[Life] Living Without Regret (Mostly)

Some mistakes get made

That’s alright, that’s okay

You can think that you’re in love

When you’re really just in pain

Some mistakes get made

That’s alright, that’s okay

In the end it’s better for me

That’s the moral of the story babe

Ashe – Moral of the Story

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, it gives us a great viewpoint of all the things we cannot change but often wish we’d done differently. I try really hard not to dwell too much on how I might have done things differently, instead, I try to reassure myself that when I made certain decisions or followed a certain path I did so for reasons that were right for me at the time. 

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve conducted my life over the past 5 years or so and hindsight has tried to kick my ass. I have been constantly reminding myself that I have always done what felt right for me at the time, and even though what feels right has clearly changed it doesn’t make the past wrong, it just makes it different. 

Since I separated from my ex-husband I drew a very distinct line between my romantic life and my parenting life. Whilst Bakji and my little one did meet on many occasions I never pushed for it and I never tried or wanted it to be a more family kind of vibe. This was no reflection on either of them and very much about what was going on in my mind. 

I also explained in an age appropriate way the alternative dynamic that Bakji and I had. My little boy knew we were very close but I did explain that Bakji wasn’t my boyfriend in the same way his Daddy had a girlfriend. I didn’t realise until recently just how well he understood this and how his main thought was that Mummy really should have a proper boyfriend, and preferably one that might come and watch movies with me once he was in bed. 

I spent a long time not wanting to replace his dad, not just in his life, but in mine. I felt like I had walked away from a settled life, my family, a man who wanted nothing more than to build a life with me until we were old and grey and I honestly felt like finding that again with someone else would be some kind of betrayal or perhaps more than I deserved. 

That is why I very specifically sought out the life and relationships I did and in some ways that approach served me well. It gave me time and space to figure my shit out, with good people, fun times and many, many kinky adventures. I do not regret the last 5 years I’ve spent with the kink community being my main source of frivolity and pleasure and I certainly do not regret my friendship with Bakji, because we did have so many amazing times together. 

This week though something different happened and it was good. The small human and I went to the cinema with Mr F. I sat there and realised how nice it was to not be segregating my life quite as severely as I have been. That’s when hindsight came knocking, trying to point out I could have had this all along and I have to remind myself that until now, I did not want it all along, I wasn’t open to it, or ready for it and I am seeing the possibilities now because my heart has changed. 

Mr F is cute as fuck, sexy as hell and my god does he make me smile. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have hopes and thoughts of him being in my future, but I can understand if that doesn’t end up happening in quite the way I’d like and I’m okay with taking the risk on this one because he is continually shining a light on a version of me that I thought I had completely let go of. 

Many of my fellow bloggers have wisely said on some of my other posts that they believe people come into our lives for a reason and I absolutely agree with them. I cannot even begin to explain how inexplicably drawn to Mr F I was long before my feelings were sexual, or as I suspect they are now, romantic. I would find myself telling him things and afterwards wonder what on earth had possessed me to start such a conversation. 

It is only with hindsight that I can see where my interest in him was taking me. Even the innocent conversations, the ones before I actively wanted to fuck him and pursued him with that intent. I’d love to explain more about how Mr F and I met, but anonymity and privacy are the reasons I can’t, I promise it’s not dodgy though, and we are hurting no one, but there are complexities. Even taking those into account, which I have to on a daily basis, I have no regrets in being the one who made advances towards him. 

There are things I regret in life, there are things I wish I had done differently, but most of them I know I couldn’t change with all the will in the world. I’ve been the person I needed to be, to survive, to change, to grow, to find my way and where I have found my way to, both now and in the past have been wonderful adventures, with wonderful people and those are things that no one should regret. 

5 thoughts on “[Life] Living Without Regret (Mostly)

  1. It must be so hard to deal with relationships when it’s not just you to consider. But if you have someone that is a positive influence on you and the tiny human then maybe it’s worth the risk, especially if he’s cute.

  2. You seem to have a handle on exactly what you need, without being too harsh on yourself or anyone else in the mix, and it sounds like you’ve made the process as relatable as possible for your kiddo.

    That’s all anyone can do. None of us really know where our lives are taking us. The best we can do is be open and grateful, enjoying every moment for what it is.

  3. To me it sounds like you are very sensible about what you want for yourself and your little man and taking things step by step, you will be led on the right way to finding those things. Good things do happen to us 🙂

    Rebel xox

  4. This post warms my heart and had me nodding along. I agree that we have to move forward, not with regret but to see things we couldn’t change as just different. I’d just say, enjoy each day and see where it takes you xx
    Julie recently posted…Showing some legMy Profile

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