Image originally posted as I’m Such a Bloody Tease.
N.B: This blog post was inspired by an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
How do I feel about pain? Awesome! Love it! Good talk.
What’s the next question? Just teasing, I’m not going to leave you hanging like that. I will, of course, waffle on about this subject for an entire blog post.
Unlike submission, which I don’t feel overly attached to or inclined towards, I do very much have a masochistic side that I am very fond of. My masochist is not submissive though. Pain play for me can be done independently of all my other kinks, and I can and do enjoy it in and of itself. I don’t need to build up to it, I don’t need it come with sex, I don’t need to be restrained for it. I just like it, I like the hurt all by itself.
I do have my limits though, I’m not for one minute claiming I the most hardcore of all masochists and that I desire all the pain to rain down on me all the time, because not so much. I enjoy the kind of pain I enjoy, and I enjoy it within the levels I can take. Some days I can take more than others, during my period I can barely take any.
While I do enjoy this side of myself, it is probably the part of me that needs the most monitoring. I can easily get carried away and over excited, allowing myself to go further than might be wise. For this reason I’m quite pleased that Bakji isn’t as Sadistic as he is sensual. While he has been known to get his Sadist on, it isn’t a main kink for him. I’ve been able to take time over the last couple of years to reflect and learn how best to let my masochist play.
As with most things where there are multiple options, I also like dishing out the pain too. Similarly to my masochist this can be completely independent of my other kinks. Unlike my masochist I do not get carried away with this side of myself. If anything I keep it on a very tight leash, and have had to gradually allow myself to explore it more.
Many, if not all of my kinks, including this one have developed within the last four years. I will write about why I think my kinky side developed one day, but not just yet. When I first discovered I had a masochistic side, I did not use it for good reasons. I was feeling very negative about myself, and this seemed liked a useful way to punish myself. This is absolutely not the way I play now, at all. These days I won’t engage in pain play unless I’m feeling in a good headspace. That is both giving and receiving.
I have got a long way to go with this side of myself, I think it’s something where I’ve scratched the surface but the true depths of it have yet to be fully explored. Which is exciting, but I’m in no rush to make it happen. I also have no desire to make this my main kink. It’s definitely nice to throw it into the mix once in awhile though.
It’s interesting that I’m writing this inspired by the 30 days of D/s emails, because for me they’re not linked at all. There are some thing I do enjoy doing only through the prism of D/s, for example humiliation. Pain play however is more of a sensory exploration, especially in terms of masochism. I simply enjoy the way it feels, my body and my brain join forces and translate the ouch into something awesome. As for the kick I get out of Sadism, well, it just arouses the fuck out of me, and I find that hard to argue with.
I think these can be two of the kinks people can struggle to come to terms with the most, even though they are really quite popular. I think the idea of wanting to be hurt or wanting to hurt someone can leave people feeling uneasy about themselves. It’s the reason I don’t go to great lengths to analyse my kinks. They are what they are and so long as I engage in them with consenting adults who will enjoy the experience then that is all that matters to me.
If you enjoyed this post please visit my 30 Days of D/s Archives. You might also enjoy hearing me discuss pain and sensation in episode 49 of ProudToBeKinky.