about her and how freely she enjoyed casual sex, for no other reason it seemed than because she liked it. 

What pisses me off about the Joan Rivers quote is the implication that the multiple men women sleep with are mistakes. Now, the quote may be out of context, but I’m going to discuss it based on how it reads to me and how I know society works. 

Sadly I think that in too many cases a woman can ‘get away’ with a promiscuous past if she is apologetic about it and is showing signs of settling down, or changing her ways. Or perhaps she can blame it on alcohol or being a wild one in her youth. The fact of the matter is though some people fuck around because its fun, sex feels good, human contact feels good and I know plenty of people who have casual sex when sober and have zero desire to change their ways, ever. Which I thoroughly support, we should not be changing to appease the people trying to stifle us and set the world back a hundred years. 

Society uses sex to sell all sorts of things from perfume to cars. Companies are more than willing to use a woman’s sex appeal to make money. So long as we are virtuous and pure when it suits. God forbid we use our sex appeal to make our cunts wet and our bodies satisfied! Oh no, that wouldn’t do. Especially if we are open about our desires and shameless in our pursuit of them. 

Over the last 6 years, I have spent so much time in sex-positive circles that I truly thought the world views were shifting and they are, slowly, all too slowly and to see those changes reflected you really do have to surround yourself with the right people. 

This is a post that I approached with an unusually cis-gendered hetero-normative stance. Which isn’t usually my bag but out in the world where I see examples of this thought process displayed the assumption is that everyone is cis-gendered and everyone is straight and it’s through that prism of thinking that the rest of their thoughts are formulated. 

I also know that as a bisexual woman when someone asks me how many people I’ve slept with, they very rarely expect me to count women. If I said I’d slept with 10 people, then clarified that 9 were women and one was a man. I would be willing to be that many folks out in the world would reply with ‘so only one person really’. This isn’t okay on so many levels, the biphobia and homophobia are glaringly obvious to me but would take forever to explain to the person who holds that view why that is the case. 

Sex is an instinctive, natural human desire for many of us and it baffles and saddens me that we are still shaming people for wanting it and having it when their situation doesn’t match the world’s view of ‘appropriate’. I hope the tide begins to turn on this one sooner rather than later, especially as in the U.K it is unlikely that the majority of us would be harmed for our sexual behaviour but in the wider world, in cultures and countries different to my own a woman could at worst quite literally lose her life for her sexual conduct and at best be disowned by her family. Decisions that would likely be made by a man whose own conduct would I suspect be far worse than the woman he is judging. 

I know at the moment the world is on fire in so many ways and I suspect this battle isn’t a priority for many people at the minute, but I hope when we are back to some kind of normality we all support our friends who have been in a sexual drought all these months and cheer them on as they have lots of safe, healthy and consensual fuckery because let’s be honest that’s the kind of joy we need in the world right now. 

4 Replies to “[Sex] Judgements, Shame & Being Respectable (All Suck)”

  1. I really like your comment about the perception that female self respect is demonstrated by limiting our amount of sexual partners and not engaging in casual sex. I think when talking about self respect with my children we talk about it in a different way… about sexual health, avoiding unplanned pregnancy and avoiding that self destruction you talked about. Being aware that the next person you meet could turn into the relationship you want to keep…or just another fun night, but that self respect would also mean not putting up with their bull shit if they expected you to have been chaste to that point, or punishing yourself for behaviour that is healthy and normal. I wish sex positivity didn’t seem to still be such a marginal thing.

  2. “The sad truth is that even in 2020 women are expected to have ‘some self-respect’, which apparently we can only have by limited our amount of sexual partners and not engaging in casual sex.” – this is so true and honestly bar the people I chat to on here etc, most people I know still have this exact same attitude and it fucking stinks!!

    Men can bang whoever they want and nothing is said yet women are utterly tarred for it!

  3. I’ve spoken with my Queen about the sexual history of both of us. I don’t think we’ve ever asked numbers. Neither of us really cares. But it has taught each of us a little more about the other. And in a few cases, has brought forth some fantasies.
    I do agree that there is a double standard. But I also think it isn’t as prevalent now as it once was. And that’s a good thing!

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