I don’t really see this particular interest of mine as a kink. It is, however, something that is woven into the very fibre of who I am, it shapes my sexuality in many ways and does play a role in what kinks I’m into and how they manifest. Before I get into the main body of the post I realise that for some people, gender is a difficult topic, I recognise that and in trying to be respectful of other people experiences I have in many ways altered the way I verbalise and explore this particular branch of my sexuality.
I’m going to stick with the theme of these posts and continue to refer to this interest as a kink because it honestly will just help the writing flow a little easier. As far back as I can remember though this has been a part of who I am. I think gender fuckery is easily my longest standing kink. Even before I had other quirks in my sexual repertoire people were quick to point out that I seemed to have a thing for men who looked like women or butch women. I highly doubt they ever pointed this out with any degree of sensitivity, but they weren’t wrong.
I have always always been attracted to androgynous people. When friends were bemoaning the fact you couldn’t tell if someone was a boy or a girl, I remember thinking ‘why does it matter?’ And ‘OMG they’re soooo beautiful.’ The lack of gender and the ambiguity of gender added to someone’s sex appeal if I already found them sexually attractive. One of the earliest people I remember creating this feeling in me was David Bowie. Seeing pictures of him in his younger days had me telling my Mum ‘oh my gosh, he’s just so pretty’ and not really having a full grasp on the sensations his images were causing in me.
It doesn’t stop there though, my Queer little heart cannot be stopped and I have many ways in which I love watching people fuck with gender norms. I think androgynous folk definitely came first, but butch women definitely came second. When I was growing up there was still a lot of talk around sexuality that was highly offensive but somehow totally acceptable, well, acceptable to everyone except the folk people were discussing.
My early forays into same-sex relationships were with women who were definitely butch and would have people asking me, ‘if you fancy her why don’t you just date a dude?’ I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I’ve tried to answer that question, and failed dismally because my brain can’t wrap itself around that logic. Being a fairly femme presenting woman I also had people point out that I could probably find a more feminine partner as if that were somehow an achievement to unlock.
Well yes, I could, and have indulged in wonderfully feminine women, but that doesn’t change the fact that a woman who is confidently rocking elements that the world deems as masculine absolutely sets my pulse racing. Likewise, if a man is wearing his feminine side with pride I am going to become a bit of a melty puddle. Then there are the people who manage to embody both masculine and feminine perfectly. David Bowie is again a perfect example of this. Ruby Rose would be a more modern day example. Also, Tilda Swinton who I am convinced is not of this world because she is so ethereal in her loveliness.
That said, I also like masculine men and feminine women who never deviate from those presentations. Then there are the folks who don’t identify as masculine or feminine, or male or female but I fancy the pants off some of them too. This is ultimately why I’ve started using Queer as an identifier for my sexuality. My sexuality has it seems always been based on saying fuck you to the rules society applies to gender. For me blurring the lines of what is expected of gender presentations and fucking with them merrily is one of the sexiest things a person can do.
As a kinkster, it has been a lot easier to embrace this part of my sexuality. In my previous non-kinky incarnation I got a lot of grief for the folks I found attractive, or for finding joy in the ways people expressed themselves when that pushed against the gender binary. In the kink community though, I’ve not only found acceptance for this side of myself, but also like-minded people.
Occasionally, again pre-kink, if I mentioned I quite fancied a certain celebrity, for example, someone might say something like ‘you only fancy him because he wears eyeliner’ or ‘yeah, she looks like a lesbian, just your type’. I always found it interesting that the people saying these things often had their own ‘type’ of person they preferred to date. I suspect they, like myself, still had to have some kind of attraction to that person above and beyond that person having traits we might like.
In my recent post The Pain of Tolerance I touched upon how the language we use often says more about how we view people than we realise. When I was growing up having people question why I had a picture of ‘a girl’ (said with a sneer) on my homework diary, when in fact it was a picture of Brian Molko from Placebo. I began to understand how nasty people could be by choice and for no other reason than they didn’t understand something.
When I wore my ‘I Love Mel C’ badge on my prefect sash, it wasn’t me they targeted with their words, but her ‘why do you like her, she looks like a boy’. I never took the bait, knowing the aim was to get me on the defensive. I did, however, quietly begin to understand how terrifying they found people who challenged the societal norms they had been brought up with.
FYI I thought Brian Molko and Melanie C were the epitome of sex when I was 16. I would have given my right arm to fuck them both, separately or together. Other people not thinking that never made me question my own attraction to them. It did baffle me though, I never understood why it mattered to them. Any of it. Why did it upset them how other people looked? And why did it matter to them that I and other people found them attractive?
While overall I find the kink community to be awesome and accepting I have conversations with individuals about some of the ways in which I’m attracted to people and not everyone’s take has always been positive. In these situations I do my best to make it clear that I am positive about and supportive of the people I play with, how they identify and their right to respect. Which also means being mindful myself that some folks who create an instinctive ‘phwoar’ in me, may not be that comfortable with the reasons they did so.
There times where I absolutely get to embrace this long term love of mine though and to my delight, this is something Bakji is happy to help with. I have talked about Feminisation before in a previous instalment of That’s My Kink and a lot of why I love that is about fucking with gender norms. Bakji is a cis-gendered guy, he’s got a rocking masculine vibe about him and I love that. It makes Dominating him satisfying and incredibly sexy but also paves the way for me to add some femininity to his body for our scenes and I freakin’ love that.
My eyes, my heart and my cunt combine with this kink and take me to a place of extreme joy when I see the lines of gender being blurred and while this has been a part of me for as long as I can remember I still have so many ways in which I’d love to explore it. Which is definitely exciting and of course something I will continue to blog about as and when new things transpire.
I know that when I explain this to a lot of folks it’s always assumed it’s about who I wanted to have sex with. In part, it is, who I’m attracted to of course plays a huge part in who I have sex with. It goes beyond that though. For me, this ‘kink’ is also about beauty and freedom. It’s about people unfurling and blossoming in a way that makes their spirit soar.