I’ve discussed my somewhat peculiar journey with orgasms before, but I will give you a little recap. My body was an orgasm free zone up until I gave birth to my son. I tried all the tips they give you to encourage my body to get to that place and it never did.
I tried things while I was alone, I tried things with a partner, and while lots of things felt good, nothing felt orgasmic. The closest I ever got was when I used a vibrator on my clit, but honestly, that got to a point where it became uncomfortable rather than sexy and I’d have to abort my mission. Which means for 13 years I was sexually active with both men and women with zero orgasms, and I mean zero, not sometimes, not rarely, I mean absolutely none at all ever.
The girls I dated never questioned the lack of orgasms, the first guy I slept with probably couldn’t have cared less about my orgasms and I suspect had very little knowledge of a woman’s pleasure at all. With my ex-husband, we did discuss it and he knew that I never had an orgasm when we fucked, but that I did enjoy our sexual intimacy.
I eventually gave up even caring about orgasms, I figured my body didn’t know how to do them and forcing the issue probably didn’t help. So I stopped trying and still didn’t have them, so that was that. It never occurred to me to fake them though, things felt good, so I was a vocal and enthusiastic lover (most of the time anyway) and I enjoyed myself so instead of learning the art of faking I just enjoyed things for what they were.
After I gave birth my body seemingly realised it was, in fact, capable of more than it had allowed itself access to previously, and suddenly orgasms were a thing. Don’t get me wrong amazingly intense orgasms didn’t just start happening, but sensations I was unfamiliar with did start happening and the more I went with them and just let them happen, the stronger and more frequent they became and eventually I did feel like I was riding the orgasm wave.
What I discovered when I joined the kink scene was that my body ad even more to show me, I went from zero orgasms to being multi-orgasmic. It’s rare that I have that big final climax that you might see in porn or the movies, the kind of orgasm that signifies you’re done and no more action is required. My body just kind of keeps going, which I think makes me seem more like I’m faking than ever before.
I suppose if I were a different person, I’d enjoy my various stypes of orgasms during a session and then offer a final ‘fake one’ to symbolise satisfaction and completion, but I’m not that girl. I’m the girl who’s going to explain how my orgasms work and then allow whoever is fucking me to just keep on going until they’re done, or until we’re just completely worn out. Both of which are totally viable options for me.
Even though my body has definitely figured out to find pleasure and run with it to climax town, things are always up and down in terms of how likely I am to achieve orgasms, especially when it comes to masturbation. Orgasms are best for me when I have them with a sexual partner and I’m okay with that I don’t care that I’m not my own best lover. I need the sex appeal of another person to really get me going and sometimes that leaks into masturbation, but most of the time I need their warm, sexy body right there with me to truly get the party started.
Which means that sometimes I come really fucking hard when I masturbate, maybe my imagination is captured in just the right way or I’ll find the perfect porn to get off too and I’ll fuck myself until I can barely breathe and I’ll come with such intensity I surprise myself. Other times, and honestly most of the time, I feel horny and get myself off just to get rid of the constant aching want for something I can’t have right at that moment in time. That thing I want being another person to fuck me.
Orgasms are great. They’re sexy, they’re fun, they feel utterly delicious, but I know all too well that they are not the be-all and end-all of enjoying sexual intimacy with a person. Which means I don’t feel under pressure for them to show up every time I have sex or masturbate. Equally, I’d be okay with a partner getting to that place, so long as they were enjoying themselves. Granted lack of a potential orgasm signifying they weren’t into things would be a very different matter.
I’d also rather have the feedback on my performance, rather than the fake orgasm. Which I know is sometimes excruciatingly awkward, but if I’m doing something that I think is a sure-fire move to get someone off and they’re lying there wishing I’d do anything but want I’m doing, then I want to know. Especially if all I need to do is change my moves and they get to enjoy our time together a lot more.
I think orgasms for those of us with vulva’s are a lot more complex than the wider world are open to discussing. Stress, hormones, tiredness, medication, all of these things and more can have an impact on our likelihood of reaching climax. That doesn’t mean that intimacy should be avoided though even if we think our chances of having an orgasm are slim. I think equating sexual pleasure with orgasm leaves out a lot of opportunities for some amazing experiences.
I love being physically intimate with people I’m hot for. This ranges from heavy making out sessions to clawing at their flesh while we fuck and everything in between. Some sexual acts are more likely to end in orgasm than others, what those acts will vary from person to person, but just because you won’t come from a handjob doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the feelings that come from me taking your dick in my hand. Perhaps I will squirm with delight as you circle my clit, but maybe it isn’t a day for clit orgasms, doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy the sensations though.
For me faking orgasms misses the whole point of sexual intimacy and it focuses our entire experience on that one moment, a moment that faking says, you have failed without. That said I know this is perhaps a very idealistic viewpoint and I suspect I will read many posts from fellow bloggers where I will nod my head and totally understand why in certain situations they faked it. As with everything related to sex, our experiences are uniquely personal, and I can only share my own experiences. I am glad I didn’t decide to fake it though because 13 years of faking sounds exhausting and I think questions would have been asked when I finally started having orgasms totally different to anything we had seen before!