I had a totally different post written for this week’s Food for Thought, but for various reasons, my thoughts kept taking another path and I found myself wanting to share those thoughts as more than just my usual internal monologue. This is a love letter, but not of the romantic variety, and such it comes with a Content Warning … this is a letter to the baby I never got to bring home if you’d like to know more about that journey you can read My Kinky Roots. If however, you feel like baby loss is going to be a difficult topic for you to contemplate right now then I will not be offended if you need to give this post a miss.
‘No matter how much time passes, there will forever be a constant unfillable void.
There will always be this hollow place deep inside that throbs for the one who is gone.’
I’ve thought of you every day since I walked out of that hospital knowing you were no longer growing inside of me. These past few months though I have been thinking about you so much much more.
You would be so big now, you would be six to your brothers eight. I think of how there should be two of you causing mischief in my life and how different things might have been if you could have stayed.
My life has been marked irrevocably by losing you. I think I made the best decisions I could and I have met wonderful people along the way, my adventures have been varied and I know deep in my hear that losing you set me on a pathway I never would have ventured on had you stayed with me.
I told myself many times that I wasn’t strong enough to risk having to say goodbye to someone so precious to me ever again. I have guarded myself in so many ways since you left to make sure this didn’t happen.
Life has a way of showing you just how wrong you can be though and some way, somehow I find myself following yet another path I never imagined I’d be on and for some reason, it is you my thoughts are with and it is you that makes me feel like I can be brave enough to let in any and all kinds of love that come my way, even if it happened to be the kind I thought I could not give again.
I don’t know what I believe in any more, there have been too many curveballs in life for me to hold tight to any one truth. What I do know though is that I’ve never been able to shake the feeling that sometimes life has plans for us that we just cannot conceive of until they happen to us.
Of all the people I have said goodbye to in my life, I wonder if it is strange that you are the one that I feel most strongly when you only ever existed inside of me for just a few months. If there is anyone out there having a hand in what life sends my way, I feel like perhaps it is you. Especially now.
There is something in the air, in my bones, in my gut that tells me I should be keeping my heart and my mind open and every time I remind myself of this it is you I am thinking of, you, my beautiful little boy who I never got to meet, but who I have loved intensely regardless of how brief our time together was.
All this time the edges of the void losing you left inside me have been jagged, and they hurt me constantly as I tried to fill that hollow place inside me. I think, perhaps, I’ve found a way to soften the edges, or maybe I knew how to do that all along but I was afraid.
The fear, the guilt, the pain was all I could see on so many days, but life was still good because I found a place to be safe. Then when I wasn’t expecting it, there was a light, and it showed me a path I’d never imagined I’d find again. I think I started walking down it without even noticing, my feet carrying me before my mind could stop me.
I hope I am going in the right direction, I hope I am moving towards something good, no matter where I am heading though or who I am heading there with, just know that you are always with me, always and forever, because even if I find a way to let go of this grief, I could never let go of your memory and nor would I want to.
‘Some people say you’re too painful to remember.
I say you’re too precious to forget.’
So, that’s my letter, which would have been my entire post, but life is ironically cruel sometimes and I have some things I think it would help me to share. Maybe it will help others too, because we don’t talk about baby loss, in all its forms, enough and people suffer in silence because we might make other people uncomfortable if we share our pain and grief.
This week my period was a week late, I won’t lie, my mind went to that ‘what if’ place. If my period had not come, if a pregnancy had been a reality I needed to face, it would have been an incredibly complex situation.
When my period finally arrived and it scuppered the plans for fuckery on Valentine’s Day I told Mr F we should perhaps be grateful it arrived, his response was he’d be happy either way and I honestly believe him.
Fast forward to Sunday morning and I get a phone call from my little boy with big news, his Daddy his having a baby with his fiance. This is amazing news and I am incredibly happy for them. It was news that totally broke me though. I have not stopped crying. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel jealous. I feel selfish. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel confused. I feel a million things and they are all hurting.
The realisation that came with feeling this crap was that I only wanted to be in one place, I wanted to curl up alongside Mr F for cuddles and stay there until something shifted inside me. Work calls though so we can’t do that today, but I did share with him how I was feeling and why and damn, he stepped up with his response.
I still don’t know what the future holds for us, one of the reasons being is a seven year age gap, him being the younger of us. In many ways, it makes no difference, in some ways, it does. However, his openness and his uncomplicated view of so many aspects of life fill me with a feeling I can’t quite put my finger on, but I know it is a good feeling, it is a feeling I want to move towards.
Maybe we are beginning a journey together, or maybe he is the stop along the way of a bigger journey for me, either way, he has been a moment of joy in an otherwise horrible day.