‘There will come a time when you believe everything is finished;
That will be the beginning.’ – Louis L’amour
The quote above has been presented to us by LittleSwitchBitch for her new meme Quote Quest. Please do check the link out, and consider getting involved and supporting one of the loveliest bloggers around. The minute I read the first quote she had chosen I knew I’d be getting involved, but honestly where do I start, I feel like this quote is relevant to everything.
Back in November I wrote A Fantasy Unfulfilled. In which I talked about my kink hiatus, by the time I wrote that post I was relieved for kink to be less of a focus for me. Coming to the realisation though that kink and some of the dynamics I’d built through that interest were coming to an end was hard. I did worry at times what that would mean for me, I’d already started over after my marriage ended and even though I knew I’d be fine, it was scary to not know what fine would look like for me going forward.
The truth is though, that ending led to a beginning I could never have dreamed of. Or more precisely a beginning I had often dreamed of but had long since given up on. That fantasy I wrote about, of having someone embrace my sexual submissiveness without BDSM being in the mix, is something I very much have with Mr F.
When we got together he knew a lot of the kinks I was into, he knew all about the FemDom stuff I got up to and told me that he was definitely vanilla but he’d be willing to try stuff if I wanted to. I was excited for the vanilla though. I was genuinely thrilled to remove the expectation of kinks being present and get down and dirty with some non-kinky fuckery. As it happens we’ve thrown in a few kinks along the way. They’re more like the sprinkles on the ice-cream than the ice-cream itself though.
I love the biting, spanks, hair pulling and other kink delights Mr F serves up when we fuck, but honestly, they take second place to the joy I feel when we randomly fuck mid-afternoon simply because I went to ask if he wanted a cup of tea, and one kissing, turns into a making out session and that turns into him removing my clothes and fucking me, just because he can, because I am always, always ready to get fucked by him.
Likewise when I’m barely wake in the morning, and his fingers find my cunt and he makes me come a bunch before he gets up to shower. Maybe he’ll slide his dick into me too, maybe he won’t, but either way the fact he fucks me before even saying good morning makes me so freakin’ happy.
In Hopes & Fears I talked about some of the worries I have related to our future together, but when I look at him and when I’m all wrapped up in him he feels like a very blessed beginning. There were so many things in my ‘everything’s finished’ pile and now they are possibilities, they are hopes, they are dreams and I am so bloody grateful for what feels like another chance.
I want to keep this sex-related though, so I’m going to step away from the soppy talk and get back to some thoughts I’ve had about and since publishing A Fantasy Unfulfilled. Someone on Twitter quote tweeted that post and used it to mansplain to me in a thread that I was basically asking for too much. Which is why that post has a few edits in it!
Firstly they absolutely read it assuming I was talking about BDSM scenes, which I wasn’t, second, they’d clearly never read the rest of my blog and had no context for my thoughts. Now, I should know better than to let some random piss me off, but that did happen and it happened because for the longest time I felt like I was asking too much of partners with my desires and someone saying the things they did pretty much confirmed I was selfish for wanting that fantasy of mine.
I have explained all this to Mr F. In detail. Probably more than once and as it happens he doesn’t feel like he’s hard done by, in fact, he seems to think we’ve got a good thing going. This gets me to thinking about how we can be so scared for something to end, so fearful that we get no more chances, when in reality the thing we are scared of being without isn’t even the best it gets for us, it’s just something we are used to that isn’t even serving us that well.
It can be so easy to think everything is finished, that all our chances are over. Depending on our personal experiences there are so many reasons we can give ourselves as to why that’s true. I’m trying to remind myself every day that there are always more chances. More chances for more adventures, more chances for more happiness and we should never give up on havings dreams for the future.