I first had sex when I was 16. At 16 I was giving orgasms, receiving, not orgasms, but certainly, lots of sexual enjoyment and activity wise I was exploring all the things I wanted to. If I told people about the first few years of my sexual history though and then asked them when I first had sex they would probably say when I was 19.
At the age of 19 I engaged in Penis in Vagina Sex (PIV) for the first time. I had PIV sex for the first time with my 3rd sexual partner. If I stood my ground and stated that I had sex for the first time at 16, I’d often get a response similar to ‘you did sex things at 16, but you lost your virginity at 19.’ There is nothing about this logic that doesn’t annoy me.
Before I get to why virginity as a concept drives me nuts, I want to focus on why the enforced view of my virginity being lost at 19 is personally offensive to me. It completely invalidates the sexual experiences I’ve had with other women. The tone of voice that always accompanied that opinion was one of ‘you had proper sex at 19’, with a healthy dose of ‘come on you must agree’ thrown in for good measure when they realise I’m furious. I do not under any circumstances agree.
I am really sorry to burst the bubble of people who believe that PIV sex is the holy grail of sexual activity, but it really isn’t. It can be wonderful, incredibly satisfying and I a big fan of it. It isn’t the ‘proper way’ though, and whether or not a woman has engaged her vagina with a penis does not have any bearing on her worth as a person. Or her validity as a sexual being.
The concept of virginity is honestly laughable in this day and age, originally devised to keep women in line and make them a more marketable commodity. Don’t believe me, look it up. It links women’s morality with their purity, are we good, decent women? Only if you haven’t engaged in one of the most natural and basic biological functions there is. If we are pure, chaste and moral then we can be married off to a man of good standing, earn our fathers a dowry and place no further burden on the family in which we were born into. Men though? Well, they can fuck as many women as they like and it makes them better, not worse! That was the view in times gone by and sadly is truer now than it has any right to be.
When I ‘lost’ my ‘virginity’ I honestly gave zero fucks about what that meant to some of society. As I say I’d been getting it on with ladies for 3 years, swinging between Lesbian and Bisexual on the sexuality spectrum and just felt like giving it a go with a man. I’d spent a long time being mildly repulsed/incredibly terrified of what I’d do with a penis and having moved past that I was more curious and yes aroused by having a guy fuck me.
My first experience of PIV was alright, it was enjoyable enough, but it honestly did not change my world. I did it a few more times with that guy over a couple of weeks and then he got deported, so that solved the problem of how to break up with him. Unfortunately, he was definitely the type of man to believe in virginity and also in the concept that you’re either gay or straight, so he’s probably spent the last 15 years telling his version of events as ‘that time he fucked a lesbian and turned her straight.’ Bleurgh!
The main thing I took away from my interactions with him was that I was definitely bisexual and relationships with guys were definitely an option. I didn’t feel any different though and I certainly didn’t feel like I’d ‘lost’ anything. Every sexual moment I had with that particular chap meant very little, it was an act of curiosity and exploration.
Compare that to the first sexual moments I had with a fellow school friend when I was 16 and things are vastly different. I was madly in love with her. The first love kind of love, the one that never seems to die, despite the years passing and the heartache it caused. It was intense and surreal and sex with her was an extension of the emotions I felt.
When I first had sex with her I did lose something, mostly my sanity and my heart. Her body seemed like magic to me and lying with her was the most wonderful feeling. I adored every second of seeing her flesh for the first time and being free to touch her and bring her pleasure was the most thrilling of times.
Yet society thinks those experiences are less valid and less authentic than my first PIV experience, while at the same time telling us we should be waiting for ‘the one’ and saving ourselves for ‘someone special’, but if your someone special is the same sex as you then you’ll forever be ‘technically a virgin’.
Having watched gay men go at it in a bathroom stall, knowing they never had, and never intended to fuck a woman, I can confirm there is nothing virginal about that setup. The absence of a vagina does not equal virginity for life for gay men. Likewise, the absence of a dick in a vagina does not equal virginity for Lesbians.
Virginity is about heterosexual sex and more than that it’s about the wants and whims of heterosexual men. Do not misunderstand me, I am not hating on heterosexual men as a generalised group, but unfortunately, there is so much misogyny and patriarchal nonsense tied in with the concept of virginity that it is almost impossible as a woman in 2019 not to rage against the subset of men that would still have virginity matter if they could.
I have very purposely written this with regards to the culture and society that I am part of. Not because I think other cultures are irrelevant, if anything some of them may be even more relevant to the virginity discussion than my own experience. I think however wading into those discussions it a much bigger blog post than I am able to write at the moment and should probably be done by someone far more knowledgable than I.
In summary, I think the concept of virginity is outdated and needs to be done away with and my own virginity pretty much never existed for me and I proceeded with sexual activities just for funsies.
I was inspired to write this post after reading ‘Discarding My Virginity’ by Morag at Moist Musings. Her post was a lot sexier and much less ranty than mine. If you think your virginity tale is sext like Morag’s or you think your rant on the subject can rival mine, why not share your thoughts on virginity too. If you’ve already written about it, or do so in the future, you’re more than welcome to leave a link in the comments, I’d love to read my readers views on the matter.
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