I have a busy brain and I’m not very good at turning it off and that is primarily the root of my on and off existence with anxiety. Last year I pushed my brain to work harder than it ever has before. I made it create endless pages of content for the blog whilst also focusing on muggle work and my personal life. By the end of 2019 I was a little bit frazzled and I am in all honesty giving myself a massive break right now.
Assuming that parenting is always my top priority and putting that aside as a given, last year my number one priority became this blog and I am so proud of what that achieved for me. In 2020 though there needs to be a bit of a shift, not only because life is a little different now, but because my brain probably can’t take the same pace again, not alongside my other changes too. I’ve gone from working 20 hours a week to 30, over the festive period it was actually closer to 45. Maintaining those hours and the same level of content as last year would be impossible.
This does, however, mean I need to figure out two things; what my priorities are and what steps I’m going to take to be a little bit kinder to my brain.
As I’ve mentioned previously I am 100% continuing to blog, there is no chance of me giving this up or leaving it behind. I love my blog, I love my readers and I need to be here for my own sanity. This outlet is a massive part of how I unravel my thoughts and get things straight in my mind, and your feedback and comments are a huge part of that. You folks often observe and point out things that I perhaps overlooked or not seen from a valuable perspective and that is invaluable to me.
I am going to ease up though and I’m not going to panic if work keeps me tied up for a few days and posts don’t get done. One of the memes I’ve loved being involved in is Lingerie Is For Everyone, which I’ve missed for a couple of weeks now. Partly because I’ve been wearing less underwear, and partly because the energy to take photos has been lower. I will get back to it, but for now, I’m just having to accept that I need to go where my creativity and energy leads me. Another good example of my haphazard approach to blogging this year is that I starting writing this prompt for week 52 of Sex Bloggers for Mental Health but didn’t get it finished in time, so I’m linking it up in week 53 instead. I didn’t finish it because human interactions won over writing and I think this is a sign of me doing things right.
As for the writing I will end up doing, well at the minute you’re just getting a long stream of me figuring things out about myself as I enjoy a new human. Apologies if I get boring with that, be grateful that I’m keeping it fairly factual and I’m not actually releasing the endless gushing about how fucking cute he is and how goddamn horny he makes me every single second of the day. I’m not sure anyone is ready for that, least of all him if he happens to stop by here, which is a possibility.
Which leads me nicely to another priority, enjoying myself. I’m going to say yes to things that genuinely excite me and no to the things that don’t fill me with glee. This is also about mindfulness as well. I really struggle when I end up doing things that actually give me pangs of anxiety and just more stress than they’re worth. It feels harsh because this may mean saying no sometimes to people who mean well or genuinely wants to see me, but some people have no concept of why they make me anxious and really that doesn’t feel like my problem. Looking after myself is my problem, making myself happy is my problem and I committed to doing both those things as authentically as possible in 2020.
In terms of saying yes to things that make me happy, I have discovered some things of late that make me happy and I had no idea I missed them so much. I enjoy doing the regular things that folks often do together with another person. In the last month, I have been shopping, been for coffee and watched movies with someone all without worrying that we’d already done things together that week and without it meaning we needed to forego other plans. It’s been eye-opening, I had no idea I missed those kinds of things, but I think I have and doing them with someone has made me super happy.
I also mentioned in passing to a colleague today that I’d like to go to the cinema more and she also said there are loads of movies she’d like to go and see but no one to go with. I genuinely like this girl, she’s fun to talk to and we have a good amount in common. I have promised myself that I am going to follow this up. I am not great at instigating friendships, but I think a message asking when we are hitting a movie together would be well received and it would make me so happy to have a movie friend.
I’ve spent a long time living a fairly alternative lifestyle and I don’t regret that for a moment, I have loved my life over the last 6 years, but for the sake of mindfulness, I think I need something else for a while. That’s not to say the last few years have been bad for my mental wellbeing, that absolutely isn’t the case. I was living exactly how I needed to live and I treasure the time I spent being a kinky motherfucker and the people I had those kinky adventures with. My decision to open myself to something a little more ‘social norm’ is very much about where I am now, and a lot less about where I have been.
I think I’m a little way off from my ideal or perhaps preferred situation in terms of relationships, as happy as my current play partner makes me (who was given the awesome nickname Mr Fuckery by my regular reader Michael, which I love and I will have more on this soon) I don’t think I can expect to him to ultimately want the same things as me, and that’s okay. He has his own reasons for wanting the things he does, and his own reasons for not wanting some of the things I do, at the minute I enjoy his company and our time together in such a way that it is worth balancing both our wants and needs and keeping things active between us.
Part of my approach to keeping my mind calm is to eliminate unnecessary worries, which there can be many of if you’re someone who has any level of anxiety. I have promised myself that I will not continue in any dynamic, current or future, without being honest about my feelings and my desires. This might mean losing something good at some point, but I’ve taken many deep breaths and reminded myself that losing someone because you asked for something you needed and they couldn’t provide it is actually a blessing because it allows you the freedom to find what it is you are looking for in another place.
It’s actually quite liberating to have reached this point, I’ve held so much in with regards to many aspects of life in the past with the aim being to please those around me and cater to their requirements often to the detriment of my own sense of wellbeing. That’s got to stop though, an example of me still doing this came up over the weekend, and my guarded bullshit came into action with Mr Fuckery and it almost cost me a night of lovely fucking and morning cuddles. Whereas straight-up honesty that I was free to see him and that I would like to would have got us to a sexy point much sooner.
I think if I get my priorities straight it will do wonders for my sense of mindfulness and mental wellbeing. Emotional honesty and sexual needs are right up there as 2020 priorities and if I can get those things met I will be a very happy Floss.