I don’t want anybody else
When I think about you, I touch myself
It’s catch-up month over at Brigit’s Erotic Journal Challenge and as I cast my eye over the list there was one week that definitely caught my eye and to be honest I couldn’t remember if I’d written for it or not. Turns out I did, I wrote Confessions of a Non-Monogamist. I’m still going to revisit the topic the though because I have a totally new confession for you all.
My confession is this; my cunt has a mind of its own.
I’ve always had a bit of a complex dynamic with my own genitals. They’ve never really performed and responded in the way I’d like and while I never let that get me down, I did often wonder what I was missing out on in terms of sexual pleasure. Especially in terms of experiencing orgasms, which I didn’t get to do until I was in my late twenties.
When you look at advice regarding orgasms as someone who doesn’t have them the advice is always the same; relax, set the scene, explore your body, try different things, don’t put pressure on yourself, try porn, try sexy stories, use your fingers, use toys. It’s an endless variation of the same ideas. None of those worked for me and when I finally started having orgasms I would have loved to have shared with other people what the trick was, but the truth is I’m not entirely certain.
I often say it was kink that finally got me there. The discovery of new things giving me the stimulation I needed but hadn’t previously been getting. That said, my orgasms also arrived post-pregnancy, so perhaps my body went through changes that were beneficial for my sexual pleasure. Perhaps it was the two combined, who knows, perhaps it was neither. It’s not something I dwell on a lot, but it is certainly an aspect of myself I am curious about.
What I do know though is that I can’t rely on any single method to get me off, what works one week may not work the next and then out of nowhere something else will get me going and I usually just go with it because I’ll indulge any new kink if means I get some pleasure out of it.
Recently the topic for Food for Thought was ‘rituals’ and we all shared a wide variety of posts regarding the rituals we have in our lives. One particular post is very relevant to my life with my wayward cunt and that is The Masturbation Ritual by bluesubmission. I read her post with absolute fascination. I have never had that kind of relationship with my own body and I’ve never been able to fully immerse myself in erotica or porn enough to feel like it was anything more than a bit of an arousal boost.
Blue’s post really stuck with me though and one night, after work I found myself on Literotica. I’ll just see, I thought myself, maybe something will catch my eye. Now, something did catch my eye, well a few things did actually, none of them were my kinks and quite a few of them dealt with taboo topics. There I was though lying in bed, reading dirty stories and I felt compelled to touch myself.
Here’s the thing though, I very rarely masturbate with my fingers. I have always found ti to be terribly dull and orgasm-inducing at all. Lately though and not just on this occasion my fingers have found their way into the action and it has been good. This is unchartered territory and as such, I rather lost myself to the moment. I found myself masturbating along to the story I was reading and once I got to the end I grabbed my Doxy for some extra oomph and again found my mind wandering and I even got a little chatty, using my words to encourage my arousal along even further.
Afterwards, I had a genuine moment of ‘what the fuck was that’. A little bit like the feeling when you fuck someone new and unexpected. Maybe someone you’ve always seen as a platonic friend, then out of nowhere you have mind-blowing sex together and wonder why you haven’t always been doing that. I was my own unexpected fuck!
My brain and my body are in theory part of the same organism, but I am almost certain my cunt is living a life of its own and all I can do is try and keep an eye out for what it gets excited about and facilitate the pleasure that can be gained from it.
It is this knowledge I think that keeps me fairly open-minded about kink and the fluid nature of sexuality. There is no point in me saying ‘I’d never do that’ or ‘I’m never attracted to xyz kind of person’ because I know I could wake up tomorrow and be into all the things with all the people and I’m too much of hedonist to let previous inclinations be any kind of hindrance to present or future pleasure.
As a sex blogger (still not sure how I became one of them) I always feel a bit bummed out that I don’t enjoy masturbation more. I want to be as passionate about self-love as I am about kink and shagging the sexy people but it’s just so ‘meh’ most of the time. Which makes these bursts of ‘Woah, that was fun self fuckery’ absolutely delightful. They also fill me with optimism for future solo merriment.
As for what I think about when I touch myself, well that is potentially a whole other post. Apparently at this moment in time though it’s only arousing for my genitals if it’s dirty, super-naughty and potentially crossing at least one line of acceptable behaviour.
I’ve thought a lot about breaking rules whilst masturbating lately; people I shouldn’t, places I shouldn’t, people I shouldn’t in places I shouldn’t! I’ve lost myself in thoughts of sexual debauchery as opposed to kink. It feels as though I’m having some sort of sexual awakening. My mind lingers often on thoughts where I am unleashed as a sexual being, stripped bare, wanton and useful.
Will my thoughts I’m using for wank fodder become more than that, who knows. But one thing is for sure, for at least one person reading this post the lyrics for the accompanying song are very much how I feel about them and I guarantee they are one of the things I think about when I touch myself.
I close my eyes and see you before me
Think I would die if you were to ignore me
A fool could see just how much I adore you
I’d get down on my knees, I’d do anything for you
Words in italics from I Touch Myself by Divinyls.
Side note: I’ve been listening to so many songs as potential inspiration for this months September Song Project being hosted by Mrs Fever. I knew that this song belonged with this post, and I love the original, but oh my do I enjoy the cover I’ve linked to. It is well worth a listen. Interesting fact for those who take the time to watch the video, the chap on guitar co-wrote the original song alongside a few others including the guy who produced this video who was also a member of the Divinyls.