Collars and cuffs are two of the things that most embody BDSM, I use them both regularly, in fact, one or both crop up in all my kinky scenes with Bakji, yet I would not consider them on my list of things I’m overly into. Which meant I wasn’t going to write about them, but I kept being pulled back to the Tell Me About page, pondering whether or not I should share my thoughts and I’ve decided to go with the urge to write about something I’m largely ambivalent about.
When I first joined the kink scene (about five years back) there was a huge emphasis on the importance of collars, and submissives being collared. I don’t know if this has changed or if I’m just paying less attention. As someone who was at the time identifying as submissive, I felt a little bit out of place because I just didn’t want to wear a collar. I didn’t want to wear one as part of play and I had no designs on ever being collared as part of a symbol of my dynamic.
The interesting thing about this is I have worn collars pre-kink scene. In my teenage years, I had punky/goth vibe going on, which lingers in many ways in my current life and part of my aesthetic was wearing a wide range of collars. From fairly sedate looking chokers to all-out dog collars with gigantic spikes on. I loved every minute of wearing them. I was fully aware that to many folks they were an odd choice and I very much enjoyed that about them. For some reason though my love of them does not carry through to wearing them as a submissive or bottom.
I do however have images of me in a collar or collar-esque item. I enjoy wearing them for myself, I enjoy wearing them photographs and I love how certain collars look on me. I feel largely the same about cuffs. I have some rubber cuffs that I just think look freakin’ awesome. I would happily wear them as part of an outfit, yet they don’t give me any feelings of desire when I wear them. A collar and cuffs are to me just the most badass of accessories! I know these deviates massively from how many kinky folks feel about them and I have huge amounts of respect for those other feelings, but I can hold it in any longer, collars and cuffs do not speak to my submissive side at all.
I think they are too neat, too fit for purpose for my inner sub. She’s far more likely to follow the lead of someone who wraps a strong hand or rough piece of rope around her neck than a well-made leather collar. As for cuffs to restrain me, being manhandled and pinned into place or seduced into staying still with some words of menace are the things that make me feel like being a good girl.
For a long time, I tried to justify this, partly because it seemed to baffle the people I was meeting. Wannabe Dom’s were highly insulted by my lack of desire to be ‘collared’, not just by them, but by anyone. Play partners tried to woo me with sets of cuffs that they thought I’d love, or a set that were ‘just for me’ and were again completely flummoxed when I stated once again that they just didn’t really get my juices flowing.
As a Top, I feel marginally different. That said though when I wrote out my kinks for That’s My Kink neither collars nor cuffs made the list. What did was mummification (still to come) and bondage. Both of which I enjoy immensely as a Top, one of which, mummification, I’ve never even done as a bottom but it 100% tops my list of ways I love to restrain Bakji. It never even occurred to me to includes collars and cuffs, but as I said at the very beginning of this post we use them all the time.
The collar we use is one I bought about three years ago. I had a specific scene in mind and I thought a collar would be a nice addition to how subby Bakji might feel because collars are definitely a huge kink of his. Like me, he’s not one for the symbolism of them but unlike me, the feeling of a collar around his neck is definitely sexual and kinky. The collar I chose was a fairly padded, leather posture collar. Had I been able to shop around I may have chosen a different one, but I was limited for time and managed to find one I liked in a shop close to home. As it happens it was a good buy because it has been worn a lot.
When I was in the shop choosing it I made sure it would fit both myself and Bakji, because at the time I was still entertaining the fact it might be something I’d like as a bottom one day. Now though I cannot imagine wearing that collar. I can’t imagine anyone wearing but Bakji. Regardless of whether or not I intended for it to mean anything, it is now his collar, it might not be a symbol of commitment or part any D/s rituals, but it sure as symbolises that I’m in charge and he’s not.
The only time I see him in that collar is when I put it on him. An action that without fail causes a pleasant reaction, often an audible moan and it always gives him that look in his eyes that tells me he is one step closer to being subby and incoherent. Those moments, those flashes in his eyes that he’s sinking deeper and handing over control are high points of our play and are what feed my Domme adrenaline and keep me coming back for more.
As for cuffs, they are more of a practical solution than anything else. I like that they are quick to administer and while they keep Bakji restrained they are usually used with the distinct purpose of allowing him some movement. This is perfect for when I want to poke his inner brat and see him out up a bit of a fight, things like face slapping and tons of biting usually happen in these scenes and it has a very different, I suppose more primal, feeling to when I use methods that make Bakji sink deep into subspace.
Collars and cuffs have definitely earned their place in my kinky kit bag, but I have to be honest and say that they wouldn’t make it to a desert island with me if hard choices had to be made. Why then did I decide to write about them? Because I want folks to know you don’t have to be in love with collars or crazy about cuffs to be a valid kinkster or have a valid D/s dynamic. I know that overall I am preaching to the choir with this because most of my readers are well rounded awesome people who support folks doing things in their own unique way.
In some cases, some of my readers are fledgeling kinksters and they are sometimes being spoonfed a lot of bullshit information by someone or some people who would benefit from them doing things in a certain way. Collars understandably mean a lot to many submissives and unsafe and so-called Dominants with often use this to gain leverage and unhealthy control. So once in a while, I like to voice an opinion that I think is thoroughly logical yet flys in the face of what some people would like new kinksters to believe and arms people with information to help them navigate through their kinky journey.
As well as loving a good dose of logic, I’m also a huge fan of sentiment, romance and thoroughly heartwarming tales, so don’t for one minute think that I’m not turned into a puddle of mush when you lovely folks share your thoughts on your well-loved collars. I absolutely adore the genuine and wonderful ways good and honest people use collars as a part of their D/s. I would be mortified if anyone thought my judgement was placed on them.
Unless of course, you’re a wanna Twitter Dom trying to collar every new sub you find in an effort to claim and control before they learn any better, I am judging you, harshly, because you suck. Good people of blogging land though, you folks rock and I bet you all look fabulous in your collars and cuffs.