[Life] Hopes & Fears

CW: Fertility Issues/Trying to Conceive

I have been incredibly privileged during lockdown for many reasons. Financially I was looked after well by my employee. I have a good relationship with my son’s Dad and we have co-parented with a similar attitude throughout this whole crisis and it is definitely a blessing to have not been parted from Mr F. This means that my lockdown experience, despite definitely bringing challenges my way, has overall been quite positive. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t have hopes and fears for the future though. In terms of fears, I think my anxiety might be increasing the closer we get to resuming work. I am so excited to get back to work, I miss a lot of my colleagues and I miss the work itself. However, the uncertainty of when that will be and exactly how it will look is starting to niggle at my brain I think. I know it will all be okay and I know as soon as management know anything they will inform us of what is to come, but the current state of ‘maybe soon’ is just a little hard to handle. 

I’m also mildly anxious about how things will work for Mr F and I once work and regular life resumes. We work in the same place and our colleagues only found out about our relationship either just before lockdown commenced, or for many of them, during lockdown when updated our relationship status on Facebook. 

It’s not that I’m worried about their reactions, I’m sure everyone is either not that bothered or happy for us. We haven’t however been at work whilst openly together, secretly together, yes, but not openly and I don’t know how that will look. 

I’ve also got very used to us ‘living together’, while we haven’t done that continuously we have cohabited for a large amount of this lockdown period. I am used to having Mr F here regularly without consulting our schedules or discussing when we both have a free night to spend together. I won’t lie I am worried that when normal life resumes things won’t feel as solid between us. When I look at how far we’ve come logic tells me this is not going to be the case, but my fears over losing something that I cherish so much are definitely rising to the surface. 

Those fears though seem silly compared to what some people are facing right now. I am well aware that I am incredibly privileged right now. In many, many ways. This also means my hopes for the future are also frivolous compared to other folks. When many people are just hoping to feel safer in this world, I’m looking towards day trips and holidays. 

Mr F and I would love to holiday together. Though travel possibilities are still unknown there are other countries we’ve discussed going to. However, he has also said he’d love to visit the Lake District and I am definitely up for that, so perhaps for a little while, UK holidays will be our main adventures. If nothing else perhaps it will give back to an industry that will have been hit hard by the effects of corona. 

There are also some bigger, more serious hopes we have discussed together and I hesitate to mention them here for fear of jinxing them. In reality though I think perhaps I need to let them out into the universe, one of them more so than the other. 

Both myself and Mr F and also my little boy would very much like a puppy. My little boy hasn’t always been confident with dogs and I swore to myself I wouldn’t have another dog unless I had someone committed to sharing that responsibility with me. Mr F has shown me in many ways throughout lockdown that he absolutely would be a great help in raising a little pup. 

I think the big question though is what will come first a fur baby or a human baby. Mr F has been vocal about wanting a baby for as long as I’ve known him. My journey with babies has been hard. I tried for 4 years to get pregnant with my son, and that only happened due to a prescription for Clomid to kick start my ovulation. When I fell pregnant with my second after 6 months of trying and now medical intervention I was overjoyed. When that pregnancy ended in tragedy I was devastated. 

I never imagined I’d be brave enough to try again. In fact, I thought age and circumstance were taking that decision out of my hands. Here I am though, 35 and hoping that by some miracle we will one day be blessed with a bambino of our own. It is scary for me to imagine this becoming a reality, but I am more fearful that it won’t happen at all. That my fertility just won’t be up to scratch and time will pass all too quickly leaving us unable to conceive. 

The world is a shit storm and it is getting worst by the day and part of me feels incredibly selfish for focusing on what are definitely trivial matters compared to the issues others are facing. There’s that other part of me though that been through my own shit in the past and that part of me is more than happy to accept the good things I have in my life, both present and future. 

I also know we might face a lot of raised eyebrows if this is an adventure we are both blessed with. I’m sure there would be lots of questions asked about our certainty about having a baby, but I cannot even begin to express how right it feels when we discuss it. How certain I was in saying this was something I wanted to do with him when he brought it up as we decided to be an official couple. 

It’s scary to even discuss this here on the blog. So scary in fact t I’ve been wondering whether or not I’d be brave enough to press publish. The reason I will though is that I might not be the only person in a situation like this, maybe someone else is trying to feel brave enough to write about fertility or other next big decisions in their life or relationship and if they see me sharing I might just help them in some small way. 

5 thoughts on “[Life] Hopes & Fears

  1. I’m glad you hit publish! I wish you both the best. Also, thank you for the content warning. Some days I’m not up to reading about trying to conceive but today I was able to. The CW helped.
    Storm recently posted…Behind the scenesMy Profile

  2. Thanks for sharing Floss, it was very brave.
    I know the feelings. Now being twice your age, I am really feeling the loss of not having a large family. But after our daughter was born with major health issues (heart and hands) and the dreadful time my wife had post-natal (epilepsy), we decided to stop and be thankful for the child we did have. Fortunately, all my daughter’s health issues have been surgically fixed (8 surgeries in her first 3 years, 18 years of monitoring, then a valve replacement at 26) and she is now a wonderful 38yo mother of my two wonderful grand-children.
    For yourselves, get the very best advice about your condition wrt fertility, carrying to term and birth complications. Age is still on your side, so perhaps try once more. It’s not an easy risk-benefit analysis to have to make between the joy of success and the emotional and physical chances of another loss. Good luck and lots of hugs from your internet friends.
    Sir Thomas recently posted…Numberphiles, stand up and be countedMy Profile

  3. Firstly thank you for linking this post up to For the Health of it. I have been closely following your posts about lockdown, it felt brave for Mr F to move in when your relationship was so new, and I am thrilled things have gone so well. It is so hard to expose our own thoughts to the what ifs let alone to write about them and feel they may be jinxed. I’m feeling a little of that myself. When it comes to pregnancy planning though, I guess if it feels right, go with it. Stuff to do with fertility is really hard as you say above, but if you don’t try then it can’t happen and if you do then it might just.

    Thank you for being so brave Floss xx
    Julie recently posted…A strange weekMy Profile

  4. I don’t think you are worrying about “trivialities”. These are real issues for you. I do believe you’re stuck with Mr F. And that’s a good thing. Working to become pregnant again is a big thing. I wish you success! 35 is still plenty young enough to be a mother again.
    Posting this was brave and I’m going to start praying for your success. Stay safe!
    Maybe Mr. F should consider moving in permanently?

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