When I first decided to explore BDSM and as a result found myself as part of the kink community there was a heavy emphasis on D/s dynamics, especially ones where the sub was collared and the conversation around ownership was frequent. I’ve discussed before how my desire to be sexually submissive led me to incorrectly assume I was also submissive within a kink context, I was wrong and I realised that very quickly.
Early on in my kink journey, I met a couple who identified as having a Master/slave dynamic, they were looking for a new sub to somewhat be a part of their dynamic and I was of interest to them. I soon realised that being his submissive would mean relinquishing control over things I was very uncomfortable letting go of. Hair colour, new tattoos and what I wore to name but a few. These were things that I felt I had only just regained complete control over since leaving my marriage, giving any say over them to another person was the last thing I wanted.
It was then that I started to understand the I didn’t want to belong to someone in the same way that a lot of folks did. Eventually, when I started exploring FemDom with Bakji, I started to question whether or not I wanted that kind of dynamic as a Domme. As it turned out it was never something we explored. I think it’s something I would have been willing to enter into, there were many aspects of taking that next step that I would have enjoyed and that would have meant a lot to me. But it wouldn’t have worked in our particular dynamic due to differing outlooks.
As you all know I didn’t venture into a new kink dynamic once Bakji and I parted ways. I found Mr F and our relationship follows a lot more of the societal norms than what I was engaged in previously. Our sex life is probably quite vanilla compared to some of what I’ve done, but we indulge in a few kinks along the way, there’s definitely no D/s dynamic though and I don’t see that there ever will be (though as I always say, never say never). As I discussed in my last post Indulging the Darkness, I think folks might assume that being monogamous now and having a more typical relationship setup I might have fewer freedoms than in my previous non-monogamous alternative relationship setup. For me, though it feels like the opposite, in many ways I feel less restricted now than I did before.
What does this all have to do with the question for this week’s No True Way though? The question being … ‘Who do you belong to?’ I don’t think Mr F would for one minute say I belong to him, but I have a sense of being ‘his’ that I have never really felt before. Not even with my ex-husband, I think because there were so many areas in which I couldn’t just ‘be me’ for example, hair, tattoos and clothes. I definitely never had it with Bakji because even terms like girlfriend and relationship were either out of bounds or followed by the caveat ‘for want of a better word’.
The difference now is that Mr F accepts me as I am, not just who I am right now, but he also accepts that there may be changes ahead. Hair, tattoos, clothes are all things that are important to me in terms of how I express myself and he has zero issues knowing that I’m likely to keep mixing those things up. He also responds favourably whether I’m dressed in PJ’s or dolled up ready to go out. He gets just as hard, kisses me just as much and has said it’s how comfortable I feel that matters. These things really matter to me, that feeling of complete acceptance makes me feel like I’m exactly where I belong and an extention of that is seeing myself as his in many ways.
When we go out together we are one of those awful couples that will amke you sick with their public displays of affection. In the supermarket, on a walk, in the street, honestly anywhere we are together is fair game in terms of hugs and kisses. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all kid friendly PDA’s, no one will need to cover their babies eyes so they aren’t scarred for life, but I know for many people it is still probably too much. Tough shit though, because we are who we are.
One of the things Mr F once said to me about this is he behaves this way because he’s proud. He likes people knowing we are together. This is definitely not done in a ‘mine – back off’ kind of way, it feels less about territory and more about ‘fuck I’m lucky’. Which is exactly what goes through my head when I hold his hand or kiss him in public. I love that people know he’s my boyfriend, because he’s amazing and he chooses to be with me and that makes me feel awesome.
The monogamy that I have returned to with Mr F also gives me a clearer sense of he is mine and I am his, again not in a D/s way, but never the less it feels real and true in a way I have really missed. Yes, I want to be independent and free to make some decisions by myself, something I also offer in return to my partner. If I’m with you though I want to feel like we are a solid team. I don’t want to be second-guessing or question my role in your life. Even before Mr F and I were official he never left me any doubt as to how he felt.
Perhaps it is my knowledge of D/s dynamics that gives me the language I now have to express that feeling of being his. I can feel it in my belly, in my chest, it cascades through me when he touches me, it fills my mind when we kiss. It is a very tangible feeling that tells me I absolutely belong with him and to him in a way I have not felt with anyone else before.
Maybe best of all though I feel like he is mine. In all those months I embraced FemDom I still never reached that point where the person I wanted and craved truly felt like they were mine. I wanted to have those moments where (prior consent given) I could just take what I wanted. Where my hand could reach into his pants because his body was mine, his pleasure was mine and his desire to give in to passion was as great as mine. It has taken being back in a vanilla relationship with minimal kink and no FemDom to feel like I have what I craved for all that time.
I can kiss him when I want, I feel no hesitation when I slide my hand into his pants, his body responds to mine with joy and passion as if it too has found where it belongs just as my body has. Whether it is that we belong to each other I do not know, but the more time passes the more convinced I am that we absolutely do belong together.