When I first started this blog it was because I felt like I was on the precipice of exploring polyamory, and I thought that having a place to chronicle that journey would be useful, not only to myself but maybe to others who were also trying to navigate those waters themselves. Less as a resource and more as a way to connect with people in similar situations.
As it happens this blog has become far more about my musings surrounding kink and the kink community. Which is brilliant because they are things I’m definitely passionate about, and that it what I have spent the majority of the last two years exploring. It has also been wonderful to connect with people who are also interested in kink in both similar and different ways to myself.
That said non-monogamy and/or polyamory had always been in the future of mine and Bakji’s partnership. I didn’t always know how I felt about that, I have always been involved in monogamous relationships, and I wrote about how I sometimes feel trapped between the desire to be polyamorous and having what I felt to be an overridingly mono mind. I did at times feel like my struggles would be what eventually ended the romantic/sexy side of our relationship. I think I massively underestimated Bakji though and the connection and friendship we have built. Because over 2 years later, and over 18 months since either of us properly played with anyone else, we are still going strong.
I feel like it is a testament to communication and research that I have come a long way since I wrote my last piece on this subject. Maybe not in terms of actual encounters with other people, but definitely in terms of how I feel about non-monogamy and how keen I am to explore this side of things.
It’s really easy when you write a blog to censor what you want to share, which is totally valid, blogging doesn’t mean we automatically have to share everything we have going on. I do however want this blog to be a place where people don’t just get to read polished accounts of everything being perfect. Sometimes the relationships we engage in are a lot of work, and we have to consciously make them grow and not let them slip away from us through lack of care.
Working on my understanding and my approach to non-monogamy is part of what I am doing to make my relationship with Bakji even better. I say even better because it is to me wonderful as it is. I think the right people though could have so much to offer us, as both a couple and as individuals and I really want us to explore that.
This coming weekend, we are potentially going to be exploring sexually with other people. I say potentially, because we are definitely going somewhere that will allow for this, but I don’t want to assume will be in high demand. The difference between now, and previous feelings is that I actually hope we are in high demand. Or at least I hope we do find new people to play with.
Far from feeling terrified that this will doom our relationship and Bakji will decide he’s found someone better, I actually feel excited that we are going on an awesome new adventure together. I’m not saying I’m so enlightened that I won’t face moments of discomfort or uncertainty. Overall though I think we will come out of this experience better off. The biggest shift in my mindset on this matter is that I want Bakji to find sexy ladies who are going to make him feel awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I am a sexy lady and I do indeed make him feel awesome. He is a truly amazing person though and I want him to have more sexy and more awesome and I am only one lady, I only have so much sexy to give. I am now happy to outsource to other people to obtain more sexy and more awesome. I am of course not entirely selfless in this thinking, I am also thinking I might get some sexy ladies for myself too. Have I ever mentioned that I really like boobs, and I haven’t had any boob action for a while.
One of the things that have made me nervous in the past is feeling unable to discuss boundaries. As if boundaries are somehow restrictive to our explorations. I’ve realise though that actually the boundaries that I’m inclined to ask for aren’t actually awful and are actually fairly reasonable and beneficial to us both. I am no longer afraid to ask for what I might need to make sure I am comfortable with any given situation we might encounter. This is huge for me. Similarly I’m not afraid to hear that Bakji might have different boundaries. I feel sure that we will both do everything we can to support the other person so that they feel as well equipped as possible to handle new situations.
The other things that were preventing me from feeling certain that non-monogamy for me was my own fears and insecurities. Which isn’t exactly an uncommon theme of non-monogamy. I’ve really thought long and hard about those worries though, and seriously considered their likelihood and what would happen should my worst case scenarios occur. What would happen is that I would brush myself off and keep on going, so worrying about something I know I can handle seems ridiculous. That doesn’t mean my worst case scenarios would be pleasant to go through, but I know for sure I’ve been through worse.
I’ve also been listening to ‘More Than Two’ written by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, which I’ve previously dipped into on my Kindle, but have found the audiobook even more beneficial. This is one of the most highly recommended resources on polyamory, and that is for good reason. It frames so much of what we might come up against in such a way that it actually helps you reorganise your mind a little and approach things with a better perspective.
Mine and Bakji’s relationship looks nothing like what I ever knew a relationship could look like. Sometimes that is the basis for my worries. The I realise it doesn’t look the way other relationships do or the way I was taught relationships should look because we are building it for us and for no one else. It really helps to remember this when worrying about how things might evolve with the addition of new play partners or romantic partners.
I feel confident that we have built an awesome friendship as the foundation for our kinky and sexy fun. Even if we one day evolve away from each other in an intimate way, I firmly believe that our friendship can withstand that. Yes it may take time and some tears might be shed, but knowing that our friendship with or without sexy time matters that much to me, really helps me panic less about the prospect of non-monogamy.
I will as much as other people’s privacy allows update my blog with how I’m feeling on this subject once our hopefully sexy weekend has passed. If anyone has any links to other blogs or resources that talk openly and positively about non-monogamy then I’d love to hear about them. I do have a few that I’m aware of, but I’m always open to learning more perspectives.