When reading all the posts people have been writing post-Eroticon I’ve been wondering where the hell to begin with mine. If in fact, I did one at all. In terms of an overview of how the weekend panned out and what Eroticon is all about we did that for Episode 95 of ProudToBeKinky and that’s a great listen so you should totally check that out.
There is a selection of thoughts nestled in the notes section on my phone that would make an awesome post. Not so much about Eroticon but a reflection on feelings Eroticon might inspire in us and how best to move forward with our blogging aspirations while also dealing with
Focusing on the now though, I do have a blog post I want to write and it perhaps isn’t the brightest and cheeriest of posts but I think it’s important. Maybe I am the only person who has been battling the thoughts I’m about to share, but there’s a chance I’m not and even if only one person can relate to what I say it’s well worth me opening up about how for most of the Eroticon weekend I felt like a massive fraud and in many ways a huge failure.
This is not a reflection on Eroticon, it is an amazing event, organised by amazing people and I am very grateful I got the chance to attend. My feelings are largely self-inflicted but that doesn’t make them any less valid and they 100% need addressing so that I can move forward and make my blog awesome.
It’s probably worth noting that hormones and tiredness possibly played their part in my general well-being over the Eroticon weekend. Since January I have been battling with my contraceptive implant and it had reached peak arsehole phase by the time Eroticon came round. I was tired, emotional and to be quiet honest wanted to sleep for a week. Instead, I was faced with new people, lots of socialising and even more information. Normally I would love all that stuff and I would have been outgoing and full of bounce. How I actually felt was quite insular and very tearful.
The Saturday of Eroticon we attended a Kink Craft session and the session by Kayla Lords on ‘How to Reach Your Goals When You Have No Time to Work on them’. We also mingled with the vendors, had some lunch and actually headed back to the hotel at about 3.30pm for what turned out to be a fairly long nap. I enjoyed my Saturday at Eroticon, in spite of the next few paragraphs I’m about to write I was delighted to be at Eroticon surrounded by a welcoming and talented community.
When we got back to the hotel there were tears and they were definitely mine and not Bakji’s. He is the most wonderful fella a girl could ask for though and he was incredibly sweet and generous when I babbled my way through what was wrong. Essentially I have more time than most to work on my blog and I do, I work on it a lot. Since January 1st I have posted everyday bar two days, January 1st and the Monday after Eroticon. While content isn’t an issue the list of things I need to do behind the scene is long and that realisation was overwhelming and triggered huge levels of imposter syndrome.
I honestly sat in my hotel thinking of all the amazing bloggers who had turned up for Eroticon and wondered how the hell out of all of them I was the person who had bagged the No.2 spot in Molly’s Top 100 Sex Blogs list last year. I felt ungrateful, undeserving and not at all what the No.2 person should be. I want to make it very clear that I was honoured to be included in Molly’s list and being No.2 was probably the best moment of last year. It is so much easier to focus on my failings though and unfortunately, I chose the Eroticon weekend to mentally list all the ways in which I was letting my blog down.
I should be earning money from my blog. This is something I’ve known for a long time. I would love for this to not be a goal of mine, but in reality, if I could monetize my blog it would benefit my life in multiple ways. My blog is my key to the kind of life I want. Writing is the best skill I have. It is the thing in life I am best at. Yet it is the thing I do free of charge every single day and I know that needs to change but lack of knowledge and fear of failure stops me moving forward with what could potentially be a life-changing move if it were to succeed.
This is were the feelings of abject failure began to explode. It’s not that I see making money as the only mark of success, I absolutely do not. Community, shared knowledge and forging connections are the successes that have kept me blogging for the past two years. Even in those areas though I was creating a list of ways I haven’t done enough and the ideas I’ve yet to follow through on. The reasons I’ve yet to give these ideas a go is because I’m telling myself I’m not the person who should be doing them, that I won’t hold people’s interest long enough to make this particular endeavours succeed. These are lies my brain is telling me, I know this, but believing the lies we tell ourselves is so goddamn easy.
On the Sunday of Eroticon I attended a session by Girl on the Net, ‘From 1000 readers to 100,000: building traffic on your blog’. This session blew my mind. Girl on the Net managed to pull me back from the edge and gave me a reminder that I can do this. Yes it will take hard work and yes it will take time but I can achieve my goals but I need to change my tactics. In one of my few outgoing moments, I did actually approach GOTN after her talk and say it was amazing, she was lucky that she escaped without me bursting into tears because by that point the emotions were really started to collide.
I was simultaneously filled with determination to make the changes I need to on the blog and a desire to send the whole thing up in flames and live a quiet life without a blog. While also being convinced Eroticon wasn’t the place for me and at the same time plotting a session for next year. Then there was the battle between I’m clearly not as good as all these other writers, but also I’m good enough that people should pay me to write. I both believe in myself and want to destroy my own self-belief in equal measure. I am not making light of folk with a genuine split personality disorder but quite honestly I feel like I have that when it comes to blogging right now. It is exhausting, but I am determined that the self-belief should win.
Blogging doesn’t have to be the huge focus in everyone’s life that it has come to be mine, we all have our own individual goals and I don’t for one minute measure anyone else against my own personal ambitions. Which means this blog post definitely isn’t telling you you’re also crap if you’re not meeting the expectations I set for myself. It is however about telling you that you’re doing amazing even if you’re not meeting your own expectations and that you, like me, can reach your goals but to do so you might need to be a bit kinder to yourself and maybe breakdown your goals in achievable and manageable chunks. Which is such good advice I might try and take it myself.
Thank you to everyone who makes Eroticon happen, despite my self-doubt I think Eroticon is an amazing event and I think every sex blogger should try and go at least once. If you’d like to follow the folks who organise Eroticon then you need to visit MollysDailyKiss and @DomSigns. If you’d like to know more about the companies who sponsored Eroticon then that would be Chaturbate, Doxy, Electrastim, The Ruby Glow/Tabitha Rayne, Fetish.Com, Hot Octopuss, Temptation Holidays and LoveGvr.