I’ve spent the last four, close to five years learning how to be logical in regards to relationships. I taught myself to keeps my emotions in check and I endlessly navigated how I could make non-monogamy work for me. The entire time I was doing all this I wasn’t really considering what I wanted, just focusing what I thought was most sensible.
I’m not saying I didn’t have fun, I absolutely did and I’m not saying the decisions I made weren’t the right ones, because I suspect they were. But you know how they say you need to know the rules before you can break the rules, well I feel like I needed to learn how to logical and sensible so I could throw all that out the window and be terribly impulsive.
I know all about NRE (new relationship energy) but I’ve never written about it, and we didn’t do a podcast on it until the very end of ProudToBeKinky, the reason being as a kinkster I never had to worry about it. That’s not to say it didn’t occur, Bakji I definitely had it, but it was well managed, it didn’t become impulsive, we didn’t overindulge in each other, we didn’t make rash declarations of love, hell, we waited so long to share those kinds of feelings it became almost comical. We did none of the things NRE can sometimes make you want to do and I’m not entirely sure I want to hold back quite that fully again.
I’m not exactly in a relationship right now, but I’m definitely in a something and absolutely 100% that something involves a fuckton of NRE. I know this, I know a lot of how we feel and what we want is based in NRE, I know it, I remind myself of it and still, I just want to give in to it because it just feels so freakin’ wonderful.
There was a night where we were both free, I knew this, he hadn’t quite caught on to this fact. When he did realise though, his response was ‘wait, we’re both free, why aren’t you here’. I had to explain that I’d become accustomed to managing a relationship and not just giving in to every whim, and how I didn’t want to overdo it and make him bored of seeing me. He was a little bit baffled, I think he also found my outlook a little bit sad and confirmed that if he’s home alone I am welcome to be there with him. It was very sweet and it felt good to remove a little it of the logic I was using and just go with the instinct to want to spend time with him.
Currently, Mr F is not in our hometown, he’s off on his own adventure, five days is the length of time I don’t see him for. I know five days is nothing, and my impatience gives me the utmost respect for my fellow bloggers who are in long-distance relationships. Waiting five days for him though? Holy crap it’s intense, five days with NRE enveloping you feels like an eternity. The good news is that I can actually tell him this. I’m not trying to play it cool, I’m telling him I want him, I’m telling him the days will feel long and I’m telling him I cannot wait to have him back.
That’s not to say I don’t want him to have fun and enjoy himself, I do want that for him, non-monogamy taught me a lot about compersion and I think that is a lesson I am very keen to keep hold of. Want I don’t want to keep hold of is pretending I don’t want someone desperately when I do. Now that’s not to say I’ve shared every feeling I’ve had, I haven’t, I’m getting braver but not to the point of recklessness.
We spend a lot of time during PTBK pondering why people continuously follow the same relationship narratives when clearly they often don’t work. We spent even more time outside of PTBK analysing the exact same thing. With the conclusion being that the way we were doing things was a better approach. In hindsight, different is not always better, and you really do have to embrace the relationship style that feels right to you.
Here’s the thing I’ve been pondering on lately, maybe it doesn’t always work out, but maybe the fun and the joy is in trying until it does finally feel like a good fit. Maybe the risks people take and the fallout from relationships that end is worth it for people because when it feels good, that good perhaps outweighs the bad.
My current situation, despite its challenges and lack of definition, is easily the most ‘vanilla’ or socially normative I’ve been in a very long time with regards to relationships and it just feels so nice, so easy and so uncomplicated. Which is total madness because believe me when I tell you it is really complicated, in many ways, but it’s essence, it’s ease of enjoyment, those are the simple things and I am so here for that.
I spoke to a friend recently and I explained how it felt slightly awkward admitting that I perhaps, just maybe, didn’t really want to do non-monogamy any more. At least not in the way I have previously. I feel like I’ve spent so championing it as an option, that changing my mind will seem like a kneejerk reaction, that perhaps making that decision in the midst of NRE is a big mistake. She made a valid point though, I’m making, or considering making that decision after I’ve explored my options quite thoroughly. I’m also thinking and discussing and actually not rushing into anything.
The truth is I haven’t discussed non-monogamy with Mr F yet. Well we have in terms of how it worked for me in the past and it’s not something he’s ever done before and I’m not entirely sure it would be within his comfort zone with regards to a more serious relationship. The reason I haven’t brought it up is that we are technically not dating, we are at best friends with benefits, dating and monogamy and a relationship would have far-reaching consequences that cannot be taken lightly and actually consequences that we may not be willing to face, therefore making those commitments would not be possible.
What I do know is these thoughts on non-monogamy don’t necessarily have to be relevant to Mr F. Regardless of how things work out with he and I the truth is that one day I want something a little more exclusive than what I’ve had in the past, a little more serious, a little more committed and a little more mine. Maybe that isn’t something Mr F can offer me and that’s okay, but it is him that has shone a light on how much I would enjoy those things.
He is sweeter than I think he knows, he has cooked me dinners and pulled me into hugs, held me tight, stroked my hair and softened parts of me I didn’t still know were hard. He may never know this. He may never know that watching movies and getting coffee and going to the shops has been a turning point for me in understanding some of the things I want from a relationship. All of which can, of course, happen in a non-monogamous relationship, so this part isn’t about that, but it is about knowing I need an intimacy beyond kink, I need and want the so-called ‘vanilla’ stuff, because it makes me feel good and wanted and happy and cherished.
As I said Mr F is on his own adventure at the minute, I assumed it would involve fucking of other ladies. A brief mention of this before he left had him saying he doubted that would happen because I’ve worn him out. Instead, he says he’ll let the tension build and then take it all out on me when he returns. My truth, right or wrong, is that I hope the latter happens. I hope he fucks no one else while he’s away, which feels like a terrible confession and it is one I have not shared with him. It might seem daft not being honest about that, but I feel like he needs to have that option open to him without the weight of my interests laying heavy on his decisions.
Him fucking someone else won’t be me done though, well unless being done is a decision he makes, I am so grateful that I have learnt all the things I have over the last few years because they do help me understand a lot of what I am feeling right now. The last few years have also taught me that blogging about it, in an endless stream like this, with no real point to my post other than to share, is a level of catharsis that is incredibly beneficial to me.
In summary, NRE is a bit of a wonderful and torturous fucker. At the time of writing, it’s been less than 48 hours since I last saw him, I was in his bed Sunday morning getting kisses and cuddles. In 72 hours (less once this is published) I will be spending time with him again, yet here I am, missing him like fuck and having no other way to deal with it than writing over 1500 words about him. Folks when I say I’m screwed, this is why. I am hopelessly and tragically smitten and I’m not in the least bit sorry about that. I think perhaps I need this and I don’t know why, but I’m willing to go along for the ride until I find out.