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For last weeks Wicked Wednesday I wrote a piece of erotica, ‘Cool Shower- Part 2‘ that contained humiliation as its main theme and a little while back I wrote (Super Sexy) Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation, and recently it is a kink that I have been thinking about more and more and I would really love to share some of my developing thoughts with you all.
It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog posts on non-monogamy that it has been a work in progress sorting through my feelings on it. One of the feelings I struggled with the most was that ‘bleurgh’ feeling in the pit of my stomach when I tried to visualise Bakji with another lady. I honestly thought this was one of those things I had to just put up with if I wanted to be non-monogamous.
Then we started making new friends, and when it came to imagining sexy new friends in non-monogamous scenarios, I noticed that ‘bleurgh’ feeling wasn’t alone anymore. There was curiosity, excitement, joy. I started to realise our non-monogamy didn’t have to be uncomfortable for me. That inner bleurgh never seems to leave though, but how I identify it has changed.
You know when you’re waiting to go on a rollercoaster, and you feel a bit sick with nerves and excitement? That is my bleurgh! I’ve realised that utilising that feeling for humiliation leads to high levels of arousal. At least in theory. Humiliation as a bottom has not come into effect for me yet. In what was my most embarassing kink confession to date I did start discussing this with Bakji though, and it is something he is happy for us to explore.
There is a part of me that wants Bakji and other play partners (where consent is given) to know my ‘bleurgh’ is there and use it ‘against me’! I never imagined I would get to this place when I started my journey into kink. It is something that has slowly crept up on me, but now the thought is there I can’t shake it and it is becoming an itch I just have to scratch.
Part of why this has become a kink I can embrace though is trust and friendship. I know that if I’m held back from the action, while a sexy lady has her way with Bakji, and reminds me how good he feels and how badly I want him, that once that is over I get to come back into the fold, so to speak.
I can only consider doing this because I know I am wanted and cared for and that if at anytime I decide this isn’t for me, even mid session, then it can all stop. No one will be cross or force me to continue with it, and that is what makes it possible for me to explore a kink that isn’t as straightforward as my others.
Humiliation seems to be a kink that people view in a very binary way. Either you’re into or you’re not and if you’re into it then that means you like it in the only way people seems to perceive it, which is usually at the extreme end. As with many kinks though, humiliation and degradation come with many nuances and there are many avenues to explore before you get to hardcore levels.
For me this is more about complimenting those potentially awkward feelings by using them for sexual arousal, rather than allowing them to fester and turn into something unpleasant. It’s also about being honest, with myself and others, that our kinks and desires aren’t always ‘pleasant’ in terms of what we are used to perceiving as pleasurable. That doesn’t make them less valid though.
When I play with humiliation as a Top it is more akin to erotic embarrassment, I know there are things that make Bakji squirm a little, mostly because they are true, but hearing those truths come from my mouth and used to both arouse him and laugh at him is a very effective method of play. What is even more fun is making him say those things. ‘Forcing’ him to admit to things that he feels embarrassed to verbalise is a beautiful thing.
I am transfixed by him. He is awful to me in these sessions. He does his absolute best to humiliate and degrade me. Having excavated all the darkest and most depraved thoughts I possess from my mind in order to use them against me.
– Excerpt from Cool Shower Part 2
This kink isn’t for everyone, but what kink is. For me humiliation is definitely a gritty and kind of messy kink. It isn’t always pretty, but I don’t really want it to be. I love the fact then when I think about it my heart beats faster and my tummy flips. It feels like a delicious kind of torture to think of Bakji fucking me, hand twisted in my hair, mouth against my ear, while he whispers excruciatingly graphic details of all the things he would like to do to ‘insert sexy lady name here’, but how I’ll do for the time being until he can have her.
I wanted to come a little just writing that last paragraph. I do not know how my brain re-wired itself to get me into this kink, but By Jove am I going to embrace it and use it for all kinds of kinky shenanigans.
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