‘She is a game changer,
The kind of girl that redefines everything you thought you knew about amazing.’
j. Iron word
The concept of game changers can be applied to almost every avenue of life, but it came up a lot when I was consuming a lot of resources on non-monogamy. It’s a subject I’ve always wondered about, in relation to my own feelings and relationships and when looking from the outside in when it comes to other peoples dynamics too and lately It’s something I’ve been thinking about more.
There are a lot of aspects to relationships that I’ve said I’ll never do again. Stepping onto the relationship escalator being the main one, which in turn tends to rules out things like marriage, living together, babies and such like. Now, at 35 with a history of fertility issues and a painful pregnancy loss behind me, babies for sure seems like something I am done with. But how can I be sure? Same goes for all the other relationship milestones I’ve sworn off, how can I know for certain my mind can’t be changed?
When I joined the kink community I was entirely monogamous. I’d heard of polyamory, but had no inclinations to try it. Then I met people, and those people were polyamorous and suddenly I wasn’t exactly monogamous anymore. What I never wanted though in those early days was to have a ‘primary’ partner and be non-monogamous. I figured if met someone I liked enough to be with as my main partner, then I’d want to be monogamous. Then I met Bakji.
Bakji was very clear from day one that monogamy would not work for him, neither would the relationship escalator. As time moved on and I realised I wasn’t developing feelings for him, I had a lot of thinking to do. While I certainly had no desire to do some things, like living together, I wasn’t entirely sure how much of standard coupledom I wanted to give up. The conclusion I eventually came to was that I was happy to forge a relationship with Bakji that looked however we needed it to.
I made that decision based largely on a desire to be with Bakji. It wasn’t a decision I made a single person, it was a decision I made based on the desire to be partnered, in some way, with a specific person. I do not regret my decision in any way, Bakji and myself had the most amazing fun creating and enjoying the dynamic we had together. Now though, I’m just me again, I’m not part of that pairing any more which means in many ways I’m back to the drawing board in terms of defining what it is I want from a relationship.
There is a wealth of posts on this blog about non-monogamy. I think in this day and age we need to have alternatives to monogamy because it simply doesn’t work for everyone, and in many cases, the formula many folks follow for relationships is outdated and unfulfilling. I have no idea if I still identify as non-monogamous. As things stand at the moment I think I do, but, and I think I’ve always known this, there’s a chance I would give it up.
The truth is that I don’t regret getting married. I loved being married, I loved being a wife and until it stopped working it was amazing. It isn’t marriage in general that makes me say never again, it’s the knowledge of how much I enjoyed being married to that specific person.
The reason I’ve always said I’d never get married again is that I felt like it would somehow be a betrayal against my ex-husband. Which is daft, I left him and we got divorced and it was all my doing, the betrayal doesn’t run much deeper than that. He is happy though, he has been with his fiance for almost five years and they will at some point be man and wife. I don’t know if I want to be someone’s wife again, but I think I owe it to myself and my potential happiness to stop telling myself ‘never’ with regards to so many things.
I know in my post about apologising, I discussed how I wanted to stop changing myself for other people and in a way, I feel like this post is directly contradicting that post because here I am saying I would change my mind on things for the right person/people. I think the potential for a change in outlook on the relationship stuff would only occur in the face of acceptance of the me being me stuff.
Once again I think I’m analysing stuff a lot of people don’t seem to think about. I just see so many people I know taking chance after chance on love, trying again and persisting no matter what because one day they believe it will all fall into place. Then I look around and see all the people that holds true for, the people who’ve got the kind of relationship that totally fulfils them and I get why people keep trying.
It’s not that I suddenly want to go back the life I had or that I’m expecting one person to suddenly be the be-all and end-all of my existence, but what I can’t help but think it’s healthier to open my mind up to romantic possibilities int he same way I do kinky possibilities. With kink, even now when that’s on a bit of a hiatus, I am always open to new kinks and I never close myself off from what they might mean for my growth as a kinkster. Why would I do any less than that with the rest of my life? That is what I’ve been doing though and I think it’s time to stop.
I think I got myself all tangled up in a lot of can’ts, won’ts, nevers and no ways and if I was giving someone else advice, which I have been doing the past week, I’d tell them life is far too short to stifle themselves in this way and if they think they have a shot at happiness they should take it. Even if that happiness looks different from what they had imagined for themselves. I’d also tell them that they deserve that happiness, which is sometimes something I forget is also true for myself.
I thought I’d forgiven myself for some of my past choices, but I’ve realised in the last few months I hadn’t. I was still placing limitations on myself, and effectively yelling myself ‘you can be happy, so long as it’s within these parameters’. I have finally come to a place in my life where I don’t want to place restrictions on how I can be happy and if one day someone happens to come along and happiness with them will mean the game changing, I am finally okay with and open to that adventure.