Who would I be and what would life be like if I had made different decisions along the way? It is impossible for me not to ponder these questions given some of the decisions I’ve made and some of the situations life has handed to me. Largely though I always come back to the same line of thinking; this is the life I am meant to be living, just as it is, and that potentially even with different circumstances this is still where I’d find myself.
May asked me how much I follow my gut instinct when making important decisions for my question over on the F4Thought prompt post and the honest truth is that I always know in my gut what decisions I want to make. Always. This means I often make hard decisions quickly and what seems like a hasty decision to others is me simply knowing that I need to follow my gut.
I do recognise when I’m at a junction in life, and I can see clearly the paths I can choose to take. It is rare though that I don’t know almost instantly which one I am going to take. I often pretend to do the back and forth of decisions making, sometimes for myself, sometimes for others, but 99% of the time I end up doing exactly what I knew I would.
This sometimes makes me one of those good people who do bad things. Which I’m not overly proud of, but I think it’s naive to think that everyone is either angel or devil and none of us fluctuates across the spectrum of good and evil. The truth is that I often see the ‘wrong choice’ or the devilish path as simply more fun and life is short and the desire for a good experience has in the past overridden my desire to be a wholesome human being.
There are three decisions in my life that I come back to when considering whether I made the right the right choice, two were definitely defining moments in my life and one sticks with me purely because it is the only real regret I have. It is the only time that I genuinely wish I had made a different decision. Which is saying something considering some of the decisions I’ve been faced with in life.
‘I focused so hard on what I wanted, I lost sight of what I deserved.’
I’m going to start with the regret because despite the sadness of the final decision I’ll talk about that situation did at least arise from love and a relationship I do not regret. My regret though, and the decisions I made with regards to a single person were made because I stopped loving myself and started punishing myself and I dearly regret what path that led me down.
When my marriage ended I became hyper-focused on experience all things kinky, it’s how I know that subfrenzy is most definitely a real phenomenon. I didn’t think about who I was doing things with, or why they were doing them with me, I just focused on the kink and that was a bad move.
I made so many poor decisions during this time frame. All of them selfish, some of them alarming and thank God none of them ended as badly as they could have done. I lied, I put myself in potentially dangerous situations and despite the fact I still enjoy making the odd ‘naughty’ decision here and there, I would never, ever make the kinds of bad decisions I did during the months I was caught up in subfrenzy.
I regret not only my actions, but the person I chose too and that is a feeling I hate. I’ve made out with and fucked a fair few people that in hindsight maybe weren’t the wisest of moves, but I actually don’t regret any of them, except this one person. While they also made very poor choices, I don’t know that they deserve to be my only real regret in life and while I can’t change how I feel, I do wish I had not got involved with them.
‘There are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but we have to learn, and people we can’t live without that we have to let go’
It’s been over 5 years now since my marriage ended and still, people ask me if I regret leaving my ex-husband. The truth is I don’t, but I do regret hurting him. I would have given anything to have lessened his hurt in the months that followed my decisions to leave him. It was heartbreaking, not least of all because I still loved him, I still do and always will, but not in the way that meant I could stay.
When I realised I was checked out of my marriage I knew I had to let go, it was scary because I didn’t know what that would mean for the future but holding on wouldn’t have been good for either of us. Looking at our lives now, I think we are both where we are meant to be, perhaps more so my ex-husband than myself. He has an amazing life now, one I don’t think we could have managed together and I feel unbelievably blessed that I am still part of that life he has built for himself.
I am so incredibly proud of him and I while I don’t think I handled every aspect of our break-up well, I do think I ultimately made the right decision. While we are a good fit in many ways, there are too many aspects where we didn’t encourage each other in the best of ways and I think eventually that would have had an adverse effect on us as people and on our relationship. As it stands we get to be amazing friends and I would rather that than lose him altogether.
‘No matter how much times passes, there will forever be a constant, unfillable void. There will always be this hollow place deep inside that throbs for the one who is gone.’
When my Mum passed away I thought I knew what it felt like to be truly broken, the quote above though isn’t how I feel in her absence. I didn’t know what it truly meant to have your heartbroken until my second pregnancy ended.
For those who weren’t able to or haven’t read My Kinky Roots, a brief summary is that my second pregnancy ended with a Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR) because my baby was diagnosed with a Patau’s Syndrome. There is more evidence to suggest my baby would have died during pregnancy, or painfully after birth than there is to suggest he would have lived.
Rationally I know I made the right choice when I ended my pregnancy. I had more people to consider than just myself and seeing that pregnancy continue would have been traumatic to both my ex-husband and my little boy. Who would have been big enough to see things happening, including tears and sadness, but too little to understand them in any context.
There is a place inside me that wished I’d kept him though, just for a little longer. That I’d let nature decide for me rather than having made that decision myself. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel his existence inside me. He would have turned six this month and he is my most intense ‘what if’ in my life. Every other maybe, or road not travelled is meaningless alongside what it would have meant to my life if I’d been able to bring him home.
There is no single moment in my life that has changed my path as much as saying goodbye to my baby. I truly believe that it is the most pivotal thing to have happened to me. There is only one thing in this world that could happen that I think would hurt worse than this loss and it is too awful to even type out, but as a mother blessed with a very lively seven-year-old I’m sure you can guess what that would be.
‘Eventually, you’ll end up where you need to be, with who you’re meant to be with and doing what you should be doing.’
I feel like the last year has been one of many diverging paths for me, some I knowingly chose, some I think I began travelling without realising my footing had changed. I don’t actually know what 2020 holds for me. For the first time in a long time, my muggle life has begun to take precedence over my kink and blogging life. It may be that I take a step back from that, or it may be that the fruits of my labour pay off in ways that see me stepping away from being Floss on a more full-time basis.
This time last year I was looking to make blogging my job, I wanted to find a way to make a living from writing because no other paid work had ever made me happy or fulfilled. When some else made a decision to hire me I began a job that I never imagined I would do, and definitely never imagined I’d love.
The next few months will see many other people making decisions that will affect me, they will choose their own paths and this, in turn, will see me having to decide which roads I take myself. I honestly at this point am too far away from the final decisions to know what will be decided, I do believe though that whatever happens, I will end up where I am meant to be, doing what I should be doing, with the people that I am meant to be with and that fills me positivity, excitement and the thrill of adventures unknown.