[Sex & Kink] Do I Like It Dirty?

One of the conversations Bakji and I have often is about the ‘requirements’ that had to be met in our pre-kink sex lives to ensure we were having the ‘spiced up’ sex that would mean we weren’t boring, or unadventurous. Dirty talk is right there on the list, and I can tell you now, I wasn’t a fan.

Giving or Receiving?

In my pre-kink days and even in my early days of kink, receiving dirty talk was bad enough, having to be the wielder of dirty words though? That was excruciating. It always felt contrived and because it wasn’t something that came naturally to me I always felt mortified at the idea of having to use dirty words and let them leave my mouth. It actually got to the point where I couldn’t even say pussy. Which was the go-to word I was often asked to use. It would literally get stuck in my throat and I’d start to feel panicky, embarrassed and definitely not turned on. Even thinking back to that kind of dirty talk is making me frustrated and agitated.

What About When They Got It Right?

Until Bakji I honestly don’t think anyone got this right in terms of how they spoke to me during sex and one experience just left me thinking that dirty talk was off the table completely, which was actually in the limbo time between leaving my ex-husband and joining the kink scene.

During that dalliance, everything about it was wrong, it was unhealthy and I think their interests in me and in kink were more about how the outside world would be shocked by what we were doing together rather than in me myself. The dirty talk, therefore, felt dirty in the wrong way, not sexy dirty, but unclean dirty. It also didn’t stay in the moment and I found that particularly unsettling.

There was for me nothing worse than venturing into something new, for example anal play, and having someone remind you of how filthy you are for having enjoyed it when you’re having a cordial exchange about the weather. Especially when the tone of voice/text makes you feels slightly ashamed and ‘bad dirty’.

These days Bakji can remind me at any given point that I’m a dirty pervert who likes to whip his bum and it always without fail makes me want to smile and Dominate his ass. That is because I know he says it with love and joy and that makes all the difference in the world.

Kink Increases Your Vocabulary

When I joined my local kink community I started to learn a lot more about kink including how to navigate play safely and how best to communicate your various interests. One of the things I learnt about was hard and soft limits. In those early days of kink dirty talk definitely felt like a soft limit, if I didn’t actually state it as one I definitely know I was vocal about not really enjoying it.

There were times though where dirty talk slipped into some of my scenes and overall I still wasn’t that into it and I found it especially jarring in scenes with people who were casual play partners. I also discovered dirty talk in the kink world isn’t exactly the same as in the non-kink world and I had to sort out how I felt about words like ‘mine’ and phrases my ‘my slut’. The answer was not good. That sense of ownership, however brief, didn’t turn me on at all. Once again I was at the point of vetoing all dirty talk.

The sexiest words are silent

When Bakji and I started playing I noticed fairly early on that he didn’t seem to be that interested in talking dirty to me. When he did speak during a scene though it always enhanced things and never once made me feel uncomfortable. His words and hearing his voice actually did turn me on.

The silence though? Oh goodness that truly was sexy and what a gift it was. No being jolted from my happy place by arbitrary sex words, no wanting it to be over quickly because the dirty talk had made the whole sesssion unbearable. Just lovely sexy actions not tainted by the feeling that we needed to use dirty talk to get a tick in a check box.

Shall I Mention FemDom again?

I know I probably sound like a broken record when it comes to this, but … my enjoyment, or lack thereof of dirty talk all changed when we started exploring FemDom.

Without even noticing I was doing it I started talking to Bakji during scenes, and it was definitely dirty talk, but it wasn’t your stereotypical dirty talk. I discovered I loved describing what I was doing to him, and describing his reactions to what was happening to him, when he responded to this in a very favourable way it just made it even more fun.

This was the first time I’d ever ventured into doing the dirty talk myself and I realised that when it happens naturally and because both people are super turned on and really into it, dirty talk can be a whole lot of sexy fun.

I’m Ready To Be Yours

Well … Bakji’s, should the mood take him during a scene where I bottoming. All the trust, affection and feels I have for Bakji means that even my feeling surround ‘mine’ type kinky talk has changed. It absolutely would get me going if he called me dirty names during a scene, slut for example would be a winner, ‘my slut’ would probably enhance the situation rather than send it backwards as it would have done in previous encounters.

Essentially all the things I would have hated to hear in previous sexual/kink relationships would probably work for me in a scene with Bakji. I think this is a testament to the chemistry we have together and how much healthier my view of sex is these days. Most of all I think communication between the two of us has got us to the point where I know 100% he ‘gets me’ and if I hear words starting to leave his mouth I don’t have to prepare for them to be an instant turn off.

Dirty Talk Doesn’t Equal Expletive Filth

As anyone who as every read my erotica will know I’m not against filthy prose filled with expletives as a way to turn people on. I’ve used this tactic many times in my writing and it works beautifully, sometimes. Sometimes though I am a bit more subtle, the sexy is sensual and suggestive, caressing of curves rather than fucking of tits. I think the same can be said for real life dirty talk.

You need to know your audience and have a handle on what the desire is for any given moment of itimacy. I think of all the sexual interests and kinks there are this is one that will really highlight just how different we all are. I know some people who thrive on dirty talk, the dirtier the better, all the time, in all scenes with all partners, subtle and seductive be damned, they want the hard cock, dirty cunt, filthy bitch experience to satiate their desires. Others are going to revel in the silence, where every breath is a whisper and each moan of pleasure is the dirtiest word there is.

I think wherever you fall on the dirty talk spectrum all approaches are valid and super sexy, so long as the person into whose ear you are whispering those dirty somethings is going to be getting of on them as much as you are.

3 thoughts on “[Sex & Kink] Do I Like It Dirty?

  1. I feel much the same. Dirty talk used to be both a turn off and difficult for me to do without extreme discomfort and embarrassment. With the right person though…anything can be hot.

  2. Love this… so thoughtful. I have been asked to Do the dirty talking and it can make me very uncomfortable, unless as you stated so eloquently here, it is with the right person, right situation, trust and communication make everything better!

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