[Relationships] My Motivation for Non-Monogamy

This past weekend we had two extra sets of hands to aid with our sexy fun and no matter how far along the non-monogamy journey I go, these kinds of experiences are always something I find myself reflecting on in much greater detail than I do our one-on-one experiences.

After our wonderful friends had left after their weekend with us, myself and Bakji recorded an episode of ProudToBeKinky all about what we got up to with them. Later on in the evening, someone asked Bakji on our Discord chat (for podcast listeners to chat about the show and ask questions) what the difference was for him between non-monogamy and Polyamory. I explore the answer to that question in ‘Beneath the Umbrella of Non-Monogamy’.

One of the things I always circle back round to when reflecting on non-mono experiences and when answering questions about it is friendship. When people who aren’t in the know about non-monogamous lifestyles imagine what our number one motivation is for being non-monogamous I suspect sex, and lots of it is the main reason they suspect for our deviation from monogamy.

While sex and multiple sexual partners are indeed part of non-monogamy, for some people, it isn’t a definite and it certainly might not look how those outside the lifestyle would expect. It’s also worth noting that many a-sexual folks are non-monogamous, and sex is unlikely to be their motivation for that and if I am entirely honest, sex isn’t my motivation for exploring non-monogamy either and it certainly isn’t the reason that I’ve come to feel comfortable identifying as non-monogamous.

When we were playing this weekend, and also afterwards when we were discussing our experiences for the podcast my overwhelming feeling was one of warm affection for the friendships that I have and how they provide certain things for me that I couldn’t really explore within a monogamous relationship. Which is not a reflection on monogamy itself or on any partner I have previously been monogamous with, it is very much a reflection on who I am as a person and how I approach physical contact.

For reasons unknown to myself, and to anyone who knows me, I am not a very tactile person. There is to my knowledge no awful truth to be discovered about this, it’s just who I am and how I’ve always been. It is, however, something I only really became aware of when I joined the kink community and something I chose to address for my own benefit because hugs and physical touch are actually very pleasant and it seems that more of them in my life makes me smile. Which is always a good thing.

Bakji was the first person that I really began to enjoy hugs with, I cuddle and snuggle with him in ways I don’t do with anyone else. I am however comfortable and so familiar with him that I can’t really push my comfort level when it comes to physical closeness with him. Which is why non-monogamous friendships are a blessing for me.

The friends we played with at the weekend are friends we have played with a few times now, both in private and at events and I always come away from our interactions with them feeling like I have been well nourished. I shall call them Mr. Friend and Ms. Friend for the remainder of this post, because privacy matters.

If the enjoyment of physical touch is a spectrum, I suspect that I would be at one end and Mr. Friend would be at the other. He is so beautifully responsive to touch in a way that I am likely to never understand, it is a joy to behold though and as someone who thrives on the reactions I can garner in a play partner it is fascinating to see someone respond to such a seemingly simple stimulus.

There was a lot of opportunities to discover how various people react to physical touch over the weekend as our play started with coconut oil massages. This is something we first did as a foursome last year at an organised event and it is an activity that I enjoy more than I would ever have imagined. I can’t tolerate massages from strangers, and even being massaged by friends gets me giggly and feeling a little awkward. Having people who I feel comfortable enough to get past that with though is awesome, and relaxing into it and then being lost beneath three sets of hands is amazing.

It feels good to be touched. It feels wonderful to explore a sensation that for many people is a ‘go-to pleasure’ that for many years I was happy to avoid or experience very infrequently. It is even better doing that with people who listen to my thoughts on the matter but are happy to go there with me regardless. It does push my boundaries being physically open with more than just Bakji, but I love that I have people to do that with.

There is another sense that I enjoy exploring with friends too and another one that I could never have imagined enjoying so much. Sight. Not sight in and of itself, because I am grateful for that gift on the daily. More specifically enjoying the sight of other people playing, and especially watching Bakji play or be played with.

We have played with Ms. Friend both as a foursome and as a threesome, and while I always feel like my presence in play is welcomed and most enjoyable to all of us, I quite often find myself holding back a little, for no other reason than I enjoy seeing her and Bakji interact together. It probably helps that I find them both super sexy, it definitely runs deeper than that though. Watching Bakji’s expressions as he finds pleasure is awesome, being able to witness that pleasure being found with someone I know he’s into and who makes my fanny go tingly too is just all kinds of feel-good fun.

It’s not just about Bakji’s pleasure though. There’s a real pleasure for me in seeing sexy things happening to my friends. At one point Ms. Friend was receiving finger pleasure from both the fellas present and like a total perv I was just running my hands up and down her body, my eyes looking down at the action and it felt so good. I could see sex, smell sex and feel sex, even though at that time I was technically not on the receiving end of anything.

I think it’s also worth pointing out that no one had P.I.V (Penis in Vagina) sex. Which again is something that I suspect many people imagine is the go-to action for those of us who are non-monogamous. The truth is very few of my non-monogamous encounters involve P.I.V, in part because many of them involve people without penises! More than that though, many of my non-monogamous encounters don’t involve sexual activity at all, or they involve levels of sexual activity that some people might consider ‘tame’.

What non-monogamy is for me predominantly is an avenue of exploring friendships in a way I was never able to before, but in a way that feels more authentic to me and perhaps explains why I’ve never felt overly connected to non-kink friends in the way I do my kinky friends. That’s not to say that play is a prerequisite for being friends with me, it absolutely isn’t, but kink and non-monogamy allow a level of openness and honesty that allow my friendships to flourish in a more natural way.

This is very much my own personal take on why non-monogamy works for me. It may not reflect the personal thoughts of those involved and certainly will not be reflective of all non-monogamous people and it is in no way intended to cast judgement on people who do things differently to myself.


I very much enjoy being inspired by the prompts provided for Wicked Wednesday, but one of the lovely things about getting involved is that like this post you can go off prompt and still join in with the Wicked Wednesday fun and share your thoughts with all your Wicked Wednesday friends.

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7 thoughts on “[Relationships] My Motivation for Non-Monogamy”

  1. Interesting read Floss – I wish I could let go of my insecurities to delve into non-monogamy as I don’t think monogamy is a great model really – but I have never got to that place – the more I read the more I think about it though. Thats a good thing – learning about how others live etc 😉

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  2. I so enjoyed reading about your sexy fun Floss. (Beautifully and sensitively written.) It is not somrething I have ever known and I must say I am a little envious of your pleasure. x

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  3. I love your self-reflection in this and also the way you experience your non-monogamy. I am polyamorous, but there are relationships I have that don’t fit neatly into any description, romantic-ish friendships, holding hands with a female friend, snuggling with a male friend- that if I wasn’t under that “non-monogamous umbrella” I would not be able to have and I cherish these relationships very much. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  4. This is a great post, and I particularly like that you mentioned that PIV sex doesn’t always have to take place. And watching is often as good as participating!

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  5. The times that I have been involved in threesomes and moresomes I, too, have enjoyed just being there, inhaling the sexy atmosphere and feelings from everyone, watching their pleasure, as much as being an active participant.

    I, too, have varying reasons for being non-monogamous, but I don’t think I ever really thought of this part of it: being able to explore friendships in non-traditional (not necessarily sexual) ways. I really like that.

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