As many of you will have read I’m on a bit of a kink hiatus at the moment. Which I’m feeling pretty chill about and despite the fact it has taken me back to single lady status, it is a decision I am entirely positive about. Whether my hiatus last a few months, a few years or indefinitely there are certain things I gained from exploring kink that I will be exceptionally grateful for and vocabulary is one of them.
When I was married I found it impossible to find words to articulate what it was I wanted from our sexual relationship, and when my ex-husband would ask me about fantasies I had I would just freeze. I had no fantasies. Honestly, every time he asked that question my mind went blank and I had nothing to offer him and it came to be a question I absolutely hated.
The truth is I did have a fantasy, for the entire time we were together my fantasy was that he’d stop asking me if we’d have sex that night, he’d stop expecting me to create the fanfare for sex, he’d stop trying to push the things I was less comfortable with and embrace the fact I just wanted to be taken. I wanted him to walk in from work, kiss me like he’d been dying to do it all day, a kiss that would last until he’d know my cunt was wet, at which point he’d rip my clothes off, push me down on the bed and fuck me until he came deep inside me.
That was my fantasy for almost the entire time we were together. There were times when I dug deep and managed to discuss what it was that I felt I needed to encourage more sex between us and this was always my answer. I wanted more kissing, more passion and for him to take more control sexually. This was not seen as an actual fantasy by him, I felt like I’d asked for something very boring and there was definitely a sense that I was just being lazy and trying to get him to do all the work.
Edited to add: To be clear, I understand that often the bottom in a pairing often is required to less work, in terms of both planning and physical activity. Having spent the last three years planning about 95% of all scenes I was involved in, I get that, absolutely I do. What I am talking about though isn’t a BDSM scene. I am literally talking about fucking, not even a hint of light bondage to be found in this fantasy.
It doesn’t actually require a lot of effort to be on the receiving end of oral sex, having told someone that is what they’ll be doing. Or lying back and having someone ride your dick until you empty the contents of your balls right into their cunt. Both of which I would be freakin’ happy to do having been told that was what was required of me.
It’s been over six years since I split with my ex and in many ways, that is still my fantasy. As much as I fell down the rabbit hole of FemDom, that desire to be sexually submissive has never left me. When I’m super horny and aching with desire, my thoughts go to being manhandled into place and told what to do. I don’t want to discuss what position I want to fuck in, I just want to be thrown in place, or told where to go, or what to do.
With someone I am hot for and trust this gives them a wide range of possibilities in terms of what they can request from me and what they can get me to do. You’d think this realisation would make me a fun person to fuck, but I think unless you are with a partner who gets off on being able to do as they wish with you, it just doesn’t work out well at all. Don’t get me wrong I have experienced this kind of sex, but usually as one-off, and I suppose part of my fantasy is it being a more regular occurrence.
Edited to add: I understand that life gets in the way, we all have days where we aren’t feeling it and maybe I wouldn’t want this every time I walked through the door. Here’s the thing though, there’s a 99% chance that if someone saw fit to kiss me in the way I like to be kissed, my next action no matter how tired or stressed out I am is to sink to my knees to please them or stick my hand in their pants to give them a good time.
I am not saying you all have to be this way, or that for some women being greeted with a kiss that makes your toes curl would feeling too sexual as an initial greeting, but this is about me and my fantasy, and about the ways in which I know I respond to specific stimuli.
What I have realised though is that with the right person even the simplest of fantasies is sexy to them when you share it and it was through sharing kinky fantasies that I came to understand this. I also learnt that you didn’t have to share you fantasies as if you were scripting a porno, it is enough to keep it simple or share it in writing and when the person receiving it is genuinely open to exploring with you they will hear you and they will be excited to have heard what it is you’ve been thinking about.
Despite the ability I have to think up erotica, a lot of my fantasies are still very simple and the ones that are a bit more involved are actually quite difficult to make happen. Medical fantasies that involve abandoned asylums, someone being buried alive and bursting forth from the ground as my feet run past their shallow grave, neither of which are the easiest to arrange.
I am however pretty damn good at making other people’s fantasies come to fruition, even if they are on the more elaborate side. So finding folks who are happy to divulge their sexiest, dirtiest and most desired fantasies is a joyful thing for me. There is something wonderful about being able to help some experience something they have been eager to try.
Sometimes when I see fantasies being discussed it seems like the purpose of them is to push boundaries or venture into adventures unknown. I honestly think that some folks miss the beauty of a really simple fantasy that is easy to achieve but will absolutely push all the right buttons.
I have yet to find someone who truly grasps the concept of the fantasy I have to be sexually submissive. When you consider all the kinks I have dabbled in, it almost seems incredulous that the desire I have to be ravaged, taken and used as a spunk receptacle is the hardest to make happen. Part of the reason for that though is my expressing that fantasy isn’t enough, it needs to be something that excites them when they hear it, that they then do for themselves as much as for me. It is a fantasy that falls flat if the other person doesn’t have a desperate ache to ruin me with their dick (whether that dick is God-given or store-bought I am happy either way).
When I first joined the kink community that kind of dynamic was what I was looking for but in a sea of new words and new friends sexually submissive got tangled up with being submissive in a D/s sense and somewhere along the lines the actual focus of my fantasy got lost in translation. Then all the awesome FemDom happened and the sexual nature of my being just slipped further and further away from me, but now I have the words, the know-how and the desire to reclaim that part of myself.
This is the fantasy that unravels in my head while I masturbate, it is the driving force behind a lot of my erotica at the moment and it is absolutely the number one thing on my to-do list at the moment. I know one day I will find someone to explore it with who sees all the dirty potential in this fantasy that I do and that is a very exciting prospect indeed.
Edited to add: It is an exciting prospect because I know how to negotiate and express my needs. It is an exciting prospect because I know foreplay doesn’t just begin face to face. I know a ravaging would likely take place after a long day of texting, or even a few days when you don’t live together. It is an exciting prospect because for someone my fantasy will be their fantasy and our sexual interests will align and what I’m asking for won’t seem like an imposition, it will be a fucking pleasure and when I find that person trust me when I say they will be justly rewarded for the effort the put in to making my fantasy come true.