For this week’s Lingerie Is For Everyone post I shared two images accompanied by the following quote .. ‘When you feel the remarkable, uncommon texture of your soul, you can’t imagine letting anyone close who isn’t perfectly meant to intertwine with it.’ The moment I read that quote it resonated with me but when it came to hitting publish I did question using it for a moment.
The reason I wondered whether or not it was a good fit was other people’s interpretation of it. I thought folks might see it a slight on casual sex or multiple partners. It’s wording perhaps being more in tune with monogamous encounters. I stuck by my choice to use it though and this week’s Food For Thought Friday topic gives me the perfect reason to explain why.
When May set her prompt for this week’s F4TF I liked the fact she had including a positive angle on mistakes, I’m not entirely sure I’ve made any mistakes that I’d class as the best ones of made. All of my mistakes tend to be of the ‘oh shit, that was not cool’ kind of mistake. Many of which I’ve zero inclination to talk about, neither on the blog or in real life. When I first joined the kink community though I made lots of mistakes and I am happy to talk about those.
In my early days of being kinky, I seemed to forget all about engaging with the right people. I just allowed myself to be swept up in the desire to do kink and as a result, accepted the attention of folks I really shouldn’t have. These were my mistakes. People always like to minimise this by saying, ‘yes but you wouldn’t be where you are without them’ which is perhaps true and also proven by this blog post I suppose, but I truly wish I could have learnt my lesson without allowing those particular people access to my body and my mind.
I never felt good about myself after these encounters. The best way to describe it is that I’d been rubbed the wrong way. I wanted to smooth everything down, cleaning and preening until I resembled myself again. I suspect drop was part of this and perhaps my frame of mind at the time, but I could never shake this niggling feeling that my actions weren’t the problem, but I couldn’t identify what was.
It wasn’t until I met and subsequently began playing with Bakji that my fur began to feel less bristled by my kinky ways, so to speak. I’d been squishing myself into boxes, sticking labels on myself and following ideals laid out by others. Bakji came box free, with no label maker and no ideals. His only plan was to have kinky fun, make kinky friends and have a damn good time. I think I was momentarily dazed by this, it was not at all the approach I’d become used to and I wondered how exactly it would work.
How it worked was that his approach chilled me the fuck out and gave me this space to figure out what kind of kinkster I actually was without his interests or other peoples nudging me in a direction of their choosing. I will always be grateful for the safe and nourishing space he gave to me just by virtue of being himself. He is one of the most kind-hearted and genuine people I’ve ever been lucky enough to meet and that our friendship has developed in the way it has is just an extraordinary bonus.
One offshoot of playing with Bakji was that I questioned how much I wanted to play with other people, while still harbouring notions of exploring non-monogamy. This in and of itself felt like a contradictory mindset. What I came to realise though is that Bakji intertwined with me so wonderfully that engaging with people that left me with that bristled feeling just wasn’t an option anymore.
That is where the quote I shared at the beginning resonated with me. I feel like in those first few months with Bakji I saw myself more clearly and most importantly I remembered how to be kind to myself again. I allowed myself to acknowledge the unique and awesome being that I was and I understood that I didn’t want to play with people who didn’t feel like a good fit.
For me, this doesn’t mean saving myself for my one and only, it doesn’t mean only playing with Bakji because after all, he was the one who assisted in my discovery. What it does mean though is saying no when someone doesn’t give me the feels I’m searching for. It also means saying yes when I feel myself intertwining perfectly with someone, whether that is for a one time only making out session or an ongoing dalliance of debauchery.
I’ve got relationships from before I met my ex-husband that in hindsight perhaps weren’t the wisest of choices but I never regretted them and I definitely never saw them as mistakes. It’s only the majority of choices I made between my ex and Bakji that I can’t help but file under the mistakes category. I never want to add another person to the mistakes pile. It feels unpleasant to view people in that way.
The main mistake I made with those people is that even in the moment I knew they weren’t right for me. As their hands explored my body and their words filtered into my mind, I was never at ease with the choices I was making and it is that I think that lends these experiences well to regret.
In the last four years that I’ve been getting down and dirty with Bakji all the words, hands, tongues and genitals that I’ve had the pleasure of entertaining and being entertained by have most definitely been a delight and they carry with no regrets just wonderful memories and in many cases the hope of more fun to be had.