I think the last time anyone else washed me was when I was a small child. When I was with my ex we often showered together but the element of sensually or even passionately washing each other was either overlooked or rushed through to get to the end goal of PiV sex. I have often considered how lovely it would be to have someone run me a bath though. For them to take the time to add bubbles and candles, creating that wonderfully luxurious bathtime experience before washing my hair and soaping my body.
The truth is even if I had found myself in a situation where I could have made this fantasy a reality I know I would have been disappointed with the outcome. It occurred to me to include it as part of a FemDom scene but I never followed through with it. I think because I wouldn’t have been doing it with someone whose nature was to want to do those things and I suspect that would have had a huge impact on how those actions were carried out.
That is however not a judgement on someone who isn’t inclined towards acts of service, as their love language or as an expression of their submission. It’s more an observation that I have personally come to the realisation that it’s important for me to have a partner who is doing certain things because they want to and not because I’ve asked it of them.
I’m not saying I shouldn’t ever have to communicate my wants and needs because my partner should automatically just know and do everything for me without ever being prompted. It’s more that I don’t have to want to ask for every little thing my heart desires because some things definitely lose their meaning if you have had to ask for them continuously. This is the case for me at least.
I haven’t asked Mr F how he feels about washing and grooming I have my suspicions though that if we had the right kind of bathroom available to us he’d be excellent at fulfilling my hair washing and soaping down fantasy. I am almost certain if I explained this to him right away he’d be baffled at its simplicity and probably question why it seemed like a big deal to me.
Sometimes when we are watching movies, or just sitting chatting, he will stroke my hair and he is the only romantic partner I can recall doing this to me. The only other people I can remember touching my hair in that way are my Mum and my little boy. I think there is something powerful in him reaching out and filling the space between us with an action I only recognise from nurturing relationships.
The more I consider the actions of washing and grooming I realise how intimate they are and I wonder if perhaps that’s why they haven’t featured much in my life. I have felt physically awkward a lot in past relationships, either with regards to sex or other kinds of physical affection. The type and expression of my awkwardness varied from partner to partner and I never had any explanation for why I was the way I was and why things like hugs and other forms of physical affection didn’t come naturally to me.
I don’t think I’ve changed dramatically though it may look and sound like I have to some folks. I think I’ve just found someone who makes being vulnerable less scary and being looked after, being treated tenderly, being washed, being loved are for me intensely vulnerable positions to be in. I know, often subconsciously, I have found ways to interact with both friends and lovers in a way that protects me from being vulnerable, for some reason though I never did this with Mr F, it just seems to have totally slipped my mind to put up those defences.
Which is why I think the washing thing might actually work for us because I could actually imagine myself relaxing enough to let him do it without my mind finding reasons to stop it before it has begun.