[Life] My Kinky Roots

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Content Warning: Abortion/Medical Termination/Baby Loss. Please do not read this if any of those subject matters are triggering for you. This is not a graphic post, but I suspect it will be very emotive for many people. 

If you’ve ever listened to the Off the Cuffs Podcast (OCPKink), you will hear them ask their guests about their ‘Radioactive Spider Bite into Kink’. I won’t lie, I am incredibly bitter that they thought of phrasing this question that way, but they are ridiculously awesome guys, so I’ll let them off. It is endlessly fascinating to hear how we all have vastly different reasons for identifying as kinky.

I have answered that question myself, not only on OCPKink (find me on episode 49), but also on my own podcast ProudToBeKinky, and probably here on the blog a few times as well. My answer goes somewhat like this …

“I read Fifty Shades of Grey (please don’t hate me), realised a lot of the content turned me on, realised a lot of the content was probably bullshit and found myself in places like the Lovehoney Forum (when it was good) and Fetlife. Thus began my journey into kink.”

None of that is a lie. It does however omit, the reason I think I was suddenly, out of nowhere susceptible to these new things.  It is I think a vital part of my kink roots, but one it is not easy to talk about, nor easy for people to hear about.

Before I begin I want to outline the kind of person I was before my interests in kink developed. I wasn’t kinky, at all, I liked sex but didn’t love it. I was happily monogamous, happy being a wife and mother. I had a very domestic life and I loved it. It wasn’t perfect, but it was my not perfect and that worked for me. The man I was married to was and still is a wonderful man, and an unbelievably good Father and is still a very supportive friend of mine and I love him dearly.

Our son that we have together was four years in the making, and eventually came our way with a small amount of medical assistance to get my ovaries working, as it appeared they had gone to sleep and decided I didn’t need baby making eggs each month. When we decided to try and conceive a sibling for him we were delighted to fall pregnant within a few months. A few months after it taking so long the first time was incredible.

Here is the first of many confessions; in my gut I never believed I was going to have that baby. I wanted him so badly, but I constantly felt like I was going to miscarry. I didn’t though, I made it to my twelve week scan and even though I’d had that gut feeling, I was in no way prepared for way came next.

At my 12 weeks scan I was 13 weeks pregnant. At that scan, I was told my baby had Holoprosencephaly.

Holoprosencephaly (HPE) is a cephalic disorder in which the prosencephalon (the forebrain of the embryo) fails to develop into two hemispheres. Normally, the forebrain is formed and the face begins to develop in the fifth and sixth weeks of human pregnancy. – From Google

Thus began three weeks of testing, waiting and unbelievable heartache. The final diagnosis was that my baby had Patua Sydrome.

Patau syndrome is a syndrome caused by a chromosomal abnormality, in which some or all of the cells of the body contain extra genetic material from chromosome 13. The extra genetic material disrupts normal development, causing multiple and complex organ defects.

That was five years ago, even in that short time the statistics for survival of Patau’s have increased dramatically. When I was given that news I was told my baby was ‘incompatible with life’. Prior to this moment I didn’t think heartbreak was a real thing. I’d had break ups and I’d even grieved the loss of close family members including my Mum. But nothing, nothing in the world has ever broken me as much as hearing those words.

Between myself and my husband at the time, we decided to have a medical termination. The feelings I have surrounding that are so complex, that I cannot fit them into this post. For anyone reading who says ‘I don’t know how a mother could do that’, pray to every God there is that you never have to find out if you would make that decision.

I won’t give details of the type of termination I chose to have, but I will say that I was able to look at my baby, I have pictures of him and I have teeny tiny hand and foot prints from him. I think it is probably goes without saying that hormone fluctuations are huge when it comes to beginning a pregnancy and ending a pregnancy, no matter how the beginning and end come about.

It was then, in the midst of those crazy hormones that I found myself discovering the world of kink. I think the reason I developed my kinks is because I was subjected to them at a time when hormones were all over the place, the same school of thought as to why many people are thought to develop kinks in puberty.

Once the thought of kink had taken hold, alongside the changes that occurred due to the loss of my baby, I started to change into a whole new person.

You can disagree with my theory, if you do I’d respectfully ask you to keep your thoughts to yourself, for reasons that should be glaringly obvious, the fact of the matter is though, I am unrecognisable to myself in many ways, when I compare myself to the person I was before my termination and before discovering kink.

Some might say it was coincidence, that I must always have been kinky but just didn’t know, and that might be true, there are certainly instances that support that theory. That doesn’t change the fact that in my head, and in my heart my interest in kink and the loss of my baby go hand in hand. I am certain that if my baby had been healthy and I’d continued with my pregnancy I wouldn’t have gone on the nosedive into kink that I did and I also doubt very much that I would have left my husband.

The roots of my kink being are perhaps not that happy and yes I am sad that my marriage ended and I did got get to be a Mummy to not one beautiful boy but two. I’d be lying if I said wonderful things hadn’t come from that wreckage though. My life now is one I never imagined I’d have, but it is full of adventure and amazing people and I am so grateful for that.

I think I am where I am meant to be, I don’t why I had to go through the heartache I did to get here, but I believe in my heart that for whatever reason life is unfolding the way it should. I also know that many of us have kinks and fetishes that aren’t always that easy to explain, sometimes we explore things because they compliment something inside us that has previously hurt us or caused us upset. That isn’t always easy for people to understand, and will cause many people to say we shouldn’t be exploring our kinks, exploring with understanding, and is a risk aware and consensual manner can often be the key to moving on for some of us.

I love my kinks and I love writing about them and talking about them with my readers, my listeners and my friends. It is probably odd for many people to imagine how often I think of that little baby I never got to bring home when discussing and writing about my kinks. Thinking about him though means never forgetting him, and I intend for that never to happen, he was sent to me, though it was all to brief, but he did in someway send me on a new adventure, and it feels right to remember him along the way.

Disclaimers:

I will not publish any comments that are hateful or shaming against people who have abortions, no matter what their reason is, so don’t bother leaving them, they won’t ever see the light of day.

If anyone is affected in anyway by traumatic events that they feel would benefit from therapy I urge them to seeks professional assistance. I am no way advocating kink as standalone therapy. It has however proven therapeutic and cathartic for me.

If you have been affected by Antenatal results in a similar way, and have not visited ARC I highly recommend them.

This is my personal experience and I am no way casting judgements on how or why YOU might be kinky. That is your blog post to write.


This was inspired by this weeks Wicked Wednesday prompt, I realise it isn’t a very sexy post from me this week, but I guarantee you will find some serious sexy if you check out the other posts in the link up.

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Who else is being Wicked this Wednesday?

2019-Help.pngIf you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi. All support through Ko-fi is going towards my Eroticon attendance in March. 

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

32 thoughts on “[Life] My Kinky Roots”

  1. It upsets them more when we own our trauma. We are supposed to be the victims they prescribe us to be.
    Well this coyote is a bit defective, albeit mighty cute to lady folk

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sending love. No-one should judge and everyone has a personal story of how they get to each stage in their life. I’m sick of people making assumptions about why I am where I am and who I am. Your story is a powerful one. Thank you for sharing it.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This is such an interesting post Floss and I am really pleased that you chose to share something so private with us. You have been really open in sharing how you found your roots in kink and I hope that those who comment are respectful of that. Although my own experience was completely different, I can understand the changes in hormones being a potential for how you feel. Having a realisation of an interest in something at the same time as those huge physical and emotional changes could quite believably change your course. I am pleased that it also makes you feel closer to your little boy. Although really upsetting to learn of how difficult things have been for you, I enjoyed reading your post. Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment Missy 🙂 Sharing has been worth every word written due to the overwhelming kindness of the comments I have received. I am feeling very lucky to have found such a lovely online community to share my thoughts with x

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m so sorry you had to go through that Floss and like Missy said, I hope anyone else who comments regarding how you found your beginnings in kink is respectful. Going through something like that can make us realise a lot about ourselves in whatever way that is. Take care and thank you for taking the time to share this with us 💝 x

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I can very much see how that may happen – as far as I am concerned you did the right thing and I want to hug you as it must have been such an emotional and difficult choice for you. I am sure in some ways it has made you stronger but is something u will always think about. I am a believer that everything happens for a reason x thank you for sharing x

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thank you so much, Floss, for sharing something so intimate and private with us, and I am so sorry you had to go through this! No matter where your kink comes from and whether it was in you before or not, like you said, this is your story, things you have gone through and discovered, and I appreciate you writing about it.

    Rebel xox

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your support and for providing the prompt and the space for me to share, it’s been a post I’ve wanted to write for sometimes, but I never felt like I had the right starting point. ‘Roots’ just seemed to fit perfectly though. x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Anyone who judges you for this needs a smack upside the head in my opinion. The options you faced were both agony and no one makes a decision like that lightly. I can also totally see how the timing could totally be a factor but the thing which really made me smile is that you feel that it was all meant to be in some way. I think that is such a healthy and strong response

    Mollyx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Bless you, thank you so much Molly. It took me a while to get to the healthy place, but I’m glad I did, my friends in the kink community , and further along the blogging community played a huge part in that, and it’s one of the reasons I champion both so frequently x

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Floss – you have showed me so much bravery in the short time I have known you – this is a very honest and open post about something which was and probably still is very painful and personal to you. How wonderful to have those momentos that you were able to gather of your little boy. Not having been in your shoes, or anything close to the experiences, I can only guess, but my guess is that I would’ve made the same decision. I am sorry the aftermath cost you your marriage, however I am glad that you found a new focus and that your new focus (kink) has lifted you up and helped you re-invent yourself to the feisty, fun and tuned-into-your-libido person we know and love. Your followers benefit from your guidance, your spirit, your sense of fun and your energy. Don’t lose it, I think it is a very fitting tribute to the memory of that little soul you carry in your heart. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for such a lovely and supportive comment Posy, I must admit I got a little teary reading it. It was scary sharing, because it is so intensely personal, and he is normally such a private part of my being, but as always my wonderful readers and friends are making me realise I did the right thing in sharing x

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I get that entirely – so I’m glad we came up with the right support when u needed it. Twitter can be flippant or brutal- but not usually in OUR little corner! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so sorry you had to make that brutally difficult decision. I likely would have made the same choice. But losing a child is such an unimaginable horror. I wish you peace. The decision had to be made. It appears one casualty of this was your marriage. But you remain friends—a positive!
    A male friend of mine was trying to have a child with his wife. They tried for years. She had several miscarriages. But finally she became pregnant and made it past the first trimester. They were cautiously optimistic but she miscarried again around 6 months. I stood in our office and ended up holding this huge man as he literally fell apart in my arms. Besides his grief over the loss of his child, he was also afraid of losing his wife. Thankfully they finally managed to have a child a couple of years later and their marriage remains strong to this day. Still, that level of loss and stress can wreak havoc on lives. All the best Floss! You are a bit like a phoenix rising from the ashes and soaring beautifully through the skies!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for a kind and supportive response. I think we often forget about the men who are affected by a loss like this, it is absolutely brutal for both Mother and Father. I am pleased to hear your friend and his wife have a happy ending to their struggles, that always puts a smile on my face 🙂 xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Thank you for sharing your story Floss, I’m also sorry to find out you had this incredibly painful and life changing decision to make, and I hope the beautiful and precious mementos you have from your angel give you some comfort.

    I too suffered a loss not long before we started or exploration into kink and D/s, ours was unexpected and had been actively prevented, but my coil failed and the first I knew was expecting was also at the time we discovered we were also losing the pregnancy. I can relate in some small way as to how such things can create a new or at least different path. Thank you again xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading, and for such a thoughtful comment. I’m sorry to hear you suffered a loss too. I think despite there being differences the emotions you go through can be incredibly similar, it is never easy that’s for sure xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I think you’re amazing for writing and sharing this. You went through such a traumatic experience, but your outlook is so healthy. I hope others who have dealt with similar find this post. I am so sorry you went through this, but I am glad you found who you were and a passion that will probably be with you forever.
    Aurora x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Aurora, for both reading and for such a lovely comment. It really does mean so much to me to have so many wonderful and lovely bloggers offering such kindness xx

      Like

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