When I began That’s My Kink as a series I knew it wouldn’t necessarily be restricted to covering either the dictionary definition of a kink or the kinky communities definition of a kink. What it was always meant to be about was all the quirks and nuances of my own sexuality that combine in their own unique way to make me Floss. I had a completely different topic lined up for this week, but I was reminded of a comment I made recently to Bakji when reading Facing Fears to Invite Possibility by Brigit Delaney for this week’s Food For Thought Friday.
In a recent discussion with Bakji, we were pondering the position some people find themselves in when they are kinky but their partner is not. For Bakji this would not be a situation he would ever be happy in, being kinky is as deeply rooted in him as being human. In fact, he’s probably more likely to identify as non-human than he is to ever identify as even mildly less kinky. He is a kinky boy through and through.
My situation is slightly different though, I never had any idea I had all this kinky stuff inside me, maybe it was always there or maybe it developed due to life circumstances. I discuss my thoughts on this a little bit in My Kinky Roots. In our conversation though I found myself saying to Bakji that I could happily forego kink in a relationship provided the sex was awesome. What I said next was something I never imagined myself saying and is the other catalyst for this post. I then declared that what I can’t see myself giving up is non-monogamy.
I have written about non-monogamy in many previous posts …
- My Motivation For Non-Monogamy
- Beneath The Umbrella of Non-Monogamy
- 5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy
- Compersion: Buzzword Or Beautiful
- Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles
- Feeling Secure Within Alternative Relationship Models
The starting point of FlossDoesLife was non-monogamy. I knew it would be a long journey with lots of new discoveries, great moments and difficult conversations. I wanted to document all that as I experienced it because I felt certain that many people would be having the same struggles and worries as I was. For various reasons I blogged about non-monogamy less and kink more. Non-monogamy though has become a feature in my life in a way I had never really envisioned.
When I joined the kink scene everyone I met seemed to identify as polyamorous and that was the direction in which I began to travel. Polyamory was then and is now a huge thing for me to consider. I am definitely open to the idea that one day I may well find myself in a polyamorous set-up, but that time isn’t now and that change would come with a whole new set of posts. I may have done a lot of the groundwork for polyamory but I know for sure I haven’t done any of the heavy lifting.
In all honesty, I’m not even that active when it comes to non-monogamy and there have been huge chunks of time where mine and Bakji’s only interactions have been with each other. Which is completely valid. There isn’t a rule book that says you have to have a quota of other partners to be able to identify as non-monogamous.
I do suspect people might wonder though if I’m not actively seeking other partners and find that the majority of my sexual, kinky and romantic needs are filled by Bakji why is it that I would be reluctant to give up non-monogamy, especially when I have stated both on the blog and on the podcast that monogamy previously worked very well for me.
What I love about non-monogamy is the openness it allows me and the opportunities it offers in terms of growing friendships. Both Bakji and I can nurture friendships both online and in person without fear of the other person questioning who the other person is and are our interactions with them appropriate? I am not for one moment saying this happens in every monogamous relationship, but honestly, between the two of us we’ve never had a relationship where nurturing connections outside of the primary relationship was welcomed or understood.
You meet lots of people in life and every now and again I meet someone who I find captivates my attention in some way. In previous relationships this is always something I’ve had to keep secret because 100% no previous partner wanted to know I had a crush on someone else, it would have led to arguments, questions over my loyalty and who knows what else. With Bakji I know I have a safe space to discuss these things and I offer the same to him. Often these feelings that never manifest into something, but being able to share them just feels like a much better option for me.
Our non-monogamy does extend into play with others and that feels good too. We recently attended an event where we each received attention from other folks, both together and apart, the types of activities engaged in varied greatly but I don’t think it was a coincidence that we got a bit hot and heavy with each other once we returned from that event. Seeing your partner be desired by other people is definitely a reminder of why you fancy them too which can absolutely trigger the need to ravish them.
Mostly though it’s not feeling the need to worry about how my friendships develop that makes me feel like non-monogamy is now a key feature of my life. There are people I know my non-kink life who are monogamous, but definitely, have intimate encounters their partners don’t know about and while I don’t judge them for their actions, I do find myself wondering if they’d be happier in a relationship where they could be honest about those activities.
Writing this post and pondering how we would react to a potential dalliance out in the world without the other person present, caused me to ask Bakji what he would do in a situation where he was out without me and found a sexy lady he’d like to get jiggy with. His answer was much like mine would be, the desire to fuck her would be there, but he’d feel bad doing anything. I feel much the same about him, as much as I might want to act on feelings and even though we’re non-monogamous I wouldn’t want to do anything without him being in the loop first. This then had me thinking about what Morag from My Moist Musings shared in her post Cheating. The level of freedom she has, albeit with consequences involved, is a level of freedom I want to extend to Bakji, which I currently don’t. Granted he hasn’t asked for it and perhaps hasn’t wanted it, but the idea that he’s missing out on hotties because of me makes me a bit sad.
I brought up the notion of readjusting our expectations with regards to non-monogamy. I actually didn’t mean for the conversation to transpire in the way it did, but I think it’s important to keep addressing these things, so this post has, in part, become something totally different to what it started out as. This is live personal growth you are seeing folks.
As much as I love and do not want to ever give up non-monogamy I do still have fears and insecurities and that means non-monogamy works for me partly because it is currently happening at a completely safe level. This is important and having your boundaries respected and being able to explore at the pace of the slowest person (so to speak) is I think is often vital to making non-monogamy work. I think we’ve reached a turning point though. As much as I love my safety zone of non-monogamy, I think I’m ready to step outside of that comfort zone a little. This feeling was amplified by Bakji’s response and the realisation that he feels the same.
I know that non-monogamy isn’t for everyone and that some of this might seem like a lot of effort for not a lot of reward but to me, to this day it has been worth taking a risk on. There have been crap times, moments where I honestly just hated the entire concept of non-monogamy and I was angry with myself for thinking I could pull it off. When it’s good though, damn it’s fucking great. Good doesn’t even necessarily mean good for me. Sure it’s great when non-monogamy means I’m getting it on with someone I’m super into, but sometimes good means watching bakji’s face light up when he’s taken with someone. Those small, sweet moments are truly worth the effort non-monogamy sometimes takes.
When I think of everything I’d have to give up if we decided to be monogamous it makes my heart ache a little. I love Bakji more than I ever imagined I would but I love our friends too and some of those friendships aren’t strictly platonic and I’d miss the fun and naughtiness that brings with it. I’d also miss out on getting to watch Bakji blush and beam in the presence of other ladies, which is frickin’ cute, then there are the moments when he brings the sexy action to the table and I feel a sense of ‘hell yeah I get to take that home with me’ combined with ‘please, ladies, come take your turn, it is well worth the ride.’
Relationships are complex, no matter whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, something in between or something a world apart from all those things. Navigating those complexities is sometimes hard, for all of us, for me knowing this, seeing the hard paths and knowing I still want to walk down them is how I know that this is a lifestyle I do not want to give up.