FemDom Friday: Be Prepared To Find New Kinks

This one is actually great advice for anyone exploring kink, fetish and BDSM, regardless of the initial interest that begins their exploration. Without exception every kinky person I have had in depth conversations with about kink has discussed at least one kink they never knew they had or never believed they would be into.

Fledgling Floss: I would never do piss play

FemDom Floss: OMG I sooo want to try piss play

Fledgling Floss: What happened to I would never … ?

FemDom Floss: *shoves a gag in Fledgling Floss’ mouth*

Bringing it back round to FemDom though, a journey many of us embark on in a fairly low key manner. Often with a little hesitation thrown in too due to many of the thoughts I will be addressing in these articles; Will I get it wrong? What if I’m not Dominant enough? What if I’m not a Sadist? These list goes on.

We decide to take the leap into FemDom though and we start off tentatively, gently exploring what it’s like to be in charge of a scene or to set a daily task for our submissive and for many of us one day there is a shift. Or maybe several shifts over a long stretch of time. Before you know it though you look back and wonder when it was you changed gears and became into so many different kinks.

I can only speak as a woman who enjoys Domination, so this is probably something that occurs for all manner of Dominants, submissives and kinksters. Bear in mind though that I am specifically discussing my FemDom experiences. The reason I point this out is because for me this shift in kink gears was thrust much further due to my interest in FemDom.

Those things I thought I’d never do, I suddenly got them. I could see their potential and the reasons they could be arousing. In learning to exercise my control of our kinky sessions I found myself wanting to take us further in our explorations and this meant exploring new kinks.

The things that can sometimes startle us as fledgling kinksters can soon become something we are curious about once they become more familiar to us. Some of our initial reactions to things come from our social conditioning, we are told as we grow that certain things are ‘wrong’, ‘dirty’ or ‘shameful’. It can take time to reframe them as not only acceptable but as a potential kink. It’s also worth remembering that for some of us wrong, dirty and shameful are the exact words that turn us on.

For me FemDom unlocked a part of my brain that decided to give no shits and embrace my desires no matter what they were. Under the proviso of the usual disclaimer that those desires were not illegal and were undertaking with another consenting adult. Or adults in the plural for some of my kinks.

The reason I chose to focus on this as a complete topic is because I don’t think I am alone in this discovery, and it is a discovery that can be a little alarming depending on what new kinks it is you develop. It can be even harder to admit to your partner/s that you want to try something new, especially if you don’t know their feelings on it.

My tops tips for discussing newly discovered kinks are:

  • Write them down – It can be scary verbalising these things, especially if you’ve been on the receiving end of ‘you’re into what?’ at any point in your life accompanied by that awful grimace of disgust people do. Writing things down give you time to select your wording and gives the other person time to process.
  • Offer them as an option not as a requirement – Our kinks don’t always align even with the best will in the world, so never assume your partner will do them.
  • Create a safe space – You don’t have to be into a kink to accept a kink. Letting your partner know they can discuss any kinks without fear of judgement is a wonderful thing and hopefully will mean they offer the same to you in return.
  • Find a low level entry point – Even the most extreme kinks have a low level starting point (more on this in a future article).
  • Incorporate new kinks into masturbation – This won’t be possible with every kink, but is perfectly possible to explore many kinks alone. Which gives you an understanding of how much you enjoy them and how you might like to explore them with a partner.

If you actively want to find new kinks, which is definitely a lot of fun. My top tips for that would be:

  • Keep an open mind
  • Be a curious kitty
  • Use a Fetish Checklist/Activities sheet
  • Talk to fellow kinksters
  • Head to a play space/dungeon/fetish night
  • Attend workshops/demos where possible
  • Check out kink/fetish/BDSM porn
  • Browse kink equipment online
  • Where possible give things a go

There are a few phrases that pop up in the kink community quite often, two of which are definitely applicable for this topic.

Don’t Yuck My Yum

And

Your Kink Is Not My Kink, But That’s Okay.

One of the reasons I never yuck anyone’s yum is because I am never 100% certain it won’t one day become my kink. As for YKINMK, great. How dull would this community be if we all liked the same stuff?


This is the fourth article in a 12 part series, released every first Friday of the month. The next article ‘Be Prepared For Top Drop’ will be published on April 6th. If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife.

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