I don’t not believe in God, but I also don’t for certain absolutely believe in him, which I think means I’m not 100% on board with the Christianity version of things but I definitely believe in something. What you might ask is that something, well I’m not entirely sure to be honest.
I truly believe that something bigger than all of us exists, in a way, shape and place that we cannot even begin to imagine. I think perhaps that all the different religions and spiritual experiences people have probably all circle back to the same ‘power’ that we can’t see or touch or prove the existence of but we try and therefore a varied world of religions and spiritual paths was born.
I find all religions fascinating and always have done. Though predominantly growing up my family were Catholics, though definitely only when it suited them, and through my own curiosity I also had a lot of general Christianity flutter into my life. One of the things I thoroughly enjoy are bible quotes and passages, there have been times in my life when words relating to faith have actually comforted and pulled me through some tricky times. My favourite piece of writing in terms of this isn’t actually from the bible though but is probably one of the most well-known pieces of writing about God having our back when we are struggling …
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”
I’ve had things happen in my life that haven’t been nice. More so, I know things have happened to those I love that are far beyond a level of trauma I can even begin to imagine and I know a question that is asked time and time again of people who believe in God is ‘why would he let these awful things happen?’. For me, I have got through the hard times in my life by believing everything happens for a reason. Even the awful, hard, trying time comes to us so that we can find out way to where we are meant to be in life.
Maybe I can think that way because my hard times haven’t been anywhere close to what some people experience as hard. All I know is that the only way I have successfully managed to navigate grief is by accepting and believing that there more to this world than we know and our experiences reach into an existence we cannot conceive of while we are here. Thus the troubles we face here, the loss, the trauma, the sadness as well as the love, the joy and the peace are all part of a bigger journey.
When I was younger I had many experiences that when I shared them with my Mum I will never forget her wide-eyed look of, I think horror, as she uttered the words ‘you’re such a witch’. When my ex and I were looking to move house there were many places I walked into and almost instantly walked straight out of again because there was no way in hell I would ever feel comfortable in them. Whatever existed in them was not something I wanted to live alongside.
Part of why I believe there is something more than just what we can prove is because I can feel it out there. In ways I maybe don’t fully understand. I haven’t always chosen to embrace and acknowledge what I can feel around me but there are times when these things reach out to me or move within me in a way that I can’t ignore, or in a way that gives me knowledge and strength regarding certain matter sin my life.
I know for sure there are very logical explanations to my experiences, I’m sure many people would be happy to give them to me. The truth is I repeatedly explained away my experiences when I was trying to push any kind of faith out of my life. I always knew that logic wasn’t my truth though and deep in my gut faith was what truly explained my experiences and believes. Accepting that and being unapologetic about having an element of spirituality in my life has been liberating.
I don’t expect anyone else to agree with me, I also don’t expect to be told I am wrong though. Each to their own I say and for me it is as important to accept other people differing believes as it is to accept my own. I am more than happy to discuss our differing opinions and I’m happy to learn from others but I don’t think there is any need to be disrespectful.
Speaking of respect, for sure some folks might be uncomfortable with how I sometimes mix erotica and religion, which I totally understand. When I first decided it was something I was going to explore and something I would be willing to publish I knew not everyone would be happy to read it. The reason I choose to write and share those stories is of course for the erotic element and my conscience is clear about sharing them because I know there is no malicious intent in my heart and if there comes a time for my spirit to be judged by a higher being I am confident they would only find good things there.