I was going to write a different post for this week’s Wicked Wednesday, life is crazy busy at the minute so I was going to combine my Food for Thought post about kissing, with this week’s WW prompt of kink, because kissing is definitely a kink of mine. Then I began reading Kill The Heretic by Melody and her first line reminded me I had another post to write.
‘Sometimes it’s hard to think that you’re doing anything different or what might be regarded as out of the ordinary.’Melody Insights
As I have written before many times on the blog I’m very open with both the muggle world and the kink world about my blog, podcast and how they discuss my deviant proclivities in all their glory. I warn people there is nudity and explicit content and if they choose to visit so be it, but they very rarely do. Which I’m okay with, blogs and podcasts aren’t for everyone and neither is my content, especially perhaps if that person considers themselves to be a non-kinkster.
It’s not that easy to form friendships as an adult and when I left my marriage I had to do just that, which is why I joined the kink community. That will be five years ago in April of 2020, in that time all the new friends I’ve made through kink events or blogging. Everyone is either kinky or open to it as a lifestyle even if they don’t indulge a lot themselves.
I often forget how safe this makes me feel. I live in a little bubble where on the whole I know that I am going to be accepted even when I might write about slightly less accepted kinks or ideas because, at the end of the day, my friends like me for me, and that includes my perverted and accepting mind.
Making new friends outside of the kink community is possible though and somewhere in amongst all the chaos of my life, I have managed to do that. Which is fabulous and in my usual manner I prattled on about kink, non-monogamy and a whole host of other stuff without really worrying too much about acceptance because I always find if someone doesn’t want to be friends with me because of those things then it’s not really the friendship for me.
It’s one thing offering someone bitesize nuggets of information and an entirely different thing for them to consume the content I produce both here and as part of ProudToBeKinky. Telling someone you do pretty rope bondage called Shibari is, for example, more palatable than confessing you also have a taste for humiliation and degradation.
Here though, on the blog, it’s all there. Every dark corner of my mind is here, even when something is labelled as erotica, there’s something in there that I’m either into or considering exploring. There is no hiding for me here, no pretending I’m something I’m not. If you read my blog and it makes you uncomfortable then the chance of us staying friends in real life is exceptionally slim.
Back to new friendships though. If folks ask me what I’m doing of an evening, chances are the answer is working on the blog. This is usually met with very little response or something about giving it a read. When as in this case it results in me sending my blog link over I am usually 99% certain not a single article will be read and 99.99% certain they won’t listen to a podcast episode as well. Turns out though, those teeny tiny percentages where folks might actually take a look can actually come to something!
Someone I had begun to consider a friend, who doesn’t identify as kinky came to read bits of my blog and listened to an episode of the podcast. I was flattered, touched that they took the time and then instantly terrified. Two words describe perfectly how I felt, exposed and vulnerable, it reminded me that not everyone lives a life where their kinks are accepted. I think it was good for me to remember how lucky I am to not have that worry hanging over me the majority of the time.
It might seem strange that in all this time, as someone who is open with everyone I meet about my interests that this is the first time in a long time I’ve worried about someone’s reaction. The truth is most of the time I’m pretty thick-skinned about this stuff and can take or leave people if they’re not inclined to like me. Turns out it’s not that simple when you actually want to be friends with someone.
To be clear the feedback I received from this person was really lovely and entirely positive, but I was still waiting for the shift to come where they backed away slightly. Now I know I’m always going on about communication here and probably more so on the podcast and perhaps I should have explained my worries, but the way kinky folks communicate doesn’t always appear to be the norm for non-kinksters, it can sometimes seem a little excessive I think, especially in terms of fledgeling friendships. Which meant I couldn’t bring myself to just come out and tell them I was feeling a little anxious in case they decided I was too weird to chat to.
So I waited, and I waited, for what was really not very long, but felt like an eternity and as it turns out all was well. Apparently I’m not viewed as someone they should steer clear of and I’ve since sent a link to Become the Beast when it came up in conversation and even erotica inspired by a cannibal didn’t change that, so props to this particular person for being super cool and incredibly accepting of someone who identifies in a slightly different way to them.
There were two things I took stock of during this experience. Firstly how damn lucky I am to be surrounded by people who support and encourage my explorations in kink. Wonderful open-minded and often similarly kinky beings who know what it is to have those kinds of desires within you.
The second thing though was not to write people off because they’re not kinky. We’ve discussed on the podcast before whether or not either of us would consider dating/being intimate with someone who wasn’t kinky. For Bakji who is inherently kinky and always has been, for him it’s a hard no and I totally understand why. I’ve always maintained I wasn’t sure, certainly I love many things that I’d be sad to miss out on as part of my sexy repertoire, but I also remember the many, many years I wasn’t kinky and how that was always enjoyable, even if not in the same way kink has been.
I think though my answer now would be yes. Yes if the situation were to arise I would indeed take a chance on someone who wasn’t kinky, but only if they were open-minded, willing to listen and accepting of my interests, even if they weren’t activities we would do together. While I don’t mind leaving my kink at the door on occasions I never want to have to pretend I’m something I’m not.
I am always open to learning new things, including things about myself and this little episode of life has taught me that sometimes even the most open-minded of us can close our hearts and minds to things without realising and I never want to do that, so here I am reminding myself to embrace all kinds of adventures, whether they’re kinky or not.