[Kink] Is Confidence Affecting Your Kink?

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If you are human, and I’m assuming most of my readers are, there is a chance that at some point in life you’ve had a crisis of confidence. More times than I can count I have heard someone use low confidence levels as to why they are too nervous to try a new kink with a partner. This is especially so when is comes to taking control and being the Dominant partner, though that is not to say that is the only scenario that lack of confidence infiltrates.

I have without doubt struggled with this issue myself, aided wonderfully by other people being less than encouraging about attempts I did make to try new things. When I met Bakji things started to shift, due to his constant support, encouragement and kindness and I decided that new things were definitely something I wanted to do.

As many of you will know I have a huge love of FemDom, it is hard for me to believe now, but at one point trying to Top Bakji was an absolutely no. My reason for telling him I wasn’t into it? Confidence. I was scared of getting it wrong, of looking daft or that he just wouldn’t enjoy it. Some of the things I started to notice really helped boost my confidence and I am hoping that by sharing them with you, my lovely readers, some of you might be brave and try something new.

Your Partner Wants Your Attention

IMG_6839.JPGThis is true of any relationship I’m sure. When is comes to BDSM scenes though it is my thinking that this desire is often amplified. When I started Topping Bakji I noticed how well he responded to being the focus of my attention. Yes the specific actions helped make our scenes more arousing, but at the heart of it, being into him was what was fuelling the fire. I know from being the bottom that I find this statement true for myself. More often than not, it’s isn’t always what Bakji is doing that I love most, it’s that it is him doing it.

Your Partner Loves Your Body

Our image of our own body is rarely the image other people have of it. It is rare to encounter a person who doesn’t have, or hasn’t at some point had an issue with their body in some way, shape or form. What that looks like varied dramatically from person to person. What often doesn’t change though is the fact that the person in question has a body that is adored by their partner. I know it can be hard to put aside our own insecurities, especially when feeling exposed, which kink can do both physically and emotionally. There is a good chance though that your partner isn’t looking at your double chin, small boobs or extra tummy, they’re just loving being intimate with you in that moment.

It Is Okay To Do/Wear What Feels Sexy

Following on from the above point, there is absolutely nothing to lose but everything to gain by doing or wearing what makes you feel sexy. Even if it isn’t on your partners list of things they love to see you in, I am convinced that if we feel sexier we act sexier. So if their preference is for Latex, but you rock up in a lingerie ensemble that gets you going, then I don’t think they’ll be complaining. Sometimes the confidence boost we need isn’t an obvious one, for some of us it might be killer heels or wicked eyeliner, for others it might be jeans and a t-shirt. I am a big believer in what makes you feel good is well worth bringing into a scene, because that confidence will shine out of you and make you even more irresistible than you already are.

Your Sexy Doesn’t Have To Be My Sexy

Lingerie is a big business, as is Latex for us kinky folk. If nothing that is traditionally orIMG_6836.JPG commercially pegged as ‘sexy’ floats your boat then that doesn’t mean you can’t rock a sexy outfit. I have on more than one occasion turned Bakji’s head with my £4 Primark leggings! My gym wear also has the desired effect. I think if we dig a little deeper in to what makes our partners sexy minds tick, there is a lot of room for imagination when it comes to creating a look you will both find appealing. This applies to the words we use, the kinks we play with and anything else we choose to incorporate into our sexy lives. If something gets you and/or your partner off and you’re both happy to engage in it said activity then I don’t think it matters if anyone else would find it sexy.

Sensory Deprivation as a Tool

If you main concern is looking silly if you get things wrong when taking charge of a sexy session, then sensory deprivation is your friend. I found a blindfold invaluable when I started Topping Bakji, if he couldn’t see me then he had no idea what I was doing. Even if I was stood dithering about what to do next, he just felt the anticipation of not knowing what was coming. Depending on what your partner is into, and how far you are willing to take this, we have also used sound reducing headphones, gags and restraint all to the effect of helping me feel more at ease with being in control.

Talk About Your Kinks

One of the other reasons I decided I want to give FemDom a try was Bakji’s enthusiasm over what it entailed for him. Knowing how exciting it could be if we enjoyed it together was a really great reason to try it. In talking through what he really loved, I learnt what things would be almost fail safe ways to get him aroused and feeling subby. If we hadn’t taken that time to get to know each others kinks and sexual turn ons, I’m certain it would have taken me a lot longer to gain the confidence I now have when Topping him.

Are there other things stopping you from giving something a try? Or have you got other ways you found your confidence in kink? Either way I would love to hear from you. You can get in touch through any of my social media links or you can leave a comment below.

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12 thoughts on “[Kink] Is Confidence Affecting Your Kink?

  1. Hi nice post here. I think we all struggle with this to some degree. Personally for me its about the dynamic of a partner, and also the dynamic within myself, particularly when it comes to extending on my kink-loves outside the bedroom (where my personal preferences are socially acceptable and cross over somewhere between personal kink and practical comfort). I don’t get too crazy, and without getting into too much detail it means that I want to be me and wear what I like in the appropriate settings – and that can often push my own boundaries and comfort level and that of others. You want to avoid a regrettable embarrassment, but to exercise your personal choices and come away feeling energised and sexy is a major motivator!

    1. Thank so much for taking the time to read and comment. Yep it can definitely be a fine line to tread when in social settings. I’ve seen people get it so wonderfully right though and it is always lovely to see them feel so much more confident within their ‘kink’ skin than they perhaps would do in something that wasn’t quite as ‘them’. Floss 🙂

  2. Really loved this article! I think there’s so much in here that all of us can learn from, kinky or not 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for stopping by to give it a read. I do hope that any non-kink inclined folk that stop by do find that can take something away from it too. I just want everyone to be having all the sexy fun, no matter how that looks for them =D

  3. Good post!! Fear is a powerful inhibitor. Unfortunately some partners can feed into that fear through their reactions. My first wife seemed disgusted when I finally broached the fantasy I had of being dominated. One reaction like that makes it difficult to open up again—even with different partners.

    1. Yes! This is something we have discussed a lot on the podcast. It’s one of the reasons Bakji and I aim to create a safe space for each other in terms of sharing our kinky interests, even it happened to be one we didn’t favour ourselves. It’s why we are so keen to encourage meeting like minded people, the right partner really can make a world of difference 🙂

  4. Fear is truly a debilitating emotion! I have borderline confidence I explored the Kink in the past, for some I’m not ready to start all over with someone new. I have the urges and greenlight from my patten to do so. But I have not. My partner does not want to participate in my fantasies, however he gets excited when I participate with others. I guess I will figure it out!

    1. Taking the time and being kind to myself while I figured these things out definitely helped. When I tried to rush things or force things that was when my confidence took the biggest knock. I hope you enjoy embracing your kinks and fantasies when the time feels right for you to explore them again. Floss x

  5. It is definitely no easy task to combat a lifetime of feelings, so I wish you all the best of luck in finding your way to working through them. Kink seems to work wonders for helping people build their body confidence, it’s getting to the point where you ready to try that is the tricky part it seems. Best of luck, and I hope you find yourself exploring your kinky side soon. Floss x

    1. I really hope it does work for me. I have a strong desire to submit and I have a feeling that will over ride my feelings of wanting to cover up. Eeeek. Time will tell. Thank you.

      1. Submission can definitely be a powerful motivator, I have seen it transform people in many wonderful ways. I hope this holds true for you x

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