‘Who are you?
Are you in touch with all your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.’ -Lana Del Ray
I’ve made no secret of the fact I enjoy indulging in the occasional dark topic on this blog. What is my dark though might be another person’s whimsy, but equally my dark could be many steps too far for another. I could be entirely wrong and it’s definitely just a personal musing but I think it’s important to allow our mind to cultivate dark fantasies for us and I equally think that it is okay if those fantasies arouse you.
To be clear I am talking about those of us who are law-abiding citizens using their imagination, or even their kink and sex lives to explore dark or taboo subjects with other consenting adults. At no point in this or any other post am I suggesting doing anything outside of legal or consensual parameters is okay.
Some of the kinks I have explored like blood play, needle play, breath play and humiliation are rooted in a lot of the dark fantasies I have. Blood especially gets me going, I think teenage exposure to vampire movies definitely has a lot to answer for on that score. My cunt twitches at the thought of teeth sinking into supple flesh, piercing the skin and letting blood flow freely. Drinking blood, bathing in blood, writing in blood are all things that my mind can see as erotic.
As I mentioned ina recent post Mr F and I watch a lot of horror movies together. There are countless scenes I’ve watched that have made go ‘unff’ even if I’m terrified by the general concept of the movie, often a scene can stand alone from that and get my sexy feels going. In one of the Insidious movies *potential spoiler ahead* there is a demon that has a key on the end of his finger, at one point he plunges his finger key into someone chest and turns it to silence their screams. Honestly, those movies are scary as fuck for me, but that concept of having a key on the end of your finger that can lock or unlock another person in any way you see fit, damn, that has got oodles of dark eroticism in it.
Speaking of demons I also find them simultaneously terrifying and also potentially arousing. As someone who has dream paralysis with a very ominous figure present during that, demon possession is probably the most illogical thing I’m scared of. At the same time though I have RT’d countless images over the years on Twitter of people being sexually involved with demonic-looking creatures.
One of the things that is important for me when it comes to these fantasies or moments of ‘fuck its wrong, but damn that’s hot’ is having a partner who doesn’t judge me when I open up about these things. They don’t have to agree or be willing to take part in any blood sacrifice rituals, but I don’t want to be made to feel weird or dodgy because of the things that something excites me.
I made massive waves in my life when I left my ex-husband because people just couldn’t see the reasoning for it. I understand their logic, as I’ve said before in many ways we were a good match, and I still have a lot off affection for him. I left though because I wanted to create a life in which I could experience the things I wanted.
For a long time, those things were kink related I spent 6 years exploring kink and non-monogamy and it was fun, interesting and it gave me a better understanding and acceptance of other people. In all that time though I was still missing something which I explored in A Fantasy Unfulfilled. In the entire time since I left my ex-husband that is what I was searching for and it is far from dark, but it very rarely saw the light of day, so it existed in darkness in a sense.
I experienced that fantasy occasionally over my years in kink, but it was either fleeting with a friend and hard to replicate often due to distance, or brief in my own dynamic before things became FemDom heavy. Always in the back of my mind though that desire to be taken, to be wanted by someone so intensely they just couldn’t wait that they would just sweep me up in a flurry of kisses and ass grabbing and fuck me right there where we stood.
I appreciate it sounds demanding, but I promise I am a very giving lover and I am happy to start the action too on occasion. So it isn’t as one-sided as it sounds. It also doesn’t have to end in penetrative sex. As I was writing this Mr F came out of the shower and I stood up to make coffee. Between getting up and getting to the kettle he had stopped me in my tracks, kissed me with feeling, grabbed my boobs, fondled my bum and sent me on my way. That is honestly all it takes to make me feel like he’s filled with passion for me and can’t wait for us to be fucking again.
I had to make space and changes in my life to find this though and I thought I was selfish for wanting it and more than one person made me feel like I was asking too much for wanting prolonged passion in a relationship. It’s still early days for Mr F and I, but 10 months in and this is the longest I’ve ever had that bubbling passion last in a relationship. It’s hard to explain why I think it will last for always, but I do. There’s just this feeling of having ‘found it’, I don’t want to say ‘the one’ because the other people I’ve been with were wonderful people and I don’t want to discredit the time I spent with them. Goddamn though Mr F is something special and I can’t deny that.
I see a lot of people discussing how they aren’t getting what they need from their relationships, or they maybe feel like they can’t discuss the things they find erotic with their partner and that it always makes my heart ache for them when I see how that makes them feel. I also know how hard it is to make the choice to create a life where you can have those things, for some folks it’s too hard or a decision they are not willing to make for various reasons. It can be done though. I did it even though I had a child, financially it was a nightmare and I had very little support in my decision. I did it though, I created a life that would allow me to experience the things I felt I needed to and I know I made the right call.
I almost completely missed the last line of this quote, but a desire to feel free was definitely a catalyst in the decisions I’ve made. For a long time, I thought freedom meant being single, independent and having no ties to anyone else. I’ve come to realise that it is less about that and more about feeling free to express myself and acknowledge all aspects of who I am. One of my all-time favourite quotes is one I’ve mentioned more than once on the blog … ‘You must love in such a way, that the person you love feels free’ – Thich Nhat Hanh. This is definitely easier said than done.
People can sometimes feel like they are loving you in that way and giving you many freedoms of self but in truth, even in those dynamics, you can still feel like there are trappings you can’t escape from. Rightly or wrongly I can’t sustain that kind of relationship. Techinically I suppose I have less freedom of choice with Mr F than I did previously, but somehow it doesn’t feel that way. We both wanted monogamy, for Mr F because that’s what he’s always known and despite his curiosity of on-mongamy it isn’t something he is interested in trying. For me, I’m glad I tried non-monogamy but I was ready to be monogamous again. I love so much that romantically and sexually it is just the two of us.
In terms of who I am as person though and being open about my past and my kinky interests there is a lot of freedom. I feel like regardless of what we choose to have together there is no need to pretend that there wasn’t a past for me that was very varied. I also don’t have to hold back when dark things make my erotic senses tingle and I love him so much for that. I created this world for myself but sharing it with Mr F is a beautiful bonus.