I’ve written about communication on the blog a fair amount on the blog, in specific posts such as Communication – It’s Not Just For The Poly People, Let’s Talk About – Communication and Communication: It’s Good For Ewe but also as a side topic in a huge amount of my other posts. Add to that how often I discuss it with Bakji on ProudToBeKinky and you’d definitely think by now I’d be a communication pro. I am not.
One of the things I’ve learnt since joining the kinky community is that good communication takes work. It is something you need to be aware of working towards, good communication doesn’t just happen it is something you need to consciously create. I suspect how people create good communication habits and what good looks like for different relationships vary and that is why I created this week’s Food For Thought Friday prompt of Conscious Communication.
For myself and Bakji communication has been one of our biggest improvements. When we first started playing together we didn’t value communication in the way we should have, for lots of reasons. For me, I knew Bakji didn’t want a girlfriend, or a relationship and I felt like stating my needs and communicating about anything asides from what physical acts I was and wasn’t happy to engage in would scare him off. I enjoyed playing with him, and I wanted to keep doing that and I felt like the price of that was keeping my feelings to myself.
For Bakji, he also really enjoyed playing with me and wanted to continue doing so and was scared that any deep conversations would upset the apple cart and cause that fun to end. I think perhaps Bakji had less to discuss on the emotional front than I did. His concerns meant that certain topics I did broach weren’t maybe covered in the way I’d hoped for and often his answers were a little lacking and confirmed to me that discussing my worries was not a good plan.
We both know now that neither of us did great in those first few months, in fact, I’ll be totally honest and say it took up to a year for me to decide that enough was enough and regardless of his reactions I needed to be able to speak my mind. I realised that not saying the things I needed to was causing negative emotions and that it was a fear of losing him that kept me quiet. I also feared the situations that might arise if I didn’t speak up though and those situations became a worse prospect than losing him. So I knew I had to open the lines of communication.
One of the things I learnt for myself, that I suspect is well known to many folks is not to sit on things for too long. Early on with Bakji, and probably the rest of my life with everyone else, I would dwell on my issue. Replaying conversations in my mind and usually concluding that the only possible outcome was me getting hurt.
In the early days of my friendship with Bakji, he had some involvement with another lady. The way everyone involved went about that situation had nothing but negative results for me. Just as I was about to say I couldn’t continue with non-monogamy if that was how it felt, they were no longer playing together and my issue disappeared. I knew I had things I needed to resolve, both within myself and with Bakji but just enjoying him was so much easier. I was constantly on the lookout for people who might be the next one to catch his eye and I was never really settled in our friendship, always expecting it to come to an ugly end.
It was, however, not a new face, but the same face that forced me to confront both myself and Bakji over how I felt. Through the grapevine of the kink community, I heard that the same lady would be attending kinky socials again and my heart sank. I knew 100% that I couldn’t handle the same situation as before. I had to tell Bakji how I felt but I was terrified to do so.
What happened during that conversation was obviously more positive than I imagined because I’m still writing about him on this blog 4 years after we met. The conversation we had didn’t feel pretty and my heart was in my mouth the entire time I was speaking. I had it quickly though once I realised the issues I was having and I felt so much better for not having worried about it for weeks on end.
It’s also worth noting that Bakji has always encouraged me to talk to him openly and honestly. He has always been very clear that no matter what I tell him he won’t explode or get cross with me, he won’t storm out or abandon me while I’m feeling insecure. What will happen is he will listen, we will talk and together we will figure the situation out. He has never let me down on this front. Not once.
Which begs the question; why do I still struggle to communicate sometimes? Silly brain, that’s why. I am and always have been a bit of a people pleaser, sometimes the actions I see as pleasing to others aren’t always the correct course of action though.
Recently I’ve been struggling with reconciling the things I used to enjoy as a bottom with the things I enjoy now. Which is essentially very little kink and a lot more sexual activity. I hadn’t told Bakji this though, not until it came out during a podcast episode! I know I can tell Bakji anything, but for some reason admitting that my current kink as a bottom was sexy fucking felt like a kink too far. This is utterly ridiculous and definitely something my brain tricked me into believing.
My brain can do fabulous things, I’m honestly impressed by it sometimes, for one it compiled every single blog post on my blog. That’s quite an achievement. It is, however, also a total fucker and it is brilliant at telling me lies. It is so good at this that sometimes it takes me a while to recognise that I have been duped. It is that brain trickery though that keeps me from communicating sometimes.
Not only do I manage to convince myself not to talk about things, but I also manage to convince myself that I already know what the other person thinks and is going to say. It is very rare that I am actually right though. With the new kink for sexy shag fucks, I had managed to get to a point of thinking Bakji probably wouldn’t want to do that, because primarily kink is where his libido and desire lies, not with regular sex. I’d honestly got myself to the point of thinking we’d never have sex again unless it was something I engineered during FemDom fun. I know this isn’t true. I only know this isn’t true because we had the conversation. Communication wins every single time. Without fail.
Another topic of conversation for us is non-monogamy, which is how we both identify as individuals and within our dynamic. I’ve had a sneaky suspicion of late that we were both wanting to explore more, but were both holding back to avoid any potential fallout. A feeling that Bakji confirmed. One of the things I know I would have done previously is to have reacted in the extreme and removed all boundaries, told Bakji to do whatever he wanted and pulled away from him to save myself any upset. This is not a cool way to communicate.
Instead, we found a nice middle ground, a way to give ourselves and each other the opportunities to be utterly sexy with amazing people but without leaving either of us feeling concerned for what we have with each other. Is this how everyone would handle that situation? Perhaps not. But we had the conversation we needed to and took it to a place we were both happy with. This conversation took place via WhatsApp and at no point did I feel the need to switch to a telephone conversation or hold off until it could be a face to face chat.
Even as 34-year-old women there are still some conversations I do not enjoy having face to face. This has often meant not having conversations at all, which has led to monumental changes in my mental well-being. Not talking about things is the worst thing we can do. I am a big believer in ‘talking’ taking a variety of forms though. Sharing your thoughts with someone in written form, even if it’s just to get the conversation started is for me a totally valid method of communication.
Myself and Bakji discuss things in person, over WhatsApp, on Twitter and Instagram and also via the medium of Trello. We understand that sometimes it’s easier to write down a dirty fantasy than it is to voice it out loud. Often once it’s been read and confirmed as awesome it then becomes more natural to discuss it in person.
One of the things I often say on the podcast is that I have always wanted to be a safe space for Bakji to share his feelings and fantasies. For me, this means keeping the lines of communication open in a variety of ways so that he doesn’t feel added pressure when sharing something that may feel sensitive to him. This was especially important when we began our FemDom journey as Bakji had many ideas to share with me and he had his own worries about how I might react. As it turns out I’ve loved every single one of his dirty ideas, but we aren’t always that lucky in life, so I understand the anxiety over sharing those kinds of fantasies.
We have made huge amounts of progress in our journey with communication and perhaps most folks would have nailed it after 4 years of knowing each other, but I think we’ve probably still got a lot further to go. I feel far more confident about our ability to communicate than ever before though and I’m definitely working hard on being more aware of the things I need to communicate before they turn into a false truth rather than an insecurity that needs addressing. There’s definitely a lot left to learn, but I am extremely happy that communication means we have remained sexy friends and are therefore still learning together.