N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
This one I know all about. Obviously you all know I have a blog, and a podcast. Both of which are time-consuming. I also have a 5 year old son and a non-kink evening job to help pay the bills. I also have a Dad I like to see regularly, friends I like to connect with when I can and family members of the little one I take him to see. I also have a Bakji and together we like to get to as many Fetish events as we can, and rope jams, and the odd munch here and there. So as you can imagine life gets in the way of my kink, all the goddamn time!
I wrote ‘Quickies, Not Just For Sex’ a while back, which was in part prompted by a kink drought of about 3 weeks. Where we just couldn’t seem to find time to schedule in any play. After that stint we both resolved that it couldn’t happen again. For us that stretch of time involved no kink and no sex. Both of which are fairly important in terms of creating intimacy. Of course there were kisses and cuddles, but they only go so far. I do love them though don’t get me wrong.
Last week we spent more time together than any other week since we’ve been together, but it was filled with podcast research, podcast recording and very much felt more like business than pleasure. While we did fit in some kink towards the end of the week, I must admit it didn’t quite feel like it was enough to address the balance. So this weekend I really felt like it was important for us to spend some time together without too much podcast action, and with a definite presence of kinky and sexy fun.
I had a scene planned in my mind, and I was all set to go full on FemDom and really put Bakji through his paces. When the time came though, the vibe wasn’t right. I had a feeling a more sensual and playful session might be more fruitful, so I opted out of my planned scene and changed pace a little. Sometimes real life getting in the way means you can lose your rhythm a little bit, and connecting and feeling close felt more important than getting to do my scene as planned.
I think D/s can be a bit of a double-edged sword when it comes to keeping things going while real life continues in flurries around us. On one hand you can have small gestures, rituals, protocols that can keep the kink alive each day. However I think if these are occurring daily without the intimacy of a scene/play session/sexual play happening alongside this somewhat regularly it can make things start to feel like habit rather than something you do for pleasure.
No matter how busy life gets, and trust me I know it can get hella busy, I think sometimes you have to be a little bit ruthless and just say enough is enough we need some goddamn kink. We had the opportunity to go to an event this weekend, and as fun as that would have been I had to be honest and tell Bakji that I really wasn’t feeling it. That what I actually needed was something a bit more intimate than an event with hundreds of other kinksters.
I think it can sometimes be hard to be the person to speak up and say, ‘I actually need x or y kind of time from you’, but doing so it really the only way to make it happen. Also, sometimes our partners might need to hear that. Hearing that someone wants to spend that quality time with you, and values and craves the intimacy you have together can be a wonderful reassurance, especially when things might have gone off the boil a bit.
Bakji and I are very conscious of how we spend our time together, especially now we do so many productive tasks together. Sometimes we only have a small amount of time one day a week, after I finish work at 9pm to do anything kinky together. Often the last thing I feel like doing is getting sexy, and taking charge of a kinky scene. It is always worth it though. Even if we only do a short scene, it is always better than not doing anything at all.
It’s easy to become convinced things need to be elaborate and long-winded, some of our most fun things have been impromptu and short-lived though. One of my favourite memories happened when we were taking the pictures for the FemDom and Fetish Fun artwork, in which my shiny bum made sexy things happen in Bakji’s pants and the only polite thing to do was pull them down and give him a handjob until he jizzed. It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t elaborate, but it was fun, sexy and intimate.
I don’t have all the answers when it comes to navigating real life and still finding time to get kinky. What I do know though is sometimes it only takes one person in the partnership to take the initiative and awesome things can happen. I also know that sexy times can often arise out of sensual and loving acts. Running someone a bath, making them dinner and giving them a nice massage can ease away some of the stresses and strains of real life, and can often make way for more pleasant feelings.
With all that said though, I think there are some days when what we really need is to say ‘I just can’t kink, but I would really love a cuddle’. Part of what I love about the journey Bakji and I have been on since we started exploring our kinks together is that it has helped me learn to communicate on a much better level, I’m far less afraid these days of admitting that sometimes life gets a bit too much and often that means I need a little bit of looking after.
Real life really can interfere with kink dynamics, of all formations, but more often than not I think our kink dynamics can make real life a whole lot easier to deal with.