[Sex & Kink] What’s My Sexual Style?


Erotic Journal Challenge, Self Reflection / Friday, February 15th, 2019

Image Via Pixabay

When I saw that Brigit had posed the question ‘How would you describe your sexual style?’ for this week’s Erotic Journal Challenge my first thought was I’d describe it as awesome. I then realised that would be very cocky of me and wouldn’t make much of a blog post. I then set myself a new challenge … Think of 5 words that describe my sexual style and use them to prove that I am in fact awesome in the sack.

Enthusiastic

Before I discovered I was kinky, or before I turned kinky depending on your viewpoint, I didn’t have the words to describe my sexual desires but I know now that I was inclined towards being a sexual bottom. While I don’t find my happy place being a submissive in the BDSM sense of the word, I really do find a wonderfully happy place being sexually submissive.

In my non-kink days this was seen as lazy, but as I’ve explained to Bakji on the many occasions we’ve had this discussion, righting the wrongs of the world, I always felt I was an enthusiastic participant. While I may have enjoyed being the bottom this didn’t mean I was inactive. To my delight, he confirms that in the days when he Topped me frequently I was always enthusiastic and always grateful, not in the ‘I should be grateful’ way, but in genuine, thankful for the effort he puts in and for the fun we have kind of way.

I’m not just an enthusiastic bottom though, even if I’m in control of the direction of play, I am going to be very enthusiastic and excited about doing things with any sexy time partner. Whether it’s sex or kink, if I agree to play with someone it’s because I am going to be into it. Lack of enthusiasm for me would indicate that I shouldn’t be playing with that person. So if I’m in, I’m all in and we are going to have a damn good time.

Fun

Fun, flirty, happy, smiley these are things I enjoy as part of my sexual and kink style. When I first tried Topping one of the criticisms I got was about not being ‘domly enough’ what they meant was I didn’t give off the vibe they’d imagined a Dominatrix would have. They imagined stern, ball busting and mean, not glitter, giggles and pink hair. They were wrong on many levels, about me, about female dominants in general and about the level of seriousness sex and kink needs to have in it.

Don’t get me wrong if fun isn’t your thing, that’s cool, but I am not you’re girl if you want it to seem like I hate you and that sex or kink is a joyless endeavour for me. I only do sexy things that I find fun and when I find things fun I smile and laugh. Which means that if you’re a masochist and you consent for me to hurt you I will be smiling while I do it. When I tease Bakji until he is about to burst from the frustration I’m usually laughing out loud at his predicament.

Openminded

Regardless of how I initially become sexually acquainted with someone I always remain openminded to change. Their interests might change, our interactions might change and I might change. The possibilities are endless. If I keep an open mind though change doesn’t have to be the end of the fun.

I’ve explained this on the podcast a few times but part of what I do in my relationship with Bakji is try to make our dynamic a safe space for him to share any kinky or sexy ideas he might have, it must have worked because he says he can’t think of anything left to tell me when it comes to his kinky interests.

This is one of the reasons I research kinks beyond my own because one day someone might share an interest of theirs and I like to be able to offer as much acceptance and understanding of their kink as I can.

Kinky

I’ve given this one away in the previous paragraphs, but being kinky is a large part of who I am as a sexual being. I can enjoy sex with any kink, well I say that but when I tried to think of the last example of this happening it was at a sex party that was essentially an orgy, which I think is probably kinky in its own way.

Like I said above though I’m openminded so non-kinky sex isn’t a no, I just really enjoy sexy things when they come with a side serving of biting, scratching, hair pulling and other yummy things. I’d imagine that even if I had sex with someone who had zero interest in kink at all that my kinks would seep into that interaction somehow. Not in a way that disregarded their consent, but kink is so ingrained in my sexuality now I can’t imagine it remaining silent once the sexy commenced.

Risk Aware

It’s all well and good being kinky but you’re not really an ideal play partner for anyone unless you’re risk aware. Anyone can rock up with a bag full of rope and a bunch of hitty things but you suck if you’re going to play unsafely with those things. For me being risk aware means knowing I am capable of carrying out the kinks I enjoy as safe as humanly possible, mistakes happen, no one is infallible, but I do my utmost to avoid them.

Risk aware for me also means declining play if I think someone isn’t a suitable match for me, emotional risks are a factor a too and if I think either one of us isn’t going to come out of play feeling anything but great then that’s a no from me. Along the same lines, I am aware that kink gives us highs, which means it can also give us lows, so part of my sex and kink style is offering the kind of aftercare any play partner requires.

I think those five things sum up my style of play pretty well, the only thing it doesn’t include and it is the one I need to work on a little bit this year is being overly cautious and not forward enough. Bakji and I  have realised we’ve missed a fair few opportunities over the last couple of years due to being a bit too reserved and worrying too much about potential fallouts of casual encounters.

We both have playing with others on our to-do list, both as a couple and separately and that isn’t likely to happen if we maintain our current approach. As I said in Discovering My Sexual Self I really would like 2019 to be the year of the queer and without some variation in the people I play with that ain’t gonna happen, well I’ll still be queer but I’d just like that to be in practice as well as in soul truth. Not that Bakji isn’t plenty to keep me occupied but non-monogamy is our weapon of choice for a reason, so seems daft we aren’t using it to our advantage more often.

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