The current Tell Me About prompt of resets has been calling to me all week, and I’ve been telling myself it wouldn’t be right to hijack that prompt for the post I need to write. The truth is though it’s the notion of a reset that is giving me a viewpoint that makes it possible to begin writing about something that actually isn’t the easiest of things to discuss. So I’ve decided to go for it, and I hope I don’t veer too far away from Missy and Sweetgirl’s prompt and if I do I hope they will forgive me.
When I read the information on this particular prompt my mind went in two directions, firstly resets within an existing dynamic, and the second the reset of a more personal nature that I am currently facing.
As you all know myself and Bakji don’t have a structured D/s dynamic, but when we engage in FemDom the element of D/s is definitely present. On more than one occasion life has gotten in the way and the dynamic would feel like it needed a bit of a reset. For me, this always meant going back to basics. I’d do away with planning anything too elaborate and my intention would always just be bondage and handjobs. Two things that we both enjoy, that would definitely result in something super hot, that seemed to bring our focus back to how much we enjoyed those moments and often this would serve as a reminder that we should be more mindful of making time for these things, even when it felt like energy was low or time was scarce.
Recently I shared That’s My Kink – Not Being Kinky. I discussed how my kink libido was lower than I’d like it to be. Now in my comments on the blog and in feedback from outside of the comments section everyone quite rightly said a variation on the same thing … ‘these things come and go, it’s normal, it will return, try not to worry.’ Or words to that effect and in the grand scheme of things I agree, but lack of kink libido is a big deal for me and it’s absence for the past two months, and it’s drifting away from me before then, was cause for concern, for me.
Anyone who has read this blog or listened to my podcast may have noticed that my go-to mode of kink wasn’t of a bedroom bondage variety. I am more of a lifestyle kinkster, while my D/s dynamic might not be 24/7 my existence as a kinkster is. My friendship with Bakji began because we were both kinky. Had I not been kinky we would not have ended up in the relationship we did. I made friends through kinky events, all my hobbies revolve around being kinky. While I do have other interests, none of them have a social aspect to them and I have essentially relied on kink as a huge social tool for the last 5 years.
I do totally understand that many folks will be preparing to say that Bakji and I would have found our way to each other with or without kink, let me stop you, Bakji is inherently kinky, it is woven into the fibres of his being. Just as I will always be queer, he will always be kinky. Kink versus sexuality is always an awkward comparison but in his case, I actually can see it as a valid way to explain what kind of kinkster he is. Which means an ongoing lack of kink libido is a cause for concern for me because it makes me face the very real possibility of my life having to change.
The truth of the matter is though, I need a reset. I need a time out from kink. It is so far away from my mind that trying to process how I get back into it actually stresses me out and kicks my anxiety into action. The truth of the matter is this, right now, and for a little while now I just don’t have the inclination to get my kink on, at all and this has affected how I interact with Bakji and I’m not proud of the fact I left it too long to address how I was feeling.
The day this post goes live will be my birthday. The plan was for myself and Bakji to have a weekend away. In my head from the moment I suggested it and in the planning of it I saw that weekend away as a reset. I thought some time off work, a little adventure and lots of time to indulge in kink would be the magic reset I and we needed to get our FemDom fun back on track. We are not going on that weekend away any more. We will still celebrate my birthday together, but there will be no kink.
The weekend after Halloween, Bakji and I had a very difficult and possibly long-overdue conversation. As I said, I’m not proud of myself for not communicating well, but I was burying my head in the sand hoping my feelings would change. There were lots of tears, many tissues were used and I finally had to admit that kink just felt so far away from me that the idea of doing it just made me anxious.
At the end of September for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t able to go to my all-time favourite kink event. Hosted by our wonderful friends, and filled with many more friends, it is an event I live for. It was a specific circumstance that meant I couldn’t go, but the truth is, I didn’t miss not being there. Did I miss the people? Of course, but I didn’t miss the kinky nature of the event. That night I did go out and it was very ‘vanilla’ by my usual standards, but I had a wonderful time and it really highlighted that my kink mojo was doing more than just taking a snooze. Not because I don’t think you can enjoy both kinky and non-kinky nights out, but because I wasn’t missing the action I’d usually be mortified at missing and if I’m being brutally honest I was grateful not to be getting my kink on.
I’ve veered away from the conversation Bakji and I had, so let’s get back to it. We talked a lot, I said sorry a lot, I felt bad a lot and by the end of it we’d come to the conclusion that it was perhaps time for us to start a new chapter in our friendship. The chapter of being friends who aren’t sexy friends, but just regular friends. I suppose in a regular relationship it would be a break-up, but we’re still texting most days and as I say still have plans to spend time together, so it’s is definitely more of a shift, than an ending.
It doesn’t stop the situation being sad though. It is sad, but I honestly think it is for the best. Bakji’s plans aren’t mine to discuss, but I truly, honestly believe this could be the start of an amazing and awesome new adventure for him. He turns 35 in July the same age I am as of today and I think for both of us it will be an age we both embark on new beginnings. I am as excited for his adventures as I am my own. He deserves so many wonderful things to come his way, and I am honoured to have been one of those things, but I think there is more out there for him to discover.
This is the reset I need in my life. I think I need to go back to being me on my own, focusing on new challenges and taking my sexual and kinks interests back to basics. I’m not for one minute declaring I have no kinky tendencies at all, of course, I do. I just can’t explore them with the same level of intensity and commitment that has been present for the last 5 years. Again I’m sure some folks will be baffled as to why I need to do this without Bakji. I’m sure many couples wouldn’t dream of parting, in any way, over something like this, we aren’t those couples though. Without kink, we’re lacking the main part of physical intimacy and neither of us signed up for a relationship like that.
I’ve wondered how to explain this because I know we may seem like we’re throwing something away based on what to many people will be a small change, or simply something that could come back at any moment. I know myself though and know when something is waiting around the corner for me and when it isn’t and at this very moment in time, my kink libido is not on its way back any time soon and contemplating that it might be, instantly makes me feel under pressure to know when, or how soon, or in what way and that kind of pressure isn’t good for a relationship. The idea that I might fake being into it and then resent having done it is just not an option for us.
An option we do have though is resetting the parameters of our friendship. Will it be easy? Probably not. Will there be moments where one of us, or both of us feel sad, angry or frustrated? Maybe. Does that mean we shouldn’t try? Absolutely not. Bakji has been my best friend for four and a half years. I’m not prepared to just not be friends with him. I am so damn grateful to have in my life and I hope this is just the beginning of a new adventure for us, even if it was one we didn’t truly expect to go on.
I’m also very grateful to my blogging friends, a couple of which have already heard this all from me and they were truly lovely and totally supportive and neither of them did the one thing I’m dreading and that’s well-meaning folks trying to find a way to fix my situation. It is what it is, yes not the way I thought this year was going to end, but that’s okay, yes I’m sad, but I’m also happy with my lot and I am content to work through this next phase of my life, romantically on my own, but with a wealth of other kinds of love to support me.
There is still a big emphasis in society on ‘love’. On love being enough to get us through the dark days or the rough patches. How if we love each other we will stand by each other no matter what. I don’t apologise for not holding this belief and I don’t apologise for wanting more from life than the love these views reference. Romantic love, partnered love and in many cases, it means monogamous love. I want more for myself than that, and I want more than that for Bakji too, and as an awesome friend, I can love him and support him in his journey of discovering what is next for him.
As for what’s next for me? Who knows! My blog isn’t going anywhere, I know that much. I will, however, be adjusting my tagline because ‘Blogging and Podcasting about Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ isn’t really where I’m at right now. When I named the blog though, FlossDoesLife did exactly what it said on the tin, I always intended for this blog to be about my journey, so it’s easy enough to keep blogging regardless of where life takes me next.
In summary, I think we all need resets, not just in D/s but sometimes in life and this is me embracing my reset and looking forward to new and exciting things.