‘And by the way,
Everything in life is writable about
If you have the outgoing guts to do it,
And the imagination to improvise.
The worst enemy to creativity
Is self doubt’ – Sylvia Plath
There is not a single word of the Slvia Plath quote above that I don’t agree with. We may choose NOT to write about things. Or we may CHOOSE to self censor perhaps in case a partner reads out words, or maybe there’s a truth we aren’t ready to share yet. But those are our choices we make as creatives, the truth of the matter is that with a deep breath, and sometimes a fuck ton of courage, and maybe a thick skin you can in fact write about anything you want.
When I first started this blog I didn’t quite have a handle on that truth. I was already involved with Bakji when I started populating this blog with posts and I was very cautious about what I said here. In the early days I would let him read and post that mentioned him. Even though they were always positive. Had he for any reason said he wasn’t comfortable with one I wouldn’t have published it. Thankfully he never said that because I think it would have been the start of me further censoring myself.
The reason I was so cautious was that I knew I was sharing feelings on the blog we didn’t fully express in our conversations together. As time moved on I stopped getting him to screen posts because I realised he never read my blog anyway and actually why should I get permission to say nice things. I of course still asked for permission to use any photos of him, but I definitely stopped asking for permission to share my personal and generous thoughts about him.
When we self-censor for reasons that aren’t true to us, I think we lose a spark of our creativity. I watched someone I once knew start a blog, something they very clearly wanted to try and the posts published were lacking in any passion and eventually the blog stopped. The reason being that they were dictated to about what they could and couldn’t write. It stifled them in terms of writing what was in their heart and they were not allowed to speak their truths. If you cannot do those two things your creativity will die. Be aware of how much you are self-censoring and don’t be afraid to bare your soul, quite often the scariest post to press publish on are the ones people will love the most.
I think another part of what stifles our creativity is worrying about what others want from us and what they will accept from us. As sex bloggers it can be easy to fall into a trap of providing whatever it is that has become our trademark as it were and when things change in our lives or our thoughts deviate from their normal lines of creativity I think many of us hold back from sharing those new avenues.
Don’t do that! Don’t hold back. Share! Share! Share!
The posts I’ve worried most about hitting publish on are always, without fail the ones that resonate most with people. The reason being? We are all holding on to sadness. Darkness. Insecurities and all the other things we might not see as sexy. And when one person sets some of those thoughts free it gives power to everyone else to say ‘hey that’s me, I feel this’
I effectively spent 3 years building my blog based on the fact I was kinky and exploring non-mongamy, yes I wrote about other things but when I wrote my bio’s for things like Smt Marathon I usually said something involving the words ‘Queer, Kinky, FemDom Loving Non-monogamist’ and lots of you rocked up to FlossDoesLife week after week and read about those things. Those things in many ways became part of my brand and I recorded over 100 episodes of ProudToBeKinky Podcast where I discussed my ongoing journey with FemDom.
Then at the end of 2019 that all changed. Those things had stopped making me happy and the things I wanted from life were not those topics I had built my blog on. I won’t lie, it was scary for me to acknowledge I would be walking away from certain things, a relationship, the podcast, the ongoing content of my blog. What was never an option though was walking away from the blog.
Even though I haven’t created the same amount of content as last year, I can’t imagine not having this blog as an outlet for my thoughts. 2020 has definitely become the FlossDoes … MrF portion of the blog and while I have worried at times that me constantly banging on about how amazing he is might get dull for you folks, I’m not about to stop because I’m inspired by my own life and he is a huge part of that life now.
I’ve also written about more complex topics like baby loss, grief and infertility. They maybe don’t seem relevant for a ‘sex blog’ but the reason I called this site FlossDoesLife was so it could always be a place for any thoughts I had, regardless of the subject matter. As time moves on I will likely write more about issues surrounding fertility, it has played a huge role in my life and it seems that role may not be over yet.
It can be hard writing about things that so deeply affect me. I have written through tears, I have confronted hard truths and I have fought with myself over whether or not to hit publish. Even though blogging is a choice I make that doesn’t mean that every choice is in itself easy.
Self-doubt is a fucker. We question ourselves, we doubt our validity as writers, we compare ourselves to others and when all those things combine we get bogged down with imposter syndrome and wonder what the hell we are even doing with a blog. I have been there so many times but eventually, I realised I was holding myself to other people’s goals and that was never going to give me the positivity I needed to have confidence in my own creation.
I think having goals for your blog is amazing. I definitely did in 2019. I wanted to create a fuck ton of posts and I wanted to hit No.1 on Molly’s Top 100 list. I didn’t have any goals past that though and 2020 has very much been about stepping back from the blog and that’s okay. Just because someone else is creating more content, learning more about SEO and monetizing their blog doesn’t mean that I am somehow less of a blogger for not doing those things. I show up, I write and I publish. I’m here filling a blog with original content that expresses who I am, therefore I am a blogger, end of discussion. Fuck off imposter syndrome, piss off self-doubt, just leave me alone to write dirty words and waffle on about how lovely my boyfriend is.