Apologies for the terrible pun of title, but I couldn’t resist when I decided to use this photo off Pixabay for my featured image.
One of the most recurring topics of conversation about how to do kink ‘right’ is about communication. What kinks people have and how they enjoy them is 100% down to their personal preferences, provided of course that they are engaging in them with other consenting adults. For many of us though good communication is a fundamental part of exploring kink. What ‘good’ looks like may indeed vary from person to person, and I think like myself and Bakji, your ‘good’ becomes better over time, and your old ‘good’ looks a little lacking.
Myself and Bakji have grown together in terms of improving our communication and honestly it has been one of the most rewarding parts of our sexy-friendship. Neither of us were great at face to face discussions in the early days, and that meant finding more creative ways of sharing our thoughts with each other.
Initially we each filled out a Fetish Checklist swapping over once we’d completed them. What we found though was that it took a couple of revisions before we actually reached full disclosure with them, because no one wants to be the one who gets the ‘oh you’re into that’ comment. While a Fetish Checklist is a great way to begin, and I recommend that course of action to a lot of people. As time moved on we needed something that would allow for a more back and forth type of communication, and would allow us to share images and more in deoth thoughts.
As regular listeners of the podcast will know, this led to our sexy Trello Fetish. Trello is a project management app, that we, and for sure a few other kinksters have taken and corrupted with our perverted ways. Recently we combined it with an idea I saw on Twitter and it has been a roaring success.
Lots of writers have been sharing their A-Z of their writing on Twitter and while I loved the idea, I really couldn’t be arsed doing it for myself! However, I saw it had the potential for some homework for Bakji. Thus commenced our A-Z of kink on Trello. Bakji was instructed to think of a kink for each letter of the alphabet. They could be new ones, or twists on favourites ones, or just reiterating how much he loved something. The deal was that once he had done his, I was respond with my own, but I would make sure that each of my letters was different to his.
People often get in touch asking us what our Trello boards consist of, how we organise them and what kind of things we put on them, so I thought this might be a good time to share a little of how it works for us and what it looks like.
One of the things I love about using Trello is that it allows for an ongoing discussing about our kinky fun, without derailing into day to day discussions. That’s not to say our Whatsapp conversation doesn’t sometimes derail into sexy chat, it absolutely does, but I’m okay with it happening that way round.
Within Trello you create ‘boards’ and on those boards you create ‘lists’ and within those lists you add ‘cards’. You can also add other Trello users to the same board so you can collaborate and share ideas. I’m sure you can see now why this is a great tool for project management. For people who use Pinterest is akin to creating a Pinterest board and saving relevant images to it. In the picture on the left you can see my list of Trello boards, the one that isn’t obscured is the sexy board Bakji and I created for our Kinky fun.
Over the years that we have been using Trello our lists on the board have changed. Some have been deleted entirely, some have merged together and some could probably do with a spring clean. To give you an idea of what kind of things we share on there I have selected some of the lists that I created for Bakji to peruse and you can see them in the image below. With each of the cards on the list you can open them up and respond to them or add additional attachments to it. This is great when suggesting kinky ideas because it means you can begin a dialogue about the kink or scene in question.
As our time together progresses as do our kinks. Another reason we both find Trello useful is that it takes away the sometimes awkward feeling of suggesting a potentially more niche kink. Even though we have never had cause to doubt each other in terms of how we respond to one another’s ideas, it can still be nerve wracking to announce that new thought behind a kink, especially if it’s one that was previously a limit, or just one you’d written off as not for you.
Reading something, as opposed to hearing it, also gives you more processing time, and therefore a better chance of offering a measured response. Quite often while we are mulling over a new suggestion the other has made, we actually discover for ourselves that we have our reasons to want to give said kink a try, or through thinking on that idea we discover something else to put forward as well.
With the A-Z of kink we probably found at least 3 new scene ideas, a handful of new things to try and lot of reinforcement of things we just love so much we do them regularly and want to keep doing them for always.
One of my pet peeves is that as soon as we reach a certain age the only acceptable form of communication seems to be face to face. You know what though, some of us are just plain awkward and it takes a little time for us to be comfortable discussing certain things. Some people have had bad experience with confiding things in a partner face to face, and therefore doing so just fills them with dread. Also it’s easy to get caught up in other conversations and before you know it it’s been years and you still haven’t discussed what could end up be a well received kink.
Why not find ways of communicating that work for our specific dynamics? Myself and Bakji talk endlessly about all kinds of stuff, daft things, serious things, sexy things, kinky things, but one of the joyful things we’ve discovered is that our Trello boards encourages more conversation and more kinky explorations and to my mind that is definitely a good thing.
I’ve posted about communication before, and possibly even about Trello, but it comes up so often that it is worth repeating. There is so much that might make your kink explorations better, but I defy anyone to disagree that good communication can make wondrous things happen, and poor communication can not only hold you back but can be detrimental not only to a kink dynamic, but to any relationship and could potentially be not just emotional damaging but in the case of some kinks could lead to physical issues too.
I guarantee someone will think the above paragraph contains a slight ‘Drama Queen’ element to it, I promise you though that I have seen enough poor communication to last me a lifetime and I have seen the emotional fallout and physical scars on people to highlight to me that the statement I made above is entirely accurate. Communication and negotiation is an ongoing and crucial part of exploring our kinks in a consensual and risk aware manner.
I am sharing this as part of Masturbation Monday and I know Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are no strangers to Trello either, so if you do ever decide to give it a go you are definitely in good company. #ProudToBeKinky and Loving BDSM saying something is great, then it definitely must be true.
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