Someone else’s flesh to borrow
Sling it from your bed tomorrow
Young Savage by Ultravox
I started writing this post differently, then realised I was three paragraphs in and I was being so safety conscious that I was sucking all the fun out of writing about one of my favourite kinks. Breathplay is dangerous, I know this, I understand this and after doing my research I still engage in it with consenting people. I’m not advocating it as a kink for all to enjoy, but if you do choose to engage in it please do so responsibly.
I’ve made my disclaimer above, so I’m going to allow myself from this point onwards to indulge in my thoughts on breathplay without talking about consent and safety in every other sentence. Please assume for the duration of this post that everything I do is done so with as much risk awareness as I can possibly gather because this is the truth.
As a Top, I like power, control and mind fuckery. Breathplay is a bit like kinky catnip for me, especially when it comes to those three kinks because it enhances them all beautifully. The power I have over Bakji when I am quite literally controlling whether or not he gets to breathe is pretty immense. I mean, it’s breathing, it’s a live or die function every second of our life, we keep breathing we keep living, we stop breathing, we stop living.
When we talk about breathplay it’s easy to focus on why it’s pleasurable for the bottom. Physiologically the things that happen to our bodies when they are briefly deprived of oxygen and subsequently allowed access to it again when combined with sexual activity makes for incredibly arousing sensations for many people. In the time I’ve been on the kink scene this has always been the go-to response for why people engage in breathplay.
What about the Top though? The same mechanics do not apply to us physically when we apply breathplay, so what do we get out of it? I can’t and will not claim to speak for every Top out there, but I also won’t lie and pretend this is something I do just because it gets Bakji off. Although it’s true his responses to breathplay are fucking out of this world arousing.
The truth is I like breathplay because it turns me on to control Bakji’s body and controlling the amount of oxygen he can and cannot have is a fairly extreme level of control. I love the fact that when I curl my fingers around his neck he nearly always lets out a soft moan, his eyelids flutter as if they instantly want to close and his body language shifts ever so slightly in a way that makes my cunt roar with FemDom energy.
The lyrics at the top of the page are from Young Savage by Ultravox and I chose those particular words to accompany this post because ‘someone else’s flesh to borrow’ is exactly what it feels like engaging in kink like breathplay. Bakji is no longer his, he is Mine. Whatever autonomy he has is freakin’ minimal when I’m burrowed into his brain and deciding whether he gets to move, speak, come and breathe.
We do breathplay for seconds at a time, but those seconds feel like eternities, probably more so for Bakji than for me. Seconds where he is quite literally at my mercy. At that is where the joy of fucking with his mind comes in. Yes, he has a safeword and yes in some instances he could physically overpower me if he wanted to. It is rather fun though to pretend those things aren’t true. To just for one fleeting second, play with the ‘what ifs’.
Bakji knows that he is safe with me. That his continued existence is part of my happiness. That breaking my toys so I can’t play with them anymore is not my style. This means that when I whisper the ‘what if’ into his ear they are a tool, they are a weapon, they fuel his arousing and make him admit that even if I didn’t let him breathe he still come for me. Now we all know it’s just a game, but to hear those words is incredibly arousing. Also, what is more of a mindfuck than feeling that even just for a second that you’d rather have an orgasm than another breath?
We’ve done breathplay in all kinds of ways. I’ve used my hands, my feet, my thighs, belts, rope, my bum and my boobs. That last one is quite an achievement for a small boobed lady, so it shows my commitment to the cause. Despite the header image of this post, I don’t do gas masks. Bakji is welcome to wear one, now, but that is something that has changed over time. Wearing them though removes all the fun of breathplay for me. It’s just a little bit terrifying, a lot claustrophobic and a lot less intimate than I like my breathplay to be.
As a bottom, I love breathplay just as much, and I like it for reasons that again have very little to do with the physiological side of things. When Bakji and I began playing with breathplay he was the Top and he did it most often in two ways, covering my mouth and my nose with one of his hands or very cautiously with rope. Hands were hot, rope was way hotter.
The reason breathplay with rope is sexier and more arousing for me is that it’s dangerous and it makes me think of how incredibly vulnerable I am in that moment. Already the physically weaker of us both, I am then tied up, unable to escape with only my safeword and a whole lot of trust to get me out of trouble. When rope around the neck is added into the mix my brain instantly muses on the fact that at that moment not only my safety but my life is in Bakji’s hands, and it could be the moment I find out he’s a bad, bad man (FYI he 100% is not) or it could be the moment I come really hard from imagining he’s a bad, bad man (it’s always, always this option).
These are probably quite dark thoughts and they don’t exist because I hope for the fatal option. They exist because my brain is able to get aroused by weird stuff within the safe space that Bakji and I have created for each other. We don’t even get off on breathplay for the same reasons, yet it still works as a shared kink. I used to call the rope Bakji used for breathplay his serial killer rope and even thinking about it in that way is arousing for me. I don’t for one second though think that terminology ever entered his head whilst he was using it.
There are plenty of kinks I’d take a chance on doing with many people. Both as a Top and a bottom. Breathplay is not one of those kinks. Currently, the only person I would do this with is Bakji. The depth of knowledge about each other is a huge part of why I think this works well for us and the levels of trust we have built up are imperative to it working as well.
I know for certain that some folks will read this post and think we’re reckless or playing with things that should not be on the list of activities kinky folk should be doing. I 100% respect this opinion and actually I think breathplay is something very few people should engage in. I’m not saying that to be elitist, I’m saying it because I think that when it comes to edge play and kinks that carry exceptional risks, the only people who should be doing them are the people who have thought long and hard about them and put the effort into doing them as safely as possible.
We have a lot of acronyms in the BDSM community and three that refer to safety in play are SSC, RACK and PRICK. For more information on them check out Safety in BDSM: Understanding SSC, RACK and PRICK by Kayla Lords. The first one I ever came across was SSC (safe, sane and consensual). I quickly realised a lot of my kinks were not inherently safe and felt far more comfortable with the RACK (risk-ware, consensual kink) approach to playing. PRICK (personal responsibility, informed, consensual kink) also applies to much of what I engage in too.
With breathplay, I don’t think it’s enough to know that it is risky, you need to know why it’s risky. What potential damage could you do; and do you understand how irreversible those damages could be? I would never engage in breathplay with someone who knew none of the risks, who couldn’t as a top or a bottom tell me they understand the enormity of the activity.
When they do understand the risks, as Bakji does, and they do consent, as Bakji does and they melt just from the mere threat of breathlessness, as Bakji does then my body and mind get so fucking hot for them and I’m maybe I’m not classed as young in all circles these days, but perhaps this kink does make me feel a bit like a savage but I think perhaps that’s a post for another day.