Today I wanted to write about the Smut Marathon results and yesterday I wanted to work on something else, and the words haven’t been coming and I keep telling myself it’s because I’m tired, but the truth is something else wants to be written and quite frankly I don’t want to write it, but seeing as it is bursting to leave my brain I may as well go with it.
This week’s Erotic Journal Challenge is to write a letter to your first love, and I hope Brigit doesn’t mind me cheating a little bit. My first love has always been women, I’ve always known I was bisexual but have always felt that is was lesbian-leaning bisexual which is why I quite often use Queer these days as a way to identify my sexuality.This week though I feel like I’ve let all the women down, and writing a letter to them feel like the only way my brain might give me a break from the constant guilt trip it currently has me on.
For my last #SoSS post I shared the blogs of some awesome women I have come into contact with online through the sex blogging community. That list was inspired by the actions of some badass ladies I have had the pleasure of meeting in real life. On International Women’s Day, they came together to attempt to put an end to a cycle of behaviour that has affected them all, here is my letter to them.
I have felt many, many things since you all came forward, some of which feels valid, some of which feels self-indulgent and trite in comparison to what you went through. Mostly I feel shame and sadness that I wasn’t a better friend to each and every one of you. I can’t erase the past and though I tried in my own way to make things better, I was woefully ignorant of just how bad things were.
On a weekly basis, I get wonderful comments and messages through my blog, I have been on more than one occasion thanked and championed for my continued support of people within the sex blogging community and I don’t say this to brag, I say this to point out how we can do well in one area and fail dismally in another.
I try to be a good person. I think my nature is to be kind, I don’t tell lies to people, I’ll be honest when asked questions and my door is always open if people want to begin a discussion with me, even the tough ones. What I hate though is confrontation of any kind, I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I like a quiet life. I don’t like to deal with contentious issues that involve debate, raised voices and heated conversation. Right now these all feel like major personality flaws.
Bakji says there’s nothing I could have done, and maybe he’s right, but right now my brain is telling me he’s wrong. I’m going over and over a bunch of stuff, things I wasn’t even involved in wondering if there was a point, a small moment in time where I could have said something that would have made a difference. Even hindsight tells me this is unlikely, and I was going through my own stuff while you were going through yours and yes some of that stuff included fighting my own battles, it wasn’t especially time to fight someone else’s but is the time ever right for that or am I just making excuses.
I even hate that this writing sounds like ‘oh woe is me, isn’t it sad that I feel bad for being shit at supporting my fellow women’ – but my brain just isn’t letting up on this and I needed to get it out and I feel like I need to say publicly that I am sorry you went through so much, that I respect the hell out of you for the decision you’ve made to come forward and I 100% support your doing so.
I know at least one person who I managed to navigate away from potentially being another person who could have added to the number of you that came forward, but one doesn’t feel like a big number right now. It just feels like a not good enough number.
My heart goes out to all of you, but fuck me if you aren’t all totally badass and doing an amazing job at living better and happier lives now compared to when we existed in a similar bubble. I wish you all the best for your future happiness and I hope you continue to grow stronger and more wonderful with every passing day.
Some people who witnessed the goings on of a particular subsection of our local kink community referred to it as a cult. I always saw where they were coming from but never really ran with that idea myself. The last few days though seeing information presented in one go that previously I saw in trickles as it happened, I can’t help but wonder if they were more correct than I realised.
I feel marked by my inclusion in this particular group, I feel like to many local kinksters I’ll always carry the stigma of having been in that inner circle, probably by many people’s judgements for a little too long. We all have own own stories though, and I have mine, I have my reasons why I was there and reasons why I drifted away. I don’t want to tell that story, I could but I just don’t want to.
Sometimes we blog for our audience, to entertain, to inform, to connect. Today I’m blogging for me, for the sake of my brain and my own emotions. It’s for that reason that I’m going to link up to Sex bloggers for Mental Health. While they do provide us with a weekly prompt Cat and May are often saying we can share any Mental Health related posts and I am grateful to them for the platform to share these thoughts.
I also apologise that this post is a little ambiguous in some ways, if you are a U.K based kinkster that is at all concerned you might know what I am referring to and would like confirmation then please feel free to make enquires. Linking to any of the original posts by this ladies will out my location, and while it isn’t a massive secret I do try to minimise how much it is mentioned.