[Life] Finding Joy with Kinky Friends


#TellMeAbout, BlogDaysOfSummer, Community, Kink / Thursday, August 29th, 2019

I’ve always made friends through the standard channels, school, work, friends of friends and so on. I’ve always had some friends. Some better than others perhaps, but friendships were always a lot more hard work than I could understand and I never really spent too much time cultivating best friends or worrying why I wasn’t someone’s favourite friend. 

Then when I parted ways with my ex I was suddenly in a position where I had very few friends that weren’t his friends first, and most of those were guys who I didn’t particularly feel close enough to do solo activities with. Of the few friends I had that were ‘mine’, as it were, very few understood my decision to leave my marriage and many seemed to drift away as I rebuilt my life. 

It is worth noting that I probably wasn’t the easiest friend to have in the muggle world. I was going through a lot and I’m not great at opening up to people. I suspect I distanced myself in many ways and probably seemed fairly uninterested myself. A lot of friendships have been lost that way, and I don’t really think anyone is to blame, except perhaps a lack of compatibility in terms of what different people look for in a friend. 

When I realised I needed a new life, including new friends, I thought it would be a good time to mix my new found interest in kink with the search for new friendships. Which is how I found myself, after a few false starts, and a lot of stalling, at a local kink event. 

As luck would have it, I met people that day that welcomed me into a pre-existing friendship group and I began to meet lots of awesome people. Some like me were new to kink, others had been into BDSM for a long time. I began learning about things like fetish checklists, shibari, a variety of BDSM dynamics and much more. 

I was a fledgeling kinkster suddenly being invited to parties and forging new connections and it was incredibly exciting and for the first time in my life I actually found myself wanting to solidify friendships, and I also began taking chances on friends in ways I hadn’t before. 

This was all a little over four years ago now, and it’s a little sad, but also joyful, that the only person I still see regularly from that initial group of people is Bakji. He and I forged a friendship that has bloomed into many, many things and I am always delighted to find him by my side as time goes by. When I reflect on why we no longer see many of those other people though I am reminded that sometimes we put our faith in the wrong people. 

I invested time and emotions into people who turned out not to be what I thought they were. Or more precisely it turned out they’d shown me who they were and I’d hoped it was a mask; bravado, ego, embellishment, hype. Then when I realised I’d misjudged things, I began to see how my friendship had perhaps been misused, and I was able to see how there were moments where had I been a different person I could have been negatively impacted by those people I considered to be my friends.

Which perhaps doesn’t paint kinky friends in the best light. Though all that though I had Bakji and he is the most amazing friend ever. Yes, we have a bit more going on than just platonic friendship, but the foundations of everything we have are built on us seeing our adventure together as an amazing friendship. To have someone like that through the kink community is fantastic. 

Together we realised that we both wanted the same thing, handjobs. No, sorry, that’s a different blog post! Friends, we both wanted more kinky friends. With that in mind, we embarked on many excursions to London, which was no small effort I can tell you. We live anywhere between two and a half and three and a half hours away from London. That’s if the traffic keeps moving. We would arrive at events for the start time, so anywhere from 8pm to 10pm, party, socialise and play until 2am-4am and then drive back home. 

We did this for about a year. We still do this but with a slight variation. We get to London anywhere from 1pm to 6pm, chill with awesome people before getting ready for the event. Party, socialise and play until we’re knackered and then make our way back to the home of the kind and beautiful soul that is letting us share their abode for the night. 

That’s right we found friends. Amazing, wonderful, kinky, generous, sexy friends. That doesn’t mean applications are closed. New friends are always welcome aboard the Bakji and Floss friendship train, but goddamn do we love the friends we have. 

Finding good friends, who are genuinely decent people, has renewed my faith in reaching out into the scene to meet new friends. These are people who I not only love to see for kinky events but also love to see to eat, chill out and just spend time with because that in itself feels good and nourishing for my soul, and I hope they feel the same way too. So while we may not find our people the first time around, that doesn’t mean we should give up completely. 

I feel like that journey in itself could be the end of the blog post, but I think it would be remiss of me to talk about kinky friends without addressing the blogging and Twitter communities I find myself part of. 

I haven’t had the privilege of meeting anywhere near enough of you yet. Those of you I have met in real life have been a delight though. The connections and joys I feel from knowing blogging folks though is not lessened by the lack of real-life interactions. I genuinely enjoy checking in on Twitter, or blogs to see how people are getting on. Absences are noted and I do sometimes worry for folk who’ve not been about. Especially those I converse with behind the scenes a little bit. 

There are bloggers with whom I feel I have a genuine affinity with and I do consider many of those online connections friendships, and I hope to nurture them well into the future as well as creating more along the way. That was in fact my hope for last years Eroticon, but as folks who read Eroticon: Inspiration and Tears, Aspirations and Fears will know my brain decided to be a bit of a bastard instead. 

However, onwards and upwards, that wasn’t the only Eroticon, as it happens we have another one coming up in March 2020. I will be at next year’s Eroticon for definite. How can I be so sure? If you want to know you should check this out! I am so excited for another chance to befriend lots of fellow bloggers and say hello to faces I recognise from this year. 

Friends who have a connection either to kink, non-monogamy, the LGBTQ+ community or are just generally awesome sex-positive people are really important to me. I patience for hiding parts of myself any more, not to say that I don’t understand the how’s and the why’s of people doing that, I absolutely do, but for my personal life and well-being, I need friends who I can just be myself with. And being myself often means groping boobs (with consent) and talking about dominating Bakji’s bum! 

I don’t think I really understood and appreciated how amazing friendship can truly be until I started being friends with people who were like-minded and now I’m an absolute convert to the joys of friendship, so watch out, I might be looking to add you to the list of people I count as friends. 

6 Replies to “[Life] Finding Joy with Kinky Friends”

  1. Isn’t it just wonderful to find true friends and to feel totally at ease with them. We have found them too, and I love spending time with them! Also, yes to next year’s Eroticon. We will be there for sure 😉

    Rebel xox

  2. In some ways I am sorry that I am not part of a local kink community but it isn’t something we are able to do right now. I enjoyed finding out about how that worked for you though and perhaps one day it will happen. I have enjoyed meeting people I have got to know through blogging and online though, and like you, am really thankful for the opportunity that Eroticon brings.

  3. I absolutely love this post, Floss! You are so straight forward in who you are, both in your writing and on your podcast. I hated we didn’t get much time to really talk at Eroticon. Since I had been listening to your and Bakji’s podcast, I was feeling a bit fangirl on you two! Ha!
    Seriously though, I have been very much like you when it comes to finding those friends you can really connect to. When you find those that understand you and have the same (or at least similar) way of thinking, it is amazing! xx
    Kurvy recently posted…My Words To Live By – Right NowMy Profile

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