N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
Have I ever heard of subfrenzy? Oh yeah! Unfortunately I heard about it far too late. I heard about once I’d been there, done that and wondered what the fuck had caused me to behave so recklessly.
I am not 100% comfortable sharing the full story of how I came to discover I was kinky and then how I started exploring my kinks. The reasons being that the ‘discovery’ involves a failed pregnancy that was extremely traumatic and life altering in it’s nature, and the ‘exploration’ involves very dubious, reckless and to my mind shameful decisions with the wrong people.
However there are some elements I am able to discuss, and I think subfrenzy was partly responsible for my actions. After leaving my marriage, my first two kinky partners were not the right partners for me. I was in a bad head space during both these interactions, and all I could see was a chance to be kinky. I took that chance, regardless of what it took to achieve that.
What it took was taking huge chances with my personal safety, massive dents to my view of my personal worth and huge deviations in who I was as a person. I was lucky that I didn’t end up in dangerous situations. They were certainly not ideal situations, but given the fact that at time no one knew where I was, who I was with or what I was doing, things could have ended much differently.
This is one of the reasons I champion munches,events and finding a solid group of friends. In part because you will hopefully meet people who have some social proof to decency as both a person and a kinkster, and also because it gives you people to confide in. In my third instance of subfrenzy, which actually doesn’t go in the disastrous pile, just the over eager pile, I had those much-needed friends to turn to. The difference it made was immeasurable.
For me subfrenzy is truly awful. It might sound dramatic, and I’m okay with that. If even one person reads this and thinks ‘fuck, I think I have this’ then I am okay with everyone else thinking I’m a drama Queen.
When I was in the midst of subfrenzy I did the following things:
- Played with someone I had only spoken to online and on the phone, whom I had never met in a neutral place, and who, I had never even seen a photo of.
- Met up with people without telling a single living soul where I would be, not even a vague location. At times I said I was in one place when I was in fact in another.
- Played with inexperienced Sadists, as an inexperienced masochist. Which left me with marks I was unable to handle when deep in subdrop (more on this in another post)
- Let people declare my kinks were due to people’s mistreatment of me, they weren’t, but that was a nice story for people who wanted to ‘save me’.
- Got involved with narcissist, which was much easier to do with my eagerness to play blinding me to glaring personality faults.
- Lied more than I’ve ever lied before because I’d got involved with people who would be angry by the truth.
- I didn’t advocate for myself.
- I didn’t learn my own limits.
- I didn’t value my own safety.
- I didn’t value myself, at all, for a very long time. Subfrenzy made this a very dangerous view to hold, because it made me even more reckless.
A lot of why looking back on my subfrenzy stage is hard for me is due to me being a Mother. To clarify my child was always, always safe and never, ever in the vicinity of any BDSM activities. However, to be reckless with your own safety as a Mother is to me a pretty awful thing. This is one of the regrets I am still working on getting over, but I must admit it is a hard one to shake.
Subfrenzy made my brain falter in a really unpleasant way. I have in the past had both depression and anxiety, both separately and together. While I was to my knowledge not suffering from either at my time of starting to explore kink, I think the fact that my mental health can sometimes be a hurdle for me possibly made me more susceptible to effects of subfrenzy.
Reaching people and educating them on this subject before they experience it, is I think a really tricky thing to do. Unfortunately there are people within the kink community who will prey and actively seek out newbies to play with, because they have less understanding of certain things and are therefore more pliable and easier to bend to one’s own will. Denying this people exist would be extremely negligent, there are however awesome people in this community who will recognise subfrenzy and possibly be able to support and guide someone through it safely.
You can’t meet those awesome people if you don’t join the community though. So please, please, please, whoever you are, but especially if you are a female identifying submissive, sorry to say it but I do think we need to be more careful, for a variety of reasons, do not play with the first person who offers. Get to your local munch, meet friends, and try to resist that nagging urge to play immediately.
I’d love to see more new submissives befriended by more experienced submissives, or switches who’ve been down the submissive rabbit hole. In a manner that leads to shared knowledge of these kinds of things. Yes, Dominants and Tops can educate on these things, but I think hearing it from someone who has been there makes it a lot easier to identify with.
Some of the things that are regularly recommended across a variety of resources to help deal with subfrenzy are:
- Research – yep read the books, check out websites, listen to podcasts, really get to grips with what it is YOU want as a submissive. That shit matters. Learn how to effectively negotiate and advocate for yourself. And NEVER, EVER be afraid to do so. A Dominant who does not respect your ability to do this is not a Dominant worth having
- Keep Good Company – As I’ve already mentioned, find good friends and get do things with them. Whether those things are kink related or non-kink adventures. Keep busy and active. Places Like Loving BDSM that offer an online community are also wonderful for this. I do not want to discredit the benefit that online friendships can offer. They too can be invaluable.
- Play with Friends – Provided you have found a good network of kinky friends, then playing with them can absolutely be a valid way to avoid subfrenzy. I would much rather help a friend out with some rope play and a spanking, knowing I would play safely and look after them post play, rather than have them off out alone in the wilderness of subfrenzy. Kinky friendships I have found are by their very nature a little more intimate than the friendships we get used to in non-kink life. So the type of support we can offer each other sometimes does come in the form of play and intimacy.
- Safe-calls – OMG! YES! Please, please, please let’s make these more of a thing. Even if you are going to play with someone who is trusted. Let someone know where you are going, who you will be with and agree to check in with them. If you are playing with someone who seems concerned by the arrangement of a safe call being in place, then my advice would be to not play with them. No one should be wary of or alarmed by your desire to protect yourself.
- Exercise – This is one of my favourites, and a personal method I use to keep myself from in a good frame of mind. It can take some time to find something you enjoy, but I think it is well worth finding a physical release. I love to hit the treadmill, and am going to branch out into outdoor running once little dude is back at school.
- Writing – No surprises that I’m a fan of this too. Whether it’s a private diary, or an online blogging. Writing can be an extremely valuable tool in working through what you are feeling. It is one of the reasons I started my blog. While it has deviated from initial idea, it’s a great way to work through my thoughts and share that with others.
- Look After Yourself – Whatever you need to do to issue some self-care, do it. For me it’s eating well, indulging in Harry Potter, hot showers, herbal teas and a nice blanket. Your self care will look different and that’s okay. I like to think of it as a date with myself.
My door, well my internet door at least, is always open. If anyone stumbles across this and is struggling with subfrenzy, or anything else for that matter, please feel free to use the contact form to get in touch. Whether you’re a regular reader or you’ve only read this one post. I am happy to answer questions, have discussions or just offer friendly words of support.