I am into a whole range of kink and sexual activities, with at times a range of interesting and sexy people. All these activities rely on one thing to make them sexy … consent. Nothing I enjoy in terms of kink or sexual pleasure would be any fun without consent. So while it may seem flippant to add consent into the mix of That’s My Kink posts, in reality, it’s the most important desire I have and without it, there is no foundation for fun.
When I first joined the kink scene my knowledge of consent was poor. Obviously I knew about it, but honestly, looking back there were lots of times where consent was handled poorly or kind of discarded as a mood killer.
I remember the first guy I had sex with, who I met after 3 years of being sexually active with women and having no experience with guys at all. Now I’ll be totally honest I wanted to fuck him, or more accurately I wanted him to fuck me and that happened with consent and all was well. The next morning however he decided it was blowjob time, his words to the best of my memory went something like ‘it’s time for you to give me a blowjob’ and my response sounded something like ‘actually I don’t really want to do that just yet’ his reply to which was ‘no woman of mine won’t give blowjobs’!
We’d fucked once, I was woefully inexperienced with guys and he was shitty with me that I wouldn’t put his dick in my mouth. Even now, nearly 16 years later I am really not that eager to give blowjobs to dicks attached to guys I don’t know or trust. I also didn’t like the whole ‘no woman of mine’ thing. I despise being spoken to like I am something to be owned and dictated to.
Perhaps regretfully I didn’t actually end it with him there, we fucked around for a month or two before he got deported and thank goodness he did because it left the door wide open for me to meet my ex-husband. Of which I am very grateful for.
Looking back on my first experiences of sex I realise there was no explicit consent involved at all. Don’t get me wrong, there were no acts that happened after consent was denied, but the consent was just sort of implied or taken as a given and I think that’s how most of the world works outside of communities like ours.
I must admit though I love having a better working knowledge of consent. I feel so much better knowing that I can just be upfront with someone about my desires and intentions. A little while back a friend consented to do rope with me and she is so freakin’ sexy and I knew 100% that once she was in my ropes I’d want to fuck her, so I said so, before we even started the rope, with plenty of time for her to back out. She consented to the sexy fun as well as the rope fun and a great time was had.
Being comfortable with consent also makes me feel a whole lot better about saying no if I need to or want to. It also makes me fairly brutal if someone persists after my first no, or if they get shitty with me because I’ve said no. In the last post I wrote on consent I used a quote for my header image that reads … ‘No is a complete sentence. It does not require justification or explanation.’ With friends, I will gladly offer an explanation, because often I’d like them to ask again in the future, or perhaps I’d like to approach them to play at another time. With total strangers though, or someone I’ve been chatting to briefly I don’t expect to have to say more than ‘no thank you’.
If I do have to say more than no when consent is sought, that person essentially ensures I will never play with them in the future or even want to be friends with them. Whereas someone who respects my no and continues to engage with me to get to know me better actually might stand a chance of me wanting to say yes one day once we know each other better. This is especially true of my interactions with men because I just don’t feel comfortable playing with men I’ve just met.
I know some folks will say consent isn’t sexy, but I think that means they’re just lacking imagination or asking for consent in the least sexiest way possible. If I’m making out with someone, which I do frequently because kissing is crazy hot (tell me what you think about this in next week’s Food for Through prompt because spoiler alert the prompt is kissing) and they say to me ‘oh my god, you’re so sexy I want to fuck you’ and I say ‘oh my god, yes please’. That’s consent.
I don’t need a formal ‘excuse me, madam, may I have your consent to place my fingers inside you genitalia for the explicit purposes of seeking sexual pleasure with you?’ I just need something that signals the intentions of the person I am with so I can confirm my desire to continue in the same manner. Occasionally does this mean throwing in a few comments about ‘but not anal’ or ‘yes to spanking but no penetration today’, it absolutely does, but those things are a lot easier to express once communication lines are open and before people are too caught up in the moment.
Another reason I find consent hella sexy is enthusiasm. I want every single person I’m intimate with to be totally up for getting it on with me. Consent helps me know they want me. I don’t want to be that ‘oh shit what did I do’ moment the morning after for someone. I want to be the ‘fuck yeah I got it on with her’ kind of memory. Knowing someone enthusiastically wants to fuck or kink it up with me makes me being that second person a lot more likely. Likewise, I want anyone I’m intimate with to know I am 100% hot for them.
With Bakji, and actually with a handful of my friends, things are a little bit different. In terms of my dynamic with Bakji there is a lot of implied and general consent. There is a whole range of things he could do to me without asking that I would gladly welcome. With friends I’ve played with on a frequent basis, I’d also be comfortable with them doing many numbers of things without asking first. These are people I trust though and that makes all the difference. It’s not only trusting them to know what actions are on the approved consent list, but also trusting them to stop if I ask them too.
Despite the fact that I think consent should be important to everyone, I think the most important thing is to know what consent needs to look like for you and being able to communicate about consent is something I think everyone can benefit from. This isn’t my first post on consent, so if you’d like some further thoughts on this topic check out What Does Consent Mean To Me?