[Sexuality] Discovering My Sexual Self


Bisexuality, Erotic Journal Challenge, Self Expression, Self Reflection / Monday, January 14th, 2019

As many of you may have noticed, I love a good writing meme and I’m a huge believer in using prompts to fuel my inspiration. This blog would actually be pretty deserted without the weekly meme’s. The newest meme on the block is Brigit’s ‘Erotic Journal Challenge’. One week in and I already think it’s fabulous, last week it prompted me to write ‘Self Discovery Through Sensual FemDom’ and to think we all thought I’d said all there was to say about my love of FemDom!

Brigit has now released her second prompt and I’ll be honest it’s a challenging one for me because it is about a subject that I am surprisingly not that into … but as Dumbledore once said, ’… there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right. The easy path would be not to join in this week, the right path is to give it a go.

What is the topic?

Sexuality and not in the ‘hey check me out I’m a super awesome bi chick who’s starting to identify a lot more as queer these days’, that I could write about all day long. What Brigit asks us this week though is this …

‘When did you discover your own sexuality? For example, when was the first time you masturbated or realized you could feel physical sexual pleasure? When did you first feel sexual desire? How did you address it?’

I know I could probably take the prompt in a more familiar direction, but this is the Erotic Journal CHALLENGE! Not the Erotic Journal Walk in the Park, so challenge accepted Brigit.

When did I discover my own sexuality?

That is a bloody good question. I think for the longest time my attraction to people was largely supercharged platonic. That is to say, I had people who I found I like a bit more than I liked other people, but it took a long time for that desire to turn sexual. Oddly enough what I did find myself drawn to was engaging in physical contact with people I had a crush on. That’s odd because physical contact is something I’m not great at these days, You will not know I’m flirting with you because I get touchy-feely. In my youth though that absolutely would have been the case.

I remember we went on a family holiday to Lanzarote when I was about 11 and the rep who worked in the kids club gave me all sorts of feels. She was olive skinned, always wore her hair in a high ponytail, hair that was a beautiful dark caramel colour but peppered with blonde highlights and all I wanted to do was sit near her and on one occasion I actually got to sit on her lap during a coach ride.

Did experiences like this lead me into early explorations of masturbation? Not at all, but they did give me cause to notice feelings ‘down there’. In a slightly more horrifying memory, I also heard my parents having sex for the first time on that holiday *cringe* and I remember being curious as to what that would be like. This was the holiday where my Step-Dad kept singing ‘Under The Boardwalk’ and when he got to the line ‘On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be’ he kept making ‘uh-uh’ imitation sex noises after the word baby.

I am assuming I was at an age where it was thought these things would go over my head, and obviously, they didn’t realise I’d overheard the actual sex! Looking back though I’m guessing this was a turning point for seeing the world as a sexual place and perhaps beginning to wonder where I would fit in with all that.

When did I first masturbate?

Honestly no idea! The earliest memory I have of ‘wanting’ to masturbate was on a holiday with my friend when I went to Devon with her family. We were unfortunately at the tail end of our ‘best friend’ journey, I think we each had other friends we were more inclined to want to be with. So I spent a lot of time reading, while she spent a lot of time topping up her tan. I would have been 13/14 at this point.

One of the books I read was a Judy Blume book, Summer Sisters. It most definitely has sexual content in and I couldn’t believe my luck when I found it in the little grocery shop on the campsite, alongside Jilly Cooper and such like. I bought it and I devoured it.

100% I wanted to touch myself when reading that book. It gave me so many sexual feels and I remember thinking specifically of the friend that I had been growing closer to who was back home in Bournemouth. She had zero interest in me in a gay way, that was definitely one-sided and definitely a secret, but that didn’t stop me imaging things we could do together.

Did masturbation equal sexual pleasure?

No way! Let’s assume I probably started masturbating between the ages of 13 and 14. It didn’t feel terrible, I remember that much, and I didn’t feel bad about it, but it wasn’t amazing, it just felt kind of nice and sometimes a bit extra nice. I definitely never orgasmed and as such, I did wonder what all the fuss was about. I had no resources to point me in the direction of getting better either, so my masturbation can be summed up in that same way until I reached the age of 29 when it gradually began to improve.

Even know though masturbation is something I have a complicated relationship with and indeed perhaps so is sexual pleasure all round. Though I find this is less noticeable and less problematic within the kink dynamics I currently explore. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex, masturbation and my own sexual being, but it’s not a given that it’s always on top form and there are a lot of conversations around sex and sexual enjoyment that just pass me by.

When did you first feel sexual desire?

Much complex thinking is happening in my head right now. When I was 15, about two weeks before my 16th birthday I did sexual things with a boy, my honest to god internal reaction to typing that sentence is ‘bleurgh’. I was not into penises when I was a teenager and this first encounter with one did not help matters. The boy was cute, and he was unusually into me, which boys weren’t really when I was a teen and I was having curious sexual urges by then, so I went with it. Afterwards, I left the party I engaged with him at thinking that I was definitely a lesbian.

The person I really wanted to be sexually intimate with was a girl I’d grown close to during the summer when we’d both helped out at summer classes run for girls just entering year 7 but were a bit behind with their school. Not sure if it’s relevant but that sentence highlights that I did, in fact, go to an all-girls school for my teenage years.

In the December after my 16th birthday, I kissed that girl and Oh my goodness I was in love. Not necessarily in love with her, although that did happen and unfortunately led to my first experience of being heartbroken. I was in love with kissing and especially kissing girls and oh how I wanted to touch her, to feel her breasts and put my fingers inside her. Then, right there, right then, with that first kiss, that is when I truly experience sexual desire for the first time and also excitement over sexual encounters.

How did I address those feeling of sexual desire?

To put it bluntly? I learnt how to fuck her real good. Yep, I didn’t learn much about giving myself pleasure in my early years of sexual exploration but I learnt how to make girls come, with my fingers and with my tongue and I don’t mean to brag but I learnt how to do it well.

Even now that my sexual adventures have been with men as well as women, I still feel clueless about nobs and my attraction to them is based far more in the emotional connection I have with the man than it is with sexual desire. The whole way through this blog post I have been thinking about my sexual desire in relation to women, which is where my sexual desires seem to be most at home.

Aren’t you in a relationship with a CisHet guy though?

I am indeed and have been for most of my adult life, though not with the same guy and perhaps on reflection that is why my thoughts and feelings around my own sexuality are so complex.

I dearly love the men who I’ve been romantically and sexually involved with, which is a whole two men for both those categories and a few extra for the sexual stuff, not that numbers matter, but I think it’s good to give an overview of my pool of experience.

For 10 years I was in a relationship where exploring with women wasn’t an option, maybe if I’d really pushed for it we could have done threesomes and stuff, but we weren’t a threesome kind of couple and that’s okay. I enjoyed what we had while we had it. I do wonder though if the lack of exploration of a part of myself that is clearly so deeply entwined with who I am a sexual being somewhat stunted my sexual growth.

I’m now in a relationship where it doesn’t have to be either or. I have a safespace with Bakji where I can be honest about my sexual and kinky needs without fear of rejection or reprisals. Non-monogamy also means that playing with others often includes making sweet, sweet, love to sexy women, except it never looks much like love and usually the word dirty would replace the word sweet. Yeah, what I should have said was the chance to do some dirty, dirty fucking with equally dirty women!

2019 – Year of the Queer

Before I knew I’d be writing about this I promised myself that 2019 would be my ‘Year of the Queer’, basically I want to embrace my sexuality more and I’m hoping this includes expanding my sexual pleasures too. There’s going to be more outness, more proudness, more in my own cuntness, more sensual, more seduction and hopefully more orgasmic feels.

The title Brigit gave this challenge was ‘Discovery’ and I think that is entirely appropriate. Let the journey of discovery begin.

12 Replies to “[Sexuality] Discovering My Sexual Self”

  1. A wonderful piece of writing Floss. You write thoughtfully and honestly. I feel as if I have sat down with you over a cup of tea and you have told me all this.so naturally I wish you all the best for your hopes for your Year of the Queer. x

    1. Aw that’s lovely feedback, and I’d have a cup of tea with you anytime Pons 🙂 I’m sure we’d have delightful conversations, especially if there was cake too, cake makes me extra happy 🙂 x

  2. This was so interesting and it sounds like you found it interesting to reflect and write as well, which shows in your writing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and HAPPY 2019!!!!!

  3. You are right this question was challenging in so many ways. It is great to learn about ourselves but also each other in this way. A wonderful, honest and insightful post. xx

  4. Oh, I love this, Floss! I love that your took the challenge and just ran with it. This exploration is so interesting, and I love to see how you have evolved. I especially love that th is is your Year of the Queer. Never stop discovering.

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