[Life] Baring All & Getting Back to Basics


#TellMeAbout, Erotic Journal Challenge, Life, Relationships / Friday, November 8th, 2019

The current Tell Me About prompt of resets has been calling to me all week, and I’ve been telling myself it wouldn’t be right to hijack that prompt for the post I need to write. The truth is though it’s the notion of a reset that is giving me a viewpoint that makes it possible to begin writing about something that actually isn’t the easiest of things to discuss. So I’ve decided to go for it, and I hope I don’t veer too far away from Missy and Sweetgirl’s prompt and if I do I hope they will forgive me. 

When I read the information on this particular prompt my mind went in two directions, firstly resets within an existing dynamic, and the second the reset of a more personal nature that I am currently facing.

As you all know myself and Bakji don’t have a structured D/s dynamic, but when we engage in FemDom the element of D/s is definitely present. On more than one occasion life has gotten in the way and the dynamic would feel like it needed a bit of a reset. For me, this always meant going back to basics. I’d do away with planning anything too elaborate and my intention would always just be bondage and handjobs. Two things that we both enjoy, that would definitely result in something super hot, that seemed to bring our focus back to how much we enjoyed those moments and often this would serve as a reminder that we should be more mindful of making time for these things, even when it felt like energy was low or time was scarce. 

Recently I shared That’s My Kink – Not Being Kinky. I discussed how my kink libido was lower than I’d like it to be. Now in my comments on the blog and in feedback from outside of the comments section everyone quite rightly said a variation on the same thing … ‘these things come and go, it’s normal, it will return, try not to worry.’ Or words to that effect and in the grand scheme of things I agree, but lack of kink libido is a big deal for me and it’s absence for the past two months, and it’s drifting away from me before then, was cause for concern, for me.

Anyone who has read this blog or listened to my podcast may have noticed that my go-to mode of kink wasn’t of a bedroom bondage variety. I am more of a lifestyle kinkster, while my D/s dynamic might not be 24/7 my existence as a kinkster is. My friendship with Bakji began because we were both kinky. Had I not been kinky we would not have ended up in the relationship we did. I made friends through kinky events, all my hobbies revolve around being kinky. While I do have other interests, none of them have a social aspect to them and I have essentially relied on kink as a huge social tool for the last 5 years. 

I do totally understand that many folks will be preparing to say that Bakji and I would have found our way to each other with or without kink, let me stop you, Bakji is inherently kinky, it is woven into the fibres of his being. Just as I will always be queer, he will always be kinky. Kink versus sexuality is always an awkward comparison but in his case, I actually can see it as a valid way to explain what kind of kinkster he is. Which means an ongoing lack of kink libido is a cause for concern for me because it makes me face the very real possibility of my life having to change. 

The truth of the matter is though, I need a reset. I need a time out from kink. It is so far away from my mind that trying to process how I get back into it actually stresses me out and kicks my anxiety into action. The truth of the matter is this, right now, and for a little while now I just don’t have the inclination to get my kink on, at all and this has affected how I interact with Bakji and I’m not proud of the fact I left it too long to address how I was feeling. 

The day this post goes live will be my birthday. The plan was for myself and Bakji to have a weekend away. In my head from the moment I suggested it and in the planning of it I saw that weekend away as a reset. I thought some time off work, a little adventure and lots of time to indulge in kink would be the magic reset I and we needed to get our FemDom fun back on track. We are not going on that weekend away any more. We will still celebrate my birthday together, but there will be no kink. 

The weekend after Halloween, Bakji and I had a very difficult and possibly long-overdue conversation. As I said, I’m not proud of myself for not communicating well, but I was burying my head in the sand hoping my feelings would change. There were lots of tears, many tissues were used and I finally had to admit that kink just felt so far away from me that the idea of doing it just made me anxious. 

At the end of September for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t able to go to my all-time favourite kink event. Hosted by our wonderful friends, and filled with many more friends, it is an event I live for. It was a specific circumstance that meant I couldn’t go, but the truth is, I didn’t miss not being there. Did I miss the people? Of course, but I didn’t miss the kinky nature of the event. That night I did go out and it was very ‘vanilla’ by my usual standards, but I had a wonderful time and it really highlighted that my kink mojo was doing more than just taking a snooze. Not because I don’t think you can enjoy both kinky and non-kinky nights out, but because I wasn’t missing the action I’d usually be mortified at missing and if I’m being brutally honest I was grateful not to be getting my kink on.

I’ve veered away from the conversation Bakji and I had, so let’s get back to it. We talked a lot, I said sorry a lot, I felt bad a lot and by the end of it we’d come to the conclusion that it was perhaps time for us to start a new chapter in our friendship. The chapter of being friends who aren’t sexy friends, but just regular friends. I suppose in a regular relationship it would be a break-up, but we’re still texting most days and as I say still have plans to spend time together, so it’s is definitely more of a shift, than an ending. 

It doesn’t stop the situation being sad though. It is sad, but I honestly think it is for the best. Bakji’s plans aren’t mine to discuss, but I truly, honestly believe this could be the start of an amazing and awesome new adventure for him. He turns 35 in July the same age I am as of today and I think for both of us it will be an age we both embark on new beginnings. I am as excited for his adventures as I am my own. He deserves so many wonderful things to come his way, and I am honoured to have been one of those things, but I think there is more out there for him to discover. 

This is the reset I need in my life. I think I need to go back to being me on my own, focusing on new challenges and taking my sexual and kinks interests back to basics. I’m not for one minute declaring I have no kinky tendencies at all, of course, I do. I just can’t explore them with the same level of intensity and commitment that has been present for the last 5 years. Again I’m sure some folks will be baffled as to why I need to do this without Bakji. I’m sure many couples wouldn’t dream of parting, in any way, over something like this, we aren’t those couples though. Without kink, we’re lacking the main part of physical intimacy and neither of us signed up for a relationship like that. 

I’ve wondered how to explain this because I know we may seem like we’re throwing something away based on what to many people will be a small change, or simply something that could come back at any moment. I know myself though and know when something is waiting around the corner for me and when it isn’t and at this very moment in time, my kink libido is not on its way back any time soon and contemplating that it might be, instantly makes me feel under pressure to know when, or how soon, or in what way and that kind of pressure isn’t good for a relationship. The idea that I might fake being into it and then resent having done it is just not an option for us. 

An option we do have though is resetting the parameters of our friendship. Will it be easy? Probably not. Will there be moments where one of us, or both of us feel sad, angry or frustrated? Maybe. Does that mean we shouldn’t try? Absolutely not. Bakji has been my best friend for four and a half years. I’m not prepared to just not be friends with him. I am so damn grateful to have in my life and I hope this is just the beginning of a new adventure for us, even if it was one we didn’t truly expect to go on. 

I’m also very grateful to my blogging friends, a couple of which have already heard this all from me and they were truly lovely and totally supportive and neither of them did the one thing I’m dreading and that’s well-meaning folks trying to find a way to fix my situation. It is what it is, yes not the way I thought this year was going to end, but that’s okay, yes I’m sad, but I’m also happy with my lot and I am content to work through this next phase of my life, romantically on my own, but with a wealth of other kinds of love to support me. 

There is still a big emphasis in society on ‘love’. On love being enough to get us through the dark days or the rough patches. How if we love each other we will stand by each other no matter what. I don’t apologise for not holding this belief and I don’t apologise for wanting more from life than the love these views reference. Romantic love, partnered love and in many cases, it means monogamous love. I want more for myself than that, and I want more than that for Bakji too, and as an awesome friend, I can love him and support him in his journey of discovering what is next for him. 

As for what’s next for me? Who knows! My blog isn’t going anywhere, I know that much. I will, however, be adjusting my tagline because ‘Blogging and Podcasting about Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ isn’t really where I’m at right now. When I named the blog though, FlossDoesLife did exactly what it said on the tin, I always intended for this blog to be about my journey, so it’s easy enough to keep blogging regardless of where life takes me next. 

In summary, I think we all need resets, not just in D/s but sometimes in life and this is me embracing my reset and looking forward to new and exciting things. 

22 Replies to “[Life] Baring All & Getting Back to Basics”

  1. First of all Happy Birthday.

    Secondly, thank you for sharing this and linking to #TellMeAbout it is definitely the kind of post that is relevant and I wish you so much joy and luck as you start this new adventure.

  2. Usually a post like this would leave me feeling sad, sorry for the loss of something between you two, but it’s not like that, maybe that shows the difference in your own dynamic. I wish you both an exciting new adventure. On the kinky front I don’t think it really matters how kinky you need to be, if that means sticking with what you like or trying all the crazy new things so be it.

    Happy Birthday btw

  3. As I read this, I was reliving a similar event from my own past from the other perspective.

    In this case it was my mistress quitting D/s. We had a couple of bittersweet days away where we played for the last time and she explained as best she could at the time that there was no more D/s.

    It was pretty much as you describe. One facet of a relationship changing irrevocably. I never felt the slightest need to try to persuade her she was wrong. It never felt like a break-up so there was never any bitterness. Above all, I never once considered abandoning her as a friend.

    All these years later she is my best friend. I know her infinitely better than I did when she was my mistress. She will never engage in D/s again – despite still being a domme by nature.

    I know how odd it is to conceive how a relationship forged in kink can continue when kink is no longer a part of it. I wish you and Bakji well in navigating this. There is life after kink and it’s priceless to have special souls looking out for us.

    melody xx

  4. Personally I think sexual compatibility is important in a relationship and I was held back in this way by the father of my kids – so bravo for being brave. I understand why u are anxious regarding not feeling so kinky – but as u know there is so much to enjoy that is not kinky – I have meandered from one to the other in my life and I think the biggest hurdle is simply change. And you will get past that – be good to yourself…
    Have a wonderful day – I will be thinking of you xx hearts and flowers here xx
    May More recently posted…Faking it – the when, why and howMy Profile

  5. I suspect that most folk have really significant challenges within their closest relationships (know I do) but aren’t able to discuss them or articulate them in writing – probably both. Your searing honesty and clarity should mean you have a better chance than most of us to move forward really positively. I did want to start by saying I was really sorry to hear you were feeling sad on your birthday but thought that was a bit trite but it is true. Good luck!
    Mike

  6. My heart really goes out to both you and Bakji. It’s an odd thing coming to know people in such a relatively one-sided way, via a podcast and blog, but you feel like friends and so it feels all the more personal.

    Transition is such a hard thing to go through, but I’m sure you will both come out the other side as stronger individuals. I hope that you can find yourself again, whether it be kinky or otherwise. This community will be here for you whenever you need us.

  7. First Happy Birthday lovely!
    Second Bravo for acknowledging the changes you are going in through. You and Bakji get to experience something new and exciting. Yes he may be kinky through and through but like you said- that isn’t all there is. Listening to you both on your podcast you can feel the love and respect you have for one another. Your blog title says it all- You.. doing life, so kinky or not we will still be here to read and interact with you! ❤️

  8. Happy birthday Floss.

    Thank you for sharing the process you have gone through to come to this decision. Also it feels important that it is something you have talked through together. I always think that if something doesn’t feel right any more it probably isn’t. Ignore your feelings at your peril. I really hope that your relationship with Bakji can transition as you want and that you will be happy. Plus that you will continue to blog on whatever topic you choose xx

  9. I have experienced major changes in life and relationships – often around birthdays, whether coincidental or not – and having made choices about things that other people didn’t understand but that were RIGHT FOR ME, all I can say is, “I get it.”

    Whatever comes next will be remarkable, because it will be what YOU want and need at this juncture.

    Life is a journey. I wish you all the best as you come around this next bend in your road.

    xo

  10. Happy birthday, dear Floss!

    As for your post, we never know what life throws at us, and I deeply believe that there is a reason why things happen. Sometimes we only see that reason years later, but it seems that one thing always has to happen to prepare us for another on our life’s journey. You are a deeply insightful person, knowing what you need, knowing where you are in life, and I wish you well on your journey. Who knows what exciting things are waiting for you around the corner!

    Rebel xox

    1. Thank you Marie I am like you, I do believe that things tend happen with a purpose to them even if that is only revealed in time. Which does help, because I know I’m just taken the steps I need to for me to get to where I am needing to go x

  11. Happy birthday Floss; I hope you have a wonderful day.

    Firstly thank you for adding your post to Tell Me About and no, you definitely didn’t hijack it – having a variety of different voices and different perspectives on a prompt is always so refreshing and I enjoy reading your take on a variety of topics for that reason.

    I also struggle with feeling kinky. I think that I did when I was in a ‘vanilla’ relationship but since being in a D/s dynamic I feel that what we do is just what we do. A lot of the things had novelty value and that pretty much wore off for me in a number of areas. I don’t think you need to be kinky to be D/s though and I have come to the conclusion that being dominated is my kink. For me that is about the words and what they do and it centres around the erotic humiliation. As long as there is that, there can be no other kink. In that sense I did want to say what you didn’t want to hear, that maybe there is a way. But I also hear what you are saying about sexual compatibility. I get that there has to be balance (even if your balance is based on an imbalance) and if there is not then it is difficult. It sounds like you and Bakji have made the right decision for you and, although I have no experience of it, I do think I understand what you are saying about relationships which are poly having completely different characteristics, and therefore less limits, to them.

    I hope that you both are able to explore and grow in the ways that you want to and am pleased that this does not affect your friendship and won’t affect you blogging and sharing your thoughts, views and opinions on a variety of topics, kink or not.

    1. Thank you so much Missy, I really did Um and ah about linking up, but I’m pleased I decided too I think perhaps I am still actively kinky but perhaps in a similar way to how you describe, it’s just that those kinks have perhaps shifted so dramatically that I need a reset to embrace them. I will definitely still be blogging about all sort of sexy things and I suspect I’ll still find a way to have my say about kink as well c

  12. Floss – Happy Birthday!

    I admire you taking this big leap and know for sure there has been much soul searching before having ‘that’ conversation and taking this new path.

    This year! I suspect there’s something in the stars – so many big dramas / changes /negatives in the lives of my close friends and family. (I’m sure Violet could explain what’s causing it)

    Nothing will take the spark out of you Floss, you glow with honesty and enthusiasm. The title of your blog does NOT need to change – it’s still going to be about your life and where it’s taking you. I agree you may want to tweak your ‘strapline’ but I’m pretty sure your kink is going to resurface once it’s had a sabbatical!

    Enjoy your 35th year on this planet! xx

    1. Thank you so much Posy yes I too know lots of other people who are having big changes, so I’m definitely not alone! I think I definitely will enjoy this coming year, I am very excited for 2020 ☺️

  13. In one way I feel sad for you. In another I feel glad.
    Restarting because that was sounding far too poetic.
    Happy birthday Floss! I’m glad you plan on continuing with your blog. You often reach into my mind and push and prod it about. Will you continue the podcast or is that collaboration done?
    Moving on and changing status of relationships is never easy but I think we’ve all done it. I have people in my life now who were much more than friends at one time. Now we are good friends.
    Reading through the comments above, there are some ongoing themes. One is the fact that we all want to support you as you move forward. Another is the fact that kink ebbs and flows. I don’t think of what I do as kinky. It’s just me and my Queen. Many would say we are really kinky but it’s just us. I honestly believe that kink is decided on by observers—what would most of society say if they knew what we were doing? If they would say kink, then regardless of how I feel, I’m likely doing kink.
    But perhaps the most prevalent thought is the fact that you are loved by all of us. We wish you the best and look forward to sharing it with you as you move forward.

  14. Happy birthday Belatedly, but whole-heartedly. Part of me wants to say “I’m sorry” for the loss of the sexual side of your relationship, but in fact it is transition, not loss, and as you say, the two of you will remain good friends. It’s going to be an exciting time for you, it’s all about the journey to learning and exploring more of the aspects of you,your personality and your sexual/sensuality, and all those things that make you tick. So rather than giving commiserations, I offer congratulations and celebrations as you venture further into the world of Floss.Happy journeys

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