[Kink] Is BDSM Curious a Valid Kink?

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The wonderful Posy Churchgate wrote a piece for this week’s Masturbation Monday called ‘Under My Thumb.’ At the end of the piece, which I found to be a very thought provoking read, and while I began to comment on her post directly, I feel that my thoughts might be suited to some of my readers here.

 

Can You Be ‘BDSM Curious’?

“Since joining the kink community which surrounds the Twitter sex bloggers, I have begun to refer to myself as BDSM curious.  I don’t know if it’s an actual ‘thing’ …” – Posy Churchgate

I would say 80% of the people I have come into contact with since joining the kink community started out as BDSM curious. Many of us head along to our first much, event or embark on our first BDSM tryst thinking we know what we want, wondering if we really do know what we want and ultimately discovering it doesn’t matter if we know what we want on . There is plenty of time and ways to discover what kind of kinks and dynamics we might be into.

In fact I don’t think any of us, even the people who have been at the BDSM thing a long time ever stop being BDSM curious. There always new things to discover and explore. I know I am not alone in being endlessly fascinated by other people’s kinks.

Can Curious Kitties Come to a Munch?

Posy goes on to mention being middle aged and in a long term monogamous relationship are potential reasons why she doubts she will ever venture into the kink scene for real. I can’t call judgement on people’s individual circumstances, but I can’t comment on the vast variety of people I’ve met on the kink scene.

From 18 – 80, the age range is incredibly varied. Some people join the community the moment they come of age, some of us as 30 is fast approaching (that would be me), others venture along in their 60’s, having finally decided to explore kinks they have long harboured desires for.

Single people, couples, polyamorous people, monogamous people I’ve met them all within the kink community. Many of us shift along the spectrum as our time on the kink scene grows. Relationships evolve and change, often they end and new ones begin.

Your age, relationship status, or level of experience is rarely* an issue at a munch. The only real prerequisite is that you are accepting of BDSM. I have met more than one person at a munch who have just come to talk to people in case they’re into it, some have returned, some haven’t. Us kinksters love to talk though, and we love new people, so you are guaranteed a warm welcome at the majority* of munches.

* I say rarely and majority because as with all things in life there’s always the few who spoil it for the many, and if you’ve had a crappy experience me saying it’s all sweetness and light will just be insanely annoying!

Do You Have To Do BDSM With a Partner?

“What I have begun to wonder is … am I a submissive, but to a dominant side of my own personality?” – Posy Churchgate

I don’t think Bakji will mind me saying that the majority of his BDSM experience before he joined the kink community was with himself. Engaging in self bondage and indulging in other kink activities alone was how he discovered a lot of what he was into, and as a result is why we have successfully explored many of those kinks together.

While he did, to my joy, go onto join the kink scene and embrace in his kinks with other people, it doesn’t take away from the exploration he did alone. For many people their kinks are an incredibly private thing and they often don’t want to explore that with anyone, not even a partner.

Everyone will have their own thoughts on this, but for me so long as indulging in kinks on your own is not having an adverse affect on your relationships with others, then I see know harm in kinks being an individual indulgence.

I actually love the idea of submitting to our own Inner-Domme. There is an element of self pleasure and self care in it really strikes a chord with me.

“I have fantasies that my Inner-Dom would like to see my nipples or my labia pierced, or some sort of branding/tattoo that marks me as ‘theirs’.” – Posy Churchgate

When I read the above line in Posy’s post my interest grew even further. I think this is an incredibly interest approach to a solo BDSM dynamic and while it isn’t something I’ve ever considered before, I think it is definitely a line of thinking I’d like to ponder more on more personal terms.

Trust, Knowledge & Letting Go

Whether we are being the bottom to someone’s Top, or the submissive to someone’s Dominance, we put ourselves in a vulnerable position, both physically and emotionally. That ability to ‘let go’ and allow them to take control of either a one time scene or of a more in depth dynamic doesn’t just happen overnight. Or it shouldn’t happen overnight, at least not to my mind.

Trust and knowledge are two of the things that I feel are vital to being able to let myself give in to my submissive side, which does show it’s face from time to time, despite my raging FemDom ego being at the forefront the majority of the time these days.

When I first tried kink it was with my ex-husband, and it wasn’t exactly a roaring success, but it wasn’t a total failure either. While I trusted him in many ways, I did not trust him as a BDSM partner. He found that fairly upsetting, but what I could never convey and what he would never understand is that the lack of trust came from his lack of knowledge.

I discovered my interest in kink through 50 Shades of Grey, but I instinctively knew that there had to be more to it than the portrayal offered in one book. I did my own research and sure enough I found out about things like safewords, aftercare and a wide range of alternative approaches. My ex however though just ‘doing kinky things’ was enough, and that our history together and our being man and wife would mean that we could dispose of the pleasantries of safewords and aftercare. You can never be done with those things if you are serious about doing BDSM in a safe and healthy manner.

I don’t expect any of my partner’s to know everything about kink, but I do expect them to have done a certain amount of due diligence surrounding the acts they are keen to undertake and the care that needs to be taken of a play partner, be that casual or long term.

If those things are not in place or being worked on then I just can’t let go enough to engage in BDSM with that person, especially as a submissive, but also in many ways as a Top.

It Doesn’t Have To Be About D/s At All

One of the things that struck me about Posy’s article was that it predominantly focused on D/s, which may well be because that’s what has her feeling curious. It did encourage me to reflect on the fact that all too often it is the go to area of BDSM for curious kinksters. Myself included, so this is far from a criticism.

The truth is though that there are vast expanses of kink to explore without ever having to explore a D/s dynamic, and while many will argue that engaging in a Top/bottom dynamic is the same thing as a D/s dynamic, many more will argue that while harbouring many similarities they are in fact very different approaches to exploring kink.

It is entirely possible to be a kinkster, a fetishist or simply a curious kitty and to explore some of what you fancy without having to indulge in the intricacies of a D/s dynamic. This however is not the same as abandoning the practice of safewords and aftercare. I would hope that anyone who is engaging in kink activities follows one of the keeping it safe acronyms. For example, RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) or PRICK (Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink). Personally I’m a fan of RACK for my own dynamics, but that is personal, it’s not a judgement on the other approaches.

The world of kink is rich and varied and I love it when people show an interest in it like Posy has. It is great to have someone else start the conversation and to have a chance to air a few more of my views, just in case you lovelies haven’t had enough of that yet. I will also mention, that these kinds of questions were what prompted us to start #ProudToBeKinky, so you can listen to myself and Bakji discussing these very topics should you fancy a change from reading.

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8 thoughts on “[Kink] Is BDSM Curious a Valid Kink?”

  1. There’s some wonderful pearls of wisdom here and some good answers to Posy’s post.

    The curiosity never dies, if it did I’d have to give up D/s. If find that after 20 years of exploring being a submissive and D/s dynamics I constantly have to re-evaluate.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks so much Floss for these full and frank answers to my post – I feel validated that you didn’t find my newbie questions foolish! When you say it, its a ‘no brainer’ that many folk practice their kinks alone to discover what they get pleasure from. I agree that OH and I should maybe try a much, while I am happy to research stuff by reading, he is much more a ‘show me, tell me’ kinda guy! I shall cross link with your post then anyone who reads my post & because they are feeling as curious as me can easily hop to your site for some answers! And for goodness sakes yes!! Why haven’t I listened to your podcasts yet?! Thanks lovely xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are so right, kink is such a wonderfully varied thing and one of the things I love about it is there is always something new or different to explore and experience and we are always learning stuff about each other too.

    Mollyx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is a great post for people who are exploring, like Posy, and even for people who are further ‘down the line’ with BDSM to remind us where we are coming from and how to help others with their explorations 🙂

    Rebel xox

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is a perfect response to her post. I had a lot of thoughts after reading it, too, lol. I think so many people come to BDSM with what they think it is (and often think they can’t have any of it as a result). They’re often surprised at how it really works and what they’re capable of with themselves or with a willing partner.

    Liked by 1 person

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