Yesterday I shared Choosing Lust Over Love for this week’s Food4Thought, and I’m happy with the direction I went in for that post. It was honest and it’s genuinely reflective of how I feel. Then I began reading all your posts and realised how wildly cynical I must seem. Even though I tried not to I think I shot love down in flames a little bit and I really didn’t mean to and so I wanted to share some more thoughts with you that have been niggling in my brain, which will probably make is glaringly obvious that I think about love far more than I perhaps care to admit.
One of the things I’ve been pondering this week is the small things, the little actions or words, that might pass between two people as they get to know each other, possibly unnoticed that actually signify that something is beginning to blossom within each of them. They make me think of the tells people have during poker, especially with regards to myself, I might try my best to say and convey one thing, those little things though, the ones that I do without thinking, they will give me away every time.
How well do we all pick up on these small signals though and how much should we rely upon them? Especially if the person we are engaging with has a different love language to us. What about in the early days when NRE (new relationship energy) is high? Can we trust those actions to be an indicator of what is to come, or are they simply offshoots of the awesome buzz we feel in those early stages of a relationship?
I know my tells, oh I know them well and when I notice them it’s nearly always with an accompaniment of ‘oh fuck’ because I know I’m doomed, or a word more poetic, positive and less dramatic than doomed! The truth is that love is complicated, even if it is wonderful and those moments where I realise I’m falling, are loaded with so many questions that I can’t just enjoy them and let them be.
Now I could tell you some of the things I know I do when I’m falling for someone, but all sorts of people read my blog and giving away my love tells feels like something I shouldn’t do. Besides I’m more concerned with other people’s tells, how on earth are we meant to know when someone is doing something because they’re hot for us, or because we make their heart butterflies flutter, not just their genital butterflies.
I am not good at this stuff folks and I am loose in the world again where my chances of having to figure this stuff out are now much higher than they were. What in God’s name are the actions other people make when they might be falling in love? I know all about love languages and I find them really useful, but how do you know if someone is using their love language or just being nice. For example, cooking someone dinner, that’s a nice thing people do for others all the time, when I do it, especially for someone I’m fucking, well, chances are I’m fonder of you than I might have mentioned. Okay, I might have just let one tell slip, but just one, that’s all you’re getting.
I’ve been in love three times, the first time I was young and everything that passed between us was an indicator of being happy to feel anything and everything that came our way. The second time my ex-husband new from the moment he saw me he was going to fall in love with me and it took him a week to say I love you, so I never really had to figure him out in actions because he just put himself out there. With Bakji, well neither of us dared to put our feelings out there for so long, that even once we both knew how we felt I was still a little bit guarded with my affections. In hindsight, I wish I’d been braver and more open earlier on with regards to how I felt.
I feel like moving forward in life I’d like some sort of happy medium, I don’t want to be declaring my love for anyone after a week, but I also don’t want to be desperately trying not to say it when I so obviously feel it. Which is why I suppose I’m currently hyper-focused on the actions that can give us some clues as to how another person feels.
What’s even stranger is I’m pretty good with these things when it comes to flirting. I’m not daft, I know when someone’s body language is telling me they’re into me and I can use that to my advantage when it comes to getting the sexy fuckery ball rolling, but once it’s potentially started to develop and the signals could mean something else, I’m totally lost.
I don’t even know if it’s normal to consider these things so deeply, or whether or not I’ve become accustomed to analysing things in a little too much depth. I always think I have a fairly good level of self-awareness, which works in my favour with regards to this blog, but then I get thoughts like this, which niggle and niggle until I have to write about them and I can’t help but wonder … is this self-awareness gone out of control? Do I really need to know what every look, touch, gesture or reason for contact is?
I’m thinking I probably don’t. I’m sure it’s possible to just enjoy the ride for a little bit before having to dig into the why’s and how’s of every single thing that occurs between myself and another person. I also don’t know when or why I developed this inclination. I know when I was spending time with Bakji in the early days, I was being told lots of different things by different people, trying to learn about and navigate through non-monogamy, whilst stepping off the relationship escalator for the first time and generally working my through a brand new style of relationship and perhaps all of those things combined made me more aware of how and why folks express themselves in these ways than I had done before.
I said in yesterday’s post love wasn’t the thing I was searching for in this next phase of life, and as askemefast said in my comments sometimes that’s when the best opportunities present themselves and I totally agree. Honestly though folks I’m convinced I’ll either miss it entirely or in my new and improved state of not thinking love is something to try and ignore, I might think it’s there when it’s not.
So, please tell me, folks, how on earth do people navigate this stuff? This is regular relationship information 101 and I think I might have skipped that lesson in life somewhere along the line. I have a feeling that someone might tell me this is all about communication, and well, no, just no, I need the secret code behind the actions of love.