N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
This is an interesting one for me, the internal dialogue I have on this subject is as follows:
Me: Sex isn’t required for D/s or kink.
Other Me: Except that it totally is.
Me: For you maybe, but not for ME.
Other Me: Yeah, but I’m you, so samesies.
Me: You’re insufferable!
I think you get my drift. In reality I 100% accept that sex is not a requirement for D/s. I understand and have experienced enough facets of D/s that I can see how people have awesome and satisfying D/s dynamics without a sexual dynamic too. I feel inclined to say but that isn’t for me, until I break it down into kinks and realise that non-sexual encounters are absolutely a thing for me.
Let’s start with rope. As a rope bottom I am not open to sexual encounters within rope. Unless it is with Bakji, who basically has sexual consent in every kink scenario going. I am however open to the opportunities of engaging in rope with other Rope Tops. I enjoy experience how other people tie, and it has always been an interesting experience for me. The rope bottom in me is not a sexual bottom though. I like the physical challenge, I like the rope hurts, those things do not turn me on though. They might be erotic, but they are not inherently arousing.
Then we have me as a Rope Top. I can of course tie someone without sexual interest in them, and I have, I wouldn’t however make a habit of it. I predominantly like to tie people who arouse me. If I’m using my rope skills to flirt with or to entice someone then there is every chance I want to lick their boobs or give them a handjob, with their consent of course.
Similarly as a masochist. I would happily consent to a friend I trusted to do impact and/or pain play with me, but there is very little chance that means I will be willing to consent to anything sexual with them. Pain is sexy in it’s own way, and when combined with sex it really does turn me on. The pain on it’s own though is very satisfying, I don’t need or want the sexual aspects to accompany it. As a Sadist I could quite happily find merriment in just issuing out the pin to someone who asked for it. However the acts of Sadism turn me on a lot, so I’d much rather engage in those things with a sexual partner.
Another interesting element to this for me, is that while mine and Bakji’s dynamic does involve something sexual for most scenes, unless we are at an event where it isn’t appropriate, those sexual things rarely involve penetrative sex, and often do not involve sexual things happen to me. While I enjoy sexual acts as part of my kink, I’m quite happy to administer the sexual acts, receiving them is not a requirement at all.
I can actually go a fairly long time without needing the sexual attention to be turned in my direction. The high I get from Topping and from making Bakji come is really very satisfying, I don’t crave sexual contact for myself, and I feel like I need to orgasm every time we play to make it feel good or for it to count as play.
I often see people who have little or no sex drive, thinking that they won’t be able to find play partners in the kink community because sex either isn’t high on their agenda or not on it at all. Lots of people in the kink scene are happy to focus on other elements of D/s without needing to involve sex. Despite saying I do enjoy sexual contact as part of my play, if someone I had made a connection with wanted to explore more D/s with me but didn’t want to include sexual play at all, then I’d definitely be open to that.
Sex in all it’s forms can be a lot of fun, it isn’t the be all and end all of kinky fun though. There is so much to be explored depending on your preferences. Power exchange in itself can be exceedingly exhilarating, that is what fuels me in my FemDom interactions with Bakji. There is also something to be said for offering someone an experience, whether that experience is in your ropes, an impact scene or any other kind of scene you both desire.
I’m not ashamed to say that I enjoy mixing sexual activities into my kink, I am a sexual person, I like using sexual exploration to connect with a partner, it’s fun, it’s intimate and it gives me awesome feelings. However I’m also not embarrassed about the fact I’m a walking contradiction by also thinking that there is far more to a kink dynamic that getting involved with someone’s genitals.