‘Trust the overthinker who tells you they love you.
They have, most assuredly, thought of every reason not to.’ – L.K. Pilgrim
The quote above is a big mood for me. I am without a shadow of a doubt an overthinker. The overthinking does in many ways go hand in hand with my anxiety, but not exclusively so, I can also overthink a myriad of things that don’t make me anxious but do seemingly require endless thoughts to be processed before I can act on or voice them.
When it comes to relationships, I’ve definitely experienced the whole spectrum of overthinking. When I was with my ex-husband there was no need for overthinking. I was young, we were settled very quickly and under we separated everything was always very straight forward.
When I joined the kink community as a singleton, I very quickly learned to overthink everything with regards to relationships. Whether that was a relationship I was in or with regards to future hypothetical relationships. I was overthinking to the point I was doing myself no favours. You’d think that given how long I was with Bakji for, I would have unlearnt some of that whilst with him, but to be honest non-monogamy and the alternative nature of our dynamic just gave me for fodder for overthinking and it definitely became something I did more and more.
As I always say, this isn’t a criticism of Bakji. Our dynamic suited my life situation for a long time, but I think perhaps it was a lifestyle that always had a shelf life for me. I think I am far more suited to a relationship that allows me to give the overthinking a rest. That’s not to say I won’t overthink in other areas of life, I definitely always will, but my relationship is one area in which I just don’t want to do that any more.
When I decided I must sample the carnal delights of Mr F I had to allow myself not to overthink it at all because quite frankly the reasons not to do pursue him outweighed any good reason to approach him with my lusty desires. Which was all well and good when I thought he’d only be up for one or two brief fumbles. As time went on though and our interactions became more frequent, ongoing and more intense the overthinking reared its ugly head.
There have been so many conversations with Mr F where my constant overthinking has been highlighted and he’s been utterly baffled by what I’m trying to explain. To the point where he just ends up saying, ‘okay I don’t get it, so here’s the deal’ and he will just very clearly make his feelings on whatever we’re talking about known so that overthinking is impossible because he’s left no room for confusion.
He asked me once if I missed non-monogamy and truthfully I don’t. I still support it as a totally valid relationship model for many folks, but it does encourage me to overthink, overanalyse and does not really leave me enough room for feeling relaxed and settled in my relationship and I’ve realised I need that. I need the almost fairytale-like belief that I’ve found my one and only. While I am well aware of the reality of life, and that relationships end and things can and do go wrong, the romantic in me loves that feeling that something magical and reality-defying is afoot.
When talks of a UK lockdown were surfacing, it was decided that little boy would lockdown at his Dad’s which would leave Mr F and I both in our respective homes alone. This made no sense to me, I wanted him with me, no doubt about it. There was no overthinking, no wondering how it could go wrong, just me saying to him, ‘don’t be bored at home, just come and be with me’. He said I think in half jest that I’d get annoyed with his silliness after a couple of days, but honestly, I knew that wouldn’t be the case.
Slowly but surely I’ve have reached a point where his place in my life feels so natural it’s hard to imagine it being any other way, which doesn’t leave a lot of room for overthinking. That’s not to say I haven’t had many moments of overthinking our relationship, especially early on. I was able to think of many reasons why we probably shouldn’t be more serious than we were, the trouble was though, that even when I laid all those reasons out in my mind, my overwhelming feeling was ‘omg but I want him so much’ and all the overthinking in the world couldn’t stop me from falling for him.
There are still a whole host of things I could overthink about our relationship and maybe occasionally I have my moments where I do ponder what might be in our future but overall I just think good things are coming our way. Perhaps I’m living in a dream world, or maybe my NRE (new relationship energy) is really lingering and making everything seem wonderful, I choose to believe that my gut feeling is worth acknowledging though and my gut is telling me things are going to be fantastic.
What magic is it that has quashed my overthinking? Honestly, I’m not entirely sure, all I know is that when I look at Mr F every sense I have swims with how good it feels to be with him and in the face of that I just can’t overthink a single thing.