When I shared Eating Souls & Getting Fucked I’d finally reached a point where I’d given up on trying to coax out my subby side and was instead happy to just let my FemDom flag fly for as long as that was my primary interest. This weekend though my subby side, let’s call her floss-with a little f, came out to play.
What is most interesting about this is that I headed out to play well and truly ready to whip bums, bite, cause infinite orgasms and generally indulge in lots of FemDom debauchery. Some of which did happen. Bakji was tied, teased and forced to spunk for my amusement, which was absolutely delightful. Prior to that though floss-with a little f had made arrangements with a friend to go and find him later for some spanking fun.
Which means that after my FemDom fun I made sure Bakji was all good, then trotted off to find the source of my bum whipping. Now lately trying to bottom, has been painfully frustrating, hence why I decided just to leave it be. With the pressure off though I think floss-with a little f felt more able to just be, rather than having to do and perform and as if by magic it happened with absolute ease.
I have played with this friend before and feel strangely compelled by his shows of Dominance. Like Bakji and I, many of our friends have a chilled and casual approach to kink, so this isn’t a friend who is always in Domly Dom mode or someone who makes big shows of being in charge. He’s just a friend who has the ability with a look, word or well-chosen movement to make floss-with a little f fall into line.
This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is retreat, and it isn’t a stretch, to say that bottoming for my friend was a little bit like a retreat for me. In more than one meaning of the word. FemDom is stepping up to the plate, and but for subbing I need to take a step back and in many ways admit defeat. Which is a definition that may not sit well with everyone, but I mean it in terms of my own submission, not anyone else’s.
I can often feel a certain level of defiance surging through me when it comes to bottoming, the times I feel that slip away are when someone finds the tone, words or actions that say to floss-with a little f ‘you’re beaten, I win, do as you’re fucking told’. They can be small, simple things that trigger this, and the key to them working is the underlying feeling that the person involved isn’t fucking about and I need to behave or face the consequences. The tricky part of this being that a good chunk of time someone trying this will have FemDom Floss roaring with laughter as she takes centre stage. My combined facets are not willing to hand over floss-with a little f to just anybody.
In terms of being immersed in the play, and being present with the act of submitting, that’s where the notion of a retreat being a quiet and secluded place come into things. I had forgotten how peaceful it is to just let go. My FemDom headspace does allow me to retreat from the world but it’s more like visiting the bright lights of Las Vegas, and submitting is more like a quiet cottage in the country.
One of the things I think I’ve known for a little while now if that floss-with a little f enjoys play with intensity and things that are somewhat rougher. Not just rough play, but rough words and rough tones. Physical restraints have trickled off my list of interest as a bottom, the thrill of staying because I’m told to though is something that I very much enjoy.
There was a moment when I couldn’t tell if play was over, I was caught between thinking I had my free will back and yet still not wanting to make any movements I hadn’t explicitly been told make. It made me feel giggly, awkward and totally mindfucked. It also shone a light on my desire to behave and shame burned inside me for a moment as another part of me sneered at my need to be a good girl. It was the kind of shame that made me wet though, as I squirmed and giggled in the chair I’d been told to sit in.
There were moments though when the instructions were crystal clear. Towards the end of our play, I found myself on my knees waiting for my friend to return from gathering some things together. Another friend who had been watching us play came over and asked if I had to stay where I was. I answered that I believed that was the case. They asked what our friend I’d been playing with had said to make me think this and my reply was short and sweet … ‘stay’.
One single, simple word, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt I wasn’t moving until he returned. When he did appear he stood about six feet away from me and simply pointed his feet and I moved to his side. I essentially acted like a well-trained dog and my only doubt of that small section of our play was whether or not I was meant to go to him on two feet or on all fours!
In those moments though doing as I was told was the easiest and most obvious thing in the world to do. I didn’t have to think about why I was doing things, I was doing them because I had been told to and the simplicity of that was a beautiful thing to be part of again.
I had many reactions as we played. There was pain to process, arousal to revel in and there were tears. Not sad tears, just tears of release I think. Which isn’t something that happens to me a lot, but it does happen and it felt strangely therapeutic. I am in many ways a very guarded person. I am very cautious with my emotions and I am hesitant to display levels of vulnerability that I haven’t carefully engineered.
Sometimes though moments happen that strip all that away, I’ve had many of them with Bakji, to the point where he sees through all my bullshit bravado 99% of the time and it happened as I just gave myself permission to let my friend be in charge while I just let floss-with a little f enjoy herself.
I talk about my feelings on non-monogamy a lot but it’s very rare that I discuss specific experiences that non-monogamy gives me, but this is one of them. My non-monogamy exists because I have friends like this and a friend like Bakji. I love Bakji, deeply and romantically and in a way that makes him my primary cohort in sexy shenanigans. God do I love my friends too though, they are all beautiful people inside and out and I have so much affection for the friend who blessed me with the experiences that made me what to write this post.
I’m also feeling, a lot of affection for floss-with a little f today. I give her a bit of a hard time, probably giving her performance anxiety and too much pressure to declare her changing kinks, instead of letting her exist and grow organically. I think we may be turning a corner though, just as FemDom Floss did a couple of weeks back. If floss-with a little f wants to come out to play, she can, but I think from now on I’m just going to let her surface of her own accord, rather than trying to drag her out to fill some sort of invisible ‘switch quota’.