I had multiple ideas for the before and after prompt. Some fictional. Some fact, some sexy, some not. Most of the ones based on personal experiences are long since past, while the after maybe still remain in my life in terms of being part of my life experience it isn’t ongoing as such. Then I was lost down a rabbit hole of music on YouTube and Spotify and I came across a song that got me thinking about before and after where the after is still very much my present and I decided that should be my post for this week.
It’s factual. It’s honest. It’s emotional. It’s lovey-dovey and it’s a lot of things I never really take the time to say, to myself or anyone else.
I remember waking up one day and feeling utterly lost in my life, I didn’t recognise the world I’d built for myself and so I destroyed it. In a move that was completely selfish, I broke up my marriage, turned my back on the family life we’d taken so long to create and decided to start all over again by myself. With my child, of course, as a woman and a Mother is always seems important to state I didn’t abandon my child. At least not physically. Emotionally though? Yeah, I was pretty checked out for about a year. He was fed, watered, well looked after and loved, but I wasn’t into being a Mum at all.
I told myself so many lies (because the truth was painful) to justify why I did what I did and I why I felt the way I did, but deep down the guilt I felt was immeasurable and in the face of the hurt I’d caused and the wreckage I left in my wake I realised I couldn’t allow myself to have nice things and I especially couldn’t allow myself to have the nicest of nice things, love, happiness and peace of mind.
I spoke about ‘My Kinky Roots’ in a previous post and one of the things I didn’t explore was using kink to feel something, anything, so long as it was not love and so long as it wasn’t truly mine. I ventured into non-monogamy as a Unicorn, and not for the right reasons. I saw being a unicorn as being expendable and temporary, which is all I thought I deserved. I wanted to punish myself for so much. Fur hurt I’d caused, for losses I’d suffered. My ‘logic’ in those early days does a massive disservice to both kink and non-monogamy, I’ve come a long way since then in my understanding of both.
I was so sad, my heart was broken and my poor brain didn’t know how to process all the emotions I was feeling and I didn’t even know how bad it was! Only looking back can I see what a pickle I was in.
I appreciate the before seems pretty bleak, but it was what it was and I’m not sharing to wallow in it, garner any kind of sympathy or receive permission all of what I did was okay (because believe me, it wasn’t). I’m sharing because my story isn’t unique and I want anyone who has been through or is going through similar to know they are not alone.
I’m not the kind of girl who wants someone to rescue me and don’t believe I was broken or that I needed fixing. I did need a new perspective though and I wasn’t really in a position to provide that for myself at the time. I do believe I would have got myself there eventually, but I am very grateful to have had someone else encouraged me to get there quicker.
Kink isn’t a punishment once he’s arrived in my life. It’s fun and it’s flirty. When we’re not doing kink he makes me laugh because he’s absolutely absurd sometimes and tells me the most hilarious stories. I warn myself right there and then to be careful, it’s okay to like him, he’s a cool friend and fun play partner but I knew I had to watch it for the sneaky ‘L Word’ and for once I don’t mean Lesbian.
I’ve got my wits about me and we’re having all the fun and bit by bit my brain is shifting and I’m getting happier and I worry if I’m being ‘fixed’ but then I realise it’s more a case of seeing the world through his eyes while I’m with him and that shines a light on how fucked up my viewpoint has got.
We never say it, not for a long time, but it doesn’t take long for me to realise I feel loved and appreciate and like I’m worth something. Definitely worth much more than I’d been allowing myself to believe and I realise I’ve been so very cruel to myself.
This strange, beautiful friendship with no labels and no expectations was giving me permission to love myself again, to dare to dream, to set goals and stop seeing myself as those few mistakes or tough choices that I made. This was good. Falling in love with myself. So good. Entirely appropriate and just the right sort of love to find.
We have sleepovers, eat dinners, go on adventures, do kinky things, talk about serious stuff and silly stuff, plan a podcast, start a podcast and all the while I’m wondering just how in love you have to be before you finally admit it.
Seriously what is the deal with this love business! It’s a right sneaky fucker.
Love, happiness, giggles, sexy times, kinky times, Fetish event adventures, Non-monogamous dalliances, more eating, more sleepovers, more podcasts, new and exciting plans all of this is my after with Bakji.
As I said it is an after that I still get to live every day. The me before Bakji has been allowed to chill the fuck out and fix herself. As in she’s fixed her crown, fixed her makeup, pulled on killer heels and kick-ass Latex and remembered that there’s a life to live and nobody is living their best life being that hard on themselves.
As is now abundantly clear I freakin’ love Bakji, but I don’t need him to survive, I’d be sad if we parted ways but I know 100% he is not what keeps this girl going. I am, however, and always will be, grateful to him for lending me his logic, his viewpoint and the safe space in which to get myself back on track.
Love is a strange and wonderful thing and I don’t think we have enough vocabulary in the English language to do it justice. I love Bakji in a myriad of different ways and only one of them is the scary ‘who’ll say it first kind’.
I was a fool to think I could stop myself falling for him once, in reality, I fell for him in a thousand different ways and continue to so as our adventure together continues.
And for those that are wondering, the song that inspired this post? This beautiful version of a truly awesome song …
Inspired by this weeks Wicked Wednesday prompt of ‘Before and After’.